to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

I never had a babysitter, but I'd happily leave mine with their father without a second thought once they were weaned and if they were well.

Just because other peoples' partners go away and they manage just fine does not make the OP unreasonable if she is not coping.

Not everyone copes with everything thrown at them in the same way as everyone else. Sounds like the OP has a lot on her plate with a new job and trying to get used to that plus juggling the pick up arrangements on her own.

It also sounds like the OP's partner goes away more than just these 4 days and is planning another jolly. I'm betting Morlando doesn't get a break.

YAbu hugely so. My dh is away most weeks for one/two/three nights.

You knew when you married him that he wet on this conference once a year singes not sprung it on you. It's once a year, you need to get over it.

I also have two kids so more than the lions share, but that's jut how it is.

That's why the general opinion seems to be that she should get a break, and several of them.

Book a 4 day girls break every year so you get a break too?

I don't think it is unreasonable. It doesn't even really seem to be about the conference.

If I ask my partner for support because I'm struggling, and it is in their power to give that support even if it means changing their own plans, I would expect them to be supportive.

He wouldn't even change his flight plans to make work easier for the OP, even though he said he could have done.

If my partner thought I needed too much support and was being unreasonable in my requests - I'd expect him to talk to me about it and maybe even raise the issue of if I need some kind of professional help, especially with a history of depression/PND. I wouldn't expect that he'd do nothing and just get on with what he wanted to do because he 'knew I'd have to somehow cope without him'

I'd say it's about half and half really. Can't believe how little empathy some people have though.

Why not go with him? If it is not work related I assume he is paying for the hotel so no problem adding a few extra people.

That way you aren't alone and get a little break too.

What is stopping you going away?

Probably what's stopping her going away is that she's already on the edge of being able to cope and organising it might just be too much on top of juggling work and childcare and not being supported by her partner?

"am feeling very very down, very depressed. I think I may have PND again. Finding it hard to cope with work and children while feeling so down. DH knows how fragile I feel, and it is the fact he knows this and still left me to go on an unnecessary trip that is tipping me over the edge."

4 days? He is away for 4 days?

You are taking the piss, right?

She's had 8 years to sort out the situation, perhaps a few alternative viewpoints will help her find other options than thinking divorce will be an easy solution.

4 days a year? If it was every other week you would have a point but you really begrudge him 4 days a year to himself?

I think its the fact that this is NOT for his current job and so he had to take holiday from his current employment. IF it was for this job (and so wouldn't have to take precious leave) then I am sure the OP would not be feeling as unsupported as she is.

FFS there are some almighty bitches around. Well done for making the OP feel even more shit than she clearly already does. Well done for clearly being superior human beings for coping with life and never struggling. Jeez can people just try and remember that there is a human being the other side of the computer screen.

15 Facebook recommendations???

OP YABVU but I guess you've 'got that' by now.

Regarding divorcing him, I take it you'd rather he had full time custody of the kids then?

I actually dont think you are being unreasonable. My husband goes away for a few days at a time or even just over night for his job BUT that is his job and he still considers me in his arrangements.

He does also go away twice a year for a few days with his friends - BUT that is by arrangement and only if we can find a suitable weekend.

It's very unfair of him not up consider your feelings at all. You should up sticks and go on a long weekend away with a friend, don't even tell him your going and see how he deals. It looks like he sees the children as your responsibility but they should be equally yours both.

I don't think yabu. I wouldn't be happy about it either.

Perhaps he also needs a break?

If the op is struggling then she should certainly get help and support, not only from her husband but also proffessionally. However I dont think 4 days a year equates him being unsupportive. Everyone needs time away and if that's his much needed escape why shouldn't have go and recharge his batteries?

' Well done for clearly being superior human beings for coping with life and never struggling'

Where on earth did you get that idea from? Yes, we have struggled and despaired and worked towards solving the problems that have arisen.
What would you prefer?
'Oh dear, you are with a nasty man who thinks you are a fusspot. Have a hanky and we can sit and wail with you'
Or being told that you have a right to an identity and time off as well, and that the answer is not to chain down your partner but to liberate yourself, and that discussion should the next step, not divorce.

YABU. 4 days a year, hardly a big deal.

You haven't been made to feel anything, your feelings are your own.

'The OP is struggling and all people are doing is laying into her. If she's having a hard time, why the hell is her partner swanning off? How does that help her? It certainly makes him a bad partner.'

What would your advice be dittany?