Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

Please, please don't go there OP. Get out of the trap.

Attila - without wishing to sound like I'm in some bad romance novel - here's what I get out of it: he's fun, I feel comfortable when I'm with him, he shares a lot of the same political views as me, he's into the same sports, we have the same sense of humour, he makes me laugh, he's lovely to my dog (my previous ex saw her as a nuisance), he's thoughtful, and he's the first guy in a couple of years that I've really fancied. I've been a bit off men since the previous relationship.

MissFaversham - you're right...and theLightPassenger, yes I think they both did drugs with him. The one in the 5 year relationship with him definitely did.

"Thing is, Attila, he had a 5 year relationship with someone, then a 2 year relationship with someone, then we met".

So what?. His relationship with cocaine goes back far further than that and the cocaine usage has remained consistent throughout.

How do you actually know he is telling the truth here?. Have you met either of these women?. My guess is his ex gfs got fed up with him because they also were being put a dim and distance second to his cocaine usage (which won out in the end). Those women likely too did the vast majority of the donkey work to hold their ultimately failing and failed relationship with him together.

Its not you, its him. He's another user type, albeit of a different and perhaps to you a lesser grade user, but he is a user all the same.

If this is what its like after 3 months then after 12 it will be no better. The first 12 months of a relationship after all are supposed to be the happiest; this sounds like bloody hard work and love should not be such hard work honestly.

If you're ready to settle down then for god sake look elsewhere