to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

YANBU. I'm sorry you got the response you did on this thread.
Your husband, your partner, should support you, and if you feel that you're struggling right now, then no, he shouldn't be going away.

He ought to listen to what you're telling him. You need help. He's running away. That is quite rubbish and it must be very hard to forgive him.

nice lisaro have you read the whole thread, he left her when she had pnd and was still in physical pain after birth and now when she is having mh worries he is leaving her again, he said he would change his flights to help but didnt, basically he doesnt seem to care that his wife is really struggling.

i think plenty of us has said in normal circumstances yes most people would just get on with it, a bit of give and take from both sides. but that isnt what is happening here, she is feeling unwell and like she really cant cope and her husband appears not to care and have gone anway.

do people really think thats an ok thing to do, for one partner to say to the other, well i dont care that you have depression, you are ill and struggling i want to go have some fun, so i am going, you deal wiht the house and the kids? bloody good job my own dp wasnt like that, no he knew i was ill and despite the fact he needed to go away for his job, he spoke to his employers, explained the situation and stayed at home. He is going away this summer, twice infact, but he will help out to make sure we have everything in before he goes away, and generally do what he can to make sure its as easy as possible and that is with me not being ill. i am fine and will be fine with him going away for a week but he as a caring partner will still do what he can to make sure that it is as easy as possible for me, because he CARES! which this womans husband clearly doesnt and people are saying that is ok?!?!

If she disgusts you lisaro you need to get out more.

4 days a year isn't much, but he shouldn't go without it being agreed on by both off you.

If you are struggling it's not fair on you. You need to tell him this.

If you think you have PND please go for help .

And yes. I agree, some of these replies are indeed, disgusting.

Coco she has told him. He doesn't care.

I'd fucking hate a spa weekend

As a married, working parent I was responsible for 99% of nursery/childminder pick ups, drop offs, plus cleaning, shopping, cooking, bathing, laundry, bedtime stories, etc, etc. Sometimes my husband was there, sometimes he was away on business and he also went on an annual 3 day jolly with his uni pals that no-one pretended was anything but a jolly. I coped, I had to.

As a single, working parent I am responsible for all of the above, but now I don't have to take his mess, meals, laundry etc into account. I still cope.

Does your DH do so much around the house and with the DC that you really feel his absence? Or is it just that you don't want him to go?

lisaro i hope if you or any of your family ever have any MH issues no one treats them with the utter contempt you have shown here.

You're attitude and lack of empathy is astounding.

Weeeeell, I wouldn't go as far as to say the op disgusts me, but I do wonder why she can't manage for 4 days.
I won't regale you with tales of what I've had to do, and as a disabled single Mum, still do (OK, you got me, slightly playing top trumps ), but really, 4 days?
Is it that hard?

No Lequeen it appears her DH is the centre if the universe. He's the one who gets to do what he wants, she gets to facilitate that, regardless of her feelings.

Jeez there are some unempathetic people around tonight. I think the OP is best off getting this deleted and starting again under another name in Relationships rather than AIBU.

Basically, what LeQueen said!