to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

" No one, is going to be 100% caring and supportive of you, 100% of the time. No one."

Bollocks.

My husband is. So is my mother for that matter. My sister too.

You can be caring and supportive and go to conferences.

Or you can go to conferences in a way that makes clear that in fact you care only for yourself and that your family is very much a secondary consideration.

That's what's happening here - an annual display of selfishness and lack of care.

I doubt it's the only one.

Surely it doesn't matter if i would cope, or if anyone else would cope. Everyone is different, the op can't cope - she has told her dh this and he has gone regardless.

That's the issue, it's lovely for everyone that can cope but maybe as were here we can offer some support to the people that can't and need some support.

I'd just like to add a message of support.

What on earth must be going on in someone's head to attack someone who is ill and struggling?

Well said hokey

Please lay off the personal attacks, folks.

I agree AThing it won't be the only selfish thing he does. If the OP felt valued and supported then she wouldn't begrudge him.

I could cope if DH went away for 4 days.

I would not be prepared to cope if he treated ms as the OP has been treated.

Netto

If you want to play the pointless game of who has it tougher top trumps, I'm a single parent who works and does everything 24/7.

However, I can still find it in myself to empathise with the OP. What you or I or the woman down the street can cope with is irrelevant. OP is struggling and needs help.

it's like that 4 yorkshiremen sketch, but for people lacking empathy

I don't see why you are complaining, my dh goes on 45 conferences a year

Well mine goes on 6547, and i had 8 children

Well my 8 children were all under 5

You think that's tough well

ETC ETC ETC

as a mother of 7565 children whose dh is stationed on jupiter for the next 67 years i like to think i speak with some authority here

I think the OP has every right to expect her DH not to go off on a jolly, when she needs him.

OP I cannot believe how unsupportive people are being on this thread. If you are still reading please remember that we are not all heartless superior bitches.

I think work is already a bit off with her having to juggle things to make drop off and school pickups ok, and it is a new job too iirc

It might be more helpful if her friends/family could help support her while he is away

things cannot carry on like this when he comes back

chibi

Plus, why is deemed necesssary that DH gets a break but morlando is just expected to 'cope' and deal with things.

I can also comment with some authority that trying to manage childcare, work and all associated tasks is hard work. That's when you aren't ill. When you are ill it's that much harder.

LeQueen - you can and should expect your partner to be caring 100% of the time.

And from what I know of you, that's what you have, which is why it seems so disingenuous of you to say that the OP can't expect it.

Going to conferences is no big deal.

Fucking off and leaving your spouse to cope without a by-your-leave is a big deal.

He left her with a 4 month old, a FT job and PND.

He's just left her 3 weeks after starting a new job, despite the fact that his being gone has put her in bad standing with her new boss.

That is a shitty way to treat someone.

You don't get to treat your spouse as a piece of crap on your shoe once a year (if it is once a year, which I doubt).

The OP is three weeks into a new job. She IS managing all the childcare, complicated drop offs etc. She is NOT sitting on her hands wailing, she is COPING. She just expressed a need for some support from her husband, and like Dittany I think that her extreme phrasing is because she is desperate for a reaction from him that proves he cares.

In all honesty OP, if DH were to do this I would not be happy.
Not for the same reasons though, I'd be furious that he was using his annual leave for something non-essential (if it was essential to his profession, his employer would be willing to let him go on worktime, surely?) and I'd be annoyed that he just swanned off without making sure we all had plans in place to cope.
That is because we share picking up/dropping off the DC so if either of us has to divert from our weekly plan then we need to make sure that the other can step in.
Hope you're OK.

Wtf is happening on facebook?