to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

'coping' for 4 days? Divorcing him if he goes again? I think you'll find 365 days a year alone, coping would be a damned site harder.

Personally, I found it easier.

OP is he always like this? Does he take part in family life at all or does he expect you to do all the childcare while he just does what suits him?

I'm not sure how going to a conference, which on the one hand you say is nothing to do with his job, yet on the other hand say is related to his profession, is acting "like a singleton" .

Maybe if this was just a hobby thing, you may have a point, but really YABU. If you can't cope with your life children for four days, then you need to grow a pair.

YABU. But I sympathise. He obviously enjoys it and it's only 4 days once a year. It does seem hard if you have a job and have to make all the compromises like leaving early and starting late. Would some temporary help with childcare and dropping off be an option for another time. But I don't think I'd stop him from going.

This thread isn't about you though is it Chaotic?

Quite clearly the op finds it HARDER when her dh is not there! Or is she somehow failing to convey this to you?

This was obviously the wrong place for me to post. I am feeling very very down, very depressed. I think I may have PND again. Finding it hard to cope with work and children while feeling so down. DH knows how fragile I feel, and it is the fact he knows this and still left me to go on an unnecessary trip that is tipping me over the edge.

Leaving this thread now. I've been made to feel that I am weak and pathetic because I am struggling to cope with a new stressful job, children and numerous problems with the house all while feeling unwell. I just thought more people would understand rather than calling me a 'martyr' (thanks for that alpinepony so glad you are a stronge person mentally than me.

Try posting in relationships instead.
If I'm unhappy about a situation, my response is to be proactive and change it rather than wallow.
Do you think you'd manage the job and two children better without him?

So am I right in thinking that he doesn't really care whether you're able to cope or not?

It's obviously a big deal for you - and I sympathise, however, YABU..if I got divorced (not that I'm actually married yet) every time my DP swanned of for a few days we would have been divorced many times! I too have to juggle between 1/3 kids (depending if SC are here) dog, other pets, domestics and working 4 days a week.
It can be done, single parents do this all the time.
Is there anyone in RL who can come and give you a bit of a hand?

Yes, I think this probably was the wrong place for you to post. How about starting again with a thread about your stress and depression in a more suitable topic? I am sure you will find plenty of support and sympathy.

'Quite clearly the op finds it HARDER when her dh is not there!'

So how would divorcing him make that any easier? It would mean her coping alone for a lot longer than a few days.

marlando ask MNHQ to delete this thread, then start another one in Relationships.

I think your H is being very selfish. He should not be leaving you to cope when you are feeling so down and stressed.

Again I'm about all the FB recommends.

yabu

I'd see the dr about depression if you cannot 'cope' for 4 days alone with two kids.

Obviously it's not about me

The OP has mentioned 4 days a year but in the past threads like this have sometimes gone on to reveal more to the situation than what is in the op. This is why I asked the OP the questions I did about whether it was just the four days she couldn't cope with or was it a more regular occurence.

I thought at one time that I wouldn't cope alone but when I had to I did. I also found in some ways it was easier.

OP if you're worried about PND then please see your GP.

Fallen sorry - just meant that for me that would be pure fun rather than professional interest

morlando - I appreciate that you mentioned PND with relation to your first dc, but at not point until your last post had you mentioned it with regards to dc2.

Perhaps you should look at re-evaluating your work role? If it is stressful and you are finding it hard to cope then with the best will in the world how will you cope if your dh has to go away with work or is ill and can't help out for a couple of days? And if it is stressful for 4 days your are not going to cope being a single mother at all as the couple of week days you have had to deal with aren't going to end, they will be permanent.

I am sorry you are having a tough time but equally you are still going to be coping with a new stressful job and you are still going to be feeling unwell, you must at some level cope with your children on a day to day basis and some aspects of the house too, whether he is here or not.

