to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

Yes, Fallen, but look at what some other posters have said.

Also, if some posters had bothered to read the OP's other posts they'd know that it isn't just 4 days a year for a start.

am feeling very very down, very depressed. I think I may have PND again. Finding it hard to cope with work and children while feeling so down. DH knows how fragile I feel, and it is the fact he knows this and still left me to go on an unnecessary trip that is tipping me over the edge." this comment by the op makes me think yanbu, on the whole yes most people can cope with their partners going away, its 4 yrs once a day (tho it sounds like he goes away other times as well?) which is fine if you are fine, but as you are not, have just started a new job and are feeling fragile then he could have helped you to sort childcare etc before he went away, or if you let him know in enough time, to have cancelled the trip.

my own dp works nights, evenings, wkends and goes away a couple of times a year with his job, but when i was ill with pnd then no he didnt go, he explianed to work who agreed his priorty was his family and my health.

in normal circumstances the op would be BU but this isnt normal, she is unwell.

Agree, Dittany.

4 days a year is hardly excessive. There are many careers where it is important to go to certain conferences, though you would not expect to get a job offer as a direct result.

Do you manage to cope the rest of the time when he is there? From your posts there is a sense that things are maybe always a bit precarious and this has tipped things over the edge for you?

Good grief this is awful.

OP if you are still reading I think YANBU and you need to try and sort this out somehow.

First off - you have had PND and you think this may be returning - was it treated last time, did your doctor know.

Second off - I think your DH sounds very selfish if he was not prepared to cancel it that first year when you were so ill and you had a young baby. He wouldn't change his flights this time so as to do a school run. It seems you have asked and asked and he just won't help. This is pretty serious. Is he like this all the time? Does he ever help?

Thirdly - your new job - is he supportive of this? Arranging childcare and stuff together so that you are not having to do everything? I am guessing not and frankly I'm not surprised you are feeing angry and your depressive symptoms are returning.

Fourthly - I can't believe the response you have had on this thread, some people are just total bastards. I know it's hard to ignore people metaphorically kicking you in the head when you are down but try to just tune in on the more understanding responses.

My problem(s) with this would be:

• Even when the OP asks her dh not to go because she needs help with something, he still buggers off. I'm alright, Jack.

• He is using up his annual leave to attend.

• The OP is also risking pissing off her boss by having to take time out from her own job to cover pick-ups etc. Not a good idea in the current economic client.

And all so that the dh can have a nice little holiday for 4 days by himself.

And that's not even including the extra 5 nights in New York a few months ago.

YANBU.

It's not 4 days a year and nothing else. She already said he's considering going to another (non essential for work) conference next month.

He just seems to expect her to sort the childcare and everything out while he is away, which is fine normally, that's what parents do when left in sole charge of their children. But not when the person you are supposed to be in a loving partnership with is telling you they can't cope.

or, basically everything SardineQueen and coppertop said much better...

OP remember that there is a huge lack of understanding of mental health problems in society in general. And also a huge amount of people think women especially should put up and shut up.

There is a mental health section on MN and also a relationships section both of which have many posters who have a basic sense of humanity are better with this sort of issue.

You are unwell and under a lot of pressure and your DH is being selfish and you need to do something before you sink.

if you know he's going to be away, you can get prepared before he goes, and he can help with this.

on the rare occasion DH works away for more than a week, i make sure i book at least one day of annual leave, so i can catch up on chores or sleep, whichever is needed more. I also get a big shop done, and scale back the cooking a bit, so there's less washing up to do. DH does loads of ironing before he goes, and we blitz the house together, so that i only have to do the minimum while he's away.

YANBU OP if he isn't making any money or getting any extra work/business out of the conference. In that case, it sounds like its more of a short holiday for him. Sensible compromise would be for him to go every second year.

Doubly YANBU for him to assume you'll automatically look after his children while he is away (they are his as well as yours).

YANBU for not being more pro-active and booking yourself a spa weekend away the following weekend, or even in advance of the time of the conference and just swanning off.

um, likewise?
works for us, horses for courses i guess.....

I haven't read the whole thread but from what I've read YANBU. You can cope with what you can cope with and at different times in bringing up your children you might need a bit more support now and again. If you are struggling and tell your DP he should help you come to some sort of solution. When my DP goes away and I need a bit of support (at particular flashpoints like bed times etc ( neither of my two will go to bed independently and one often needs to go off in buggy and be transferred so it's difficult to juggle two at the moment)), we try and see if a family member can come round for a bit in the evenings. Sometimes I use it as an opportunity to invite my mum down for a couple of days. As I haven't read all the posts I'm thinking you might not have any support you can rely on.

Whilst I realise being a single parent 24/7 must be horrendously difficult sometimes if you are a married/partneredwoman who works/ does all the nursery pick ups and drop offs and has to put their children above work/a social every day it can make you resentful when you think your partner doesn't have to do the same.

I was thinking the same thing Flora.
I left my OH for a week, with a 2 year old and a 6 year old one with ASD. He did all the stuff I usually did as well as his half of the household jobs.
Must admit, I almost did the same when he went away but nothing would make me iron.

The OP doesn't want a spa weekend.

What she wants is a husband who is capable of putting someone else's needs before his own whims, and who does his fair share of taking care of his own children.

It doesn't matter if people on this thread would be able to cope. Big whoop for them! The point is that the OP is sinking fast and the one person she should be able to rely on is busy swanning off on a 4-day jolly. It's not even a part of his job.

What works for some won't work for the OP though. You might be lucky enough to have a partner who does their share. It doesn't sound like the OP has that luxury.

So she should leave him and get counselling?
Talk to him and make him see that what he's doing is unacceptable?
Say nothing and continue to spiral downwards towards depression?

Good post copper.

Lucky?
You think that successful relationships are based on luck?