to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

But doesn't everyone need time away? Perhaps he is finding it hard to and needs to escape?

OP. A lot of people don't find it easy to cope with a demanding job and children. I didn't . And it's always the way that as soon as your DH was away the cat needed the vet and the window breaking. And it would have been easier if your DH had been there. Not because he's a man but because he would have been an extra person to help. You didn't say in your original post that you were ill. People were just thinking four days on your own wasn't unreasonable.

maybe he is sirzy but i dont think he should be going away when his wife is clearly not coping and as she has said feels on the brink, maybe suffering pnd and trying to settle into a new job.

if he needs a break as well they need to come to some sort of compromise and help each other out, you dont just swan off on your own leaving your partner to struggle when they have said they arent coping and are clearly worried about their mh.

I'm frankly shocked at how harsh and unsympathetic some of these responses have been. Op, I wouldn't necessarily advocate divorce on the strength of what you've written here, but YAnBU to feel upset and resentful under the circumstances.

I think that "needing to escape" and leaving your partner with PND, a 4 month old baby, and a full time job even though she begs you not to go is utterly selfish.

If he needs to escape then he talks about it with the OP and they arrange things between them so that they are satisfactory to all. One person sodding off when the other person has asked them not to and is ill both mentally and physically is just mind-bogglingly horrible.

Well said Coppertop and Cornflowers I am shocked at how unsympathetic and unpleasant some posters have been on this thread.

God forbid anyone might need a bit of support when they are having trouble coping, FFS.

Your DH needs to be more supportive. Unless it life and death, 'he will lose his job' type of essential that he goes then he should curtail his conferences until you are on top of everything. He does come across as rather selfish in your post.

And you must book yourself a break somewhere.

FWIW I've been a lone parent for 3yrs now and on the days I don't have family to help me everything goes to shit. I won't pretend it's easy , it is bloody hard juggling work and kids on my own.

I'm so sorry OP, you say you are in a fragile mental state in your second post and people are still having a go.

If everything was fine, I'd say you were being unreasonable. My husband goes to at least two week-long conferences a year and some shorter ones (for work, admittedly), and I just have to get on with it even if it means taking some time off work myself. It helps that he knows he's not a walk in the park for me to be on my own.

If you are slipping back into PND or just struggling with the demands of a new job it can't be easy. I am a bitshocked he went off on a jolly when your first child was only four months old and you had PND. That seems rather cold to me. Are there any other issues in the relationship?

I'd advise posting in Relationships, not here.

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Relationships now - we think that'd be a better place for it.

Thank you helen.

Will you message the OP to let her know that there are some more understanding people on the thread now? I suspect she has hidden it.

I'd second those who say there are some harsh harsh responses on this thread.

If someone says they're not coping, the best answer is very rarely "well, you should be, because I'd be fine in your shoes" which is basically what at least five people have come out with.

Hope you find a way through this with your DH, OP. If you're still reading, I would sit him down when he comes home and tell him you're feeling pretty overwhelmed and need to discuss with him the best way for him to help you out and really support you for the next few months while you try and get on top of job stresses / PND / whatever your other worries are. If he doesn't take that seriously, that would ring alarm bells for me.

@SardineQueen

Thank you helen.

Will you message the OP to let her know that there are some more understanding people on the thread now? I suspect she has hidden it.

Yes, we certainly will.

I'm not commenting on the rights and wrongs of your H, OP, but my dad went to conference every year - always missed his wedding anniversary. He went with my mum's blessing as she wanted him to have a fullfilling career but it did cause tensions and he did always come back looking like he had been drinking heavily for the entire week.

I also go to conferences and I have no choice as they are always work related but equally, I'd expect to be able to make up my own mind up about going where partner consultation is concerned. Probably not hugely helpful but a female perspective on my own decision making process about such things.

I do actually think your DH is being a bit if a shit about this OP. It is clearly making your life very hard, and impacting your job, to no discernable gain for him.

It is tough to admit you need help, and really properly ask for it, but I suspect that is what you need to do. Is there anyone else in RL who could help? Parents? PILs?

I don't know why anyone is shocked at the responses here. There is a contingent on MN who love telling women with lazy husbands that they are weak and pathetic for needing or expecting not to do everything for thrmselves.

This has been, admittedly, a particularly unedifying display of bullying someone who clearly has problems that go beyond the issue mentioned in the thread title.

Sorry OP, just ignore them. Think how pathetic your life would have to be to feel big because you upset someone who is struggling.

I think 4 days a year of your husband making it clear that he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and puts himself and his fun ahead of you without even asking if that's OK is 4 days too many.

I cope fine when DH goes away, and I'm happy for him to go.

But he would never (and nor would I) think he could fuck off for days and just presume his responsibilities to his children would be covered by me.

If he wants me to take over everything, he asks. And I do likewise.

To leave without asking is enormously disrespectful.

And to put you in a position where you have to piss off your boss in a job you've been in for 3 weeks so he can go to a non-essential conference he funds himself and has to take AL to attend is very irresponsible.

He is risking your job for his jolly. Without discussion.

That is being a dick.

YANBU. Ignore the stepfords and the mumsnet cure all cry of 'spa weekend'. He's being selfish.

Gosh Morelanda, you do sound a bit precious.

My husband died suddenly when my 4 children were 15,13,8 and 5. So he didn't disappear for 4 days............... he just went- so I was left 365 days a year with the children, and everything else.

I think you should get a grip - IT'S ONLY 4 DAYS FFS!!!!!!! If you feel that badly about it, then arrane a 4 day trip for yourself!

Yes, dittany - apparently sitting around in a towelling robe having your back rubbed makes up for being a man's skivvy the rest of the year.

Busy - you think because your husband died nobody else can expect their living husband to be kind and considerate?

Sorry for your loss. That must have been tough.

Has it made you generally unsympathetic towards other people?

Busy have you read the thread, your comment is just what the op doesn't need.

I'm sorry for your lost, but her husband has buggered off to a conference without any concern for the op and her feelings - not the same thing at all.

No doubt you did an OU degrees and set up your own multi million pound business within a year Busybusynet...

The issue obviously goes deeper than four days at a conference.

OP, some of us are on your side and do not think YABU. Keep posting. Some of us on here will do our best to help.

x

Bloody hell, seriously lisaro having read the thread do you think that is justified, calling someone who is struggling with possible PND pathetic...nice

So glad the thread was moved into relationships for some more understanding responses.

AThingInYourLife well said.