Also if you are really not well and it is affecting you so much, perhaps your dh needs a break from both you and the children so he comes back refreshed and more able to cope? Its not a particularly nice thought but it is difficult being the one everyone relies on to do those extra things.

It's only 4 days a year, so not that much. but if you are struggling and he does not seem to care then obviously that is a problem. I do think it could be a good idea to see dr about pnd/depression incase they can help because its not normal to be so overwhelmed by 4 days coping by yourself (I don't mean that in a bitchy way btw so hope it dont come across like that..)

Do you get any break by yourself at all? not even going away by yourself if that will be logistically too difficult with leaving young dc behind, but make your dh stay and mind them sometimes so you can get child free time with your friends because if you never have that then it does weare you down, and it sounds like you could really do with a bit of a break.

What time do your dcs go to bed, if you can get them down at a reasonable time then try to make the most of your dh free house to have some evenings to yourself watching things he doesnt like on tv or have a friend round for a take away n night in? my dh goes away a few times a year and it really helps to have people round in the evenings so you dont get lonely night after night at home - it makes the days go past a lot quicker. Would u feel up to that? if not i definitely would get the depression checked out with dr

Hopefully when your dh comes back you can talk to him n get some understanding from him and see what can be done to help you feel better. I dont think banning him from the conference will be the way forward but hope he does show some more sympathy and understanding and that you are feeling better soon

' not even going away by yourself if that will be logistically too difficult with leaving young dc behind'

Her children are 8 and 2, so what would be the problem in leaving them with their father?

If you are worried about PND you need to see your GP.

If you can't cope with commute and DC - why not take 4 days leave to cover it? How would you manage post divorce?

And why not arrange your own long weekend away?

firwala has it

When my dh goes away my dc are in bed 30 mins before they normally with no issue (I lie about the time ), oddly they stay in bed as they aren't missing out on dh time, I often see if dc1 wants to do a sleep over - sometimes she goes to my mums so I then have only 1 to cope with at bed time. (Although not practical for all but perhaps a friend from school might want a sleep over - especially on say a Thurs/Fri night)

Then I get myself some nice wine, food I like, mooch in front of the tv, have an hour long bath, spend hours on the phone chatting to my mates. I often encourage him to stay nights away so I can do this

i would just book 4 days on my own and leave the children with DH.

You can't cope with four days with a 2 yo and an 8 year old? YAButterlyU.

Clearly the OP must have a myriad of other issues going on. If your DH/DP continues to behave in a way that upsets you to this extent, it is definitely time for a serious talk. The only problem with threatening divorce is while it might make him sit up and take notice there is also the chance he may call your bluff. Then you would need to cope in the situation permanently.

My husband has occasionally been away for up to 3 months. Admittedly that does give you the opportunity to get into a routine, but this is while managing the house, about 10 pets, running my own large business and caring for 3 DCs 2 of whom at a certain point became teens and I actually found a lot more time consuming.

I do think its a shame the OP didn't get he support she was hoping for but I'd say that is to do with the drip feeding and her own emotional difficulties.

YABU

At least twice a year my DH goes away in Europe to watch England play footy. Now that really is a jolly that's not work related, and I stay home with our 3 kids. I also do overnighters and short breaks without my DH.

Why not book yourself a break away with friends, child free time can be extremely recharging.

When you are in a marriage, especially with children, you can easily lose your identity as an individual so I think it's really important that both parties take the opportunity to live a little and reconnect with themselves.

Morlando
Several of us asked if your DH is generally unsupportive, and wondered why him going away for 4 days had you so upset.

The reason we asked is that your reaction is OTT, if this is the only thing that he does that bothers you.

I am not calling you a martyr, or saying that you are weak, but if you are struggling to cope and he knows that, then yes, he is BU to leave you alone.

Or at the very least you need to organise some help when he is away.

Do you have someone in RL who you can talk to?

fallen some people are not happy to leave 2 yr olds, so i thought best not presume! i dont know if i would leave mine. 8 year old i see your point