to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

OP; I can understand if his jooly/conference fell at a time when you had just given birth or were ill etc but really 4 days a year is nothing and I feel that you are obviously insecure about his motives.
Do you have any treasons not to trust him? It would be extreme to divorce someone because of this. I also strongly suggets that you take a weekend off every year to have a spa or weekend to yourself etc. Leave him with the kids.

thanks for letting me know.

If he's like this over the conference I'd be very surprised if he was lovely and supportive the rest of the time.

Lovely and supportive husbands/partners just don't do this sort of thing without making sure their other half is ok.

I actually split with my XP because he did this sort of thing. It was symptomatic of his lack of caring and support generally.

But also having read more of the thread if you are depressed he shouldn't go. Hope you sort it out op.

I must say I have to take issue with this your partner should be sympathetic and caring 100% of the time. This makes me as a woman feel very guilty as I am not sympathetic and caring to DH 100% of the time. Hope that does not make me a thoroughly bad person and hopeless wife.

But anyway in this case, I think a lot does depend on what goes on the rest of the year and is the OP's partner sympathetic and caring most of the time or is he not hardly any of the time. Tht's the point.

toptramp - this year the conference fell just after she started a new job. She's also ill with PND.

So I guess you do see why she is upset that he fucked off without making even a cursory attempt to make sure she was OK?

I would be really pissed off, but I know I am quite demanding as a wife!!! Will he be contrite when he gets back and make an effort? Glass of wine and early night?

Which times of year do you absolve yourself of giving even the tiniest of shites about your husband, Mary?

Dittany, you're probably right. Sadly.

The point is no matter how much people say that the OP should cope she is not coping .
Fuck spa bloody days and fucking centerparcs she needs understanding and some help.
OP please go to your GP and get signed off/treatment and tell your DH that you are not coping. ( and kick his arse )

I was under the impression that relationships were about being able to rely on eachother in times of need. Someone suffering pnd and struggling with a new baby and in physical pain is in need. The op's DH leaving her at that time to do something so unnessecary is unforgivable in my opinion.
I don't like that he just expects her to do all childcare when he is away too, being a parent means making some sacrifices and he's not even consulting he's just assuming. Would it be the same the other way round, I think unlikely.

Mostly Christmas. I never cope. Am always behind with everything even now I am not working. (But I have worked for years and years and years. Always moan for ages about going to stay with his family. But he likes going. OK. So I am very far from perfect. And I moan quite a lot too.

This thread reminds me of one I posted when I was in severe pain due to endometriosis, DH was away for a walking weekend. I was in agony and wondered if I should ask him to come home.

I couldn't believe some of the responses I received, apparently I was selfish and lazy for wanting my DH to come home and help look after his own child and I should just man up and put up with it until he got back, oh and it was my own fault for not having a vast support system ready to look after my ( at the time quite clingy) child at the weekend. I should add that some other posters were wonderfully supportive but at the time it shocked and upset me greatly.

Of course on the face of it the OP is being unreasonable. Certainly being a parent doesn't preclude one from having some time away and 4 days is not a huge amount. However the OP is struggling emotionally and even if the DH does not empathise with this, then in this financial climate creating a situation where the OP is forced to take time out from her new job seems a bit unnecessary.

OP I hope you are ok.

I hope you are ok OP.

Being "far from perfect" does not equal withdrawing your love and care from your spouse so you can indulge yourself at their expense once a year.

I can be a selfish dick at times, but I never treat my DH with such an utter lack of love and care as to knowingly leave him struggling so I could have fun.

Doing that by appointment once a year (at least) is seriously unpleasant.

rookiemater, I remember that thread and posted on it. I have never forgotten how unsympathetic people were, and how uninformed they were about the level of pain you were in.

Same old same old shite about mental health issues this is why after having depression on and off for the past 17 years I very rarely tell anyone other than close friends that I have suffered with this...

When you have PND you can cope with nothing and I mean nothing and when you try to tell others how you feel they don't always understand your desperation of how you feeling. And tbh I don't think anybody really understands unless they have suffered themselves...

I can't understand how some people can be so unfeeling....YES we could all cope with 4 days of looking after our kids if we had to but when your ill you can't!!!

There always seems to be some posters who love to jump on others who aren't as strong as them. Makes me so bloody angry. What do you get out of it??

Have a tiny bit of empathy fgs.

Op I hope you are ok. If you had posted initially in relationships, you would not have had these unsympathetic responses.

You're H is a selfish twit to leave you feeling like this. I hope you get some support in rl.

Twiggy

"And tbh I don't think anybody really understands unless they have suffered themselves..."

Probably not.

But you have to be seriously lacking in imagination not to be able to conceive of a human being feeling unable to cope because of mental health issues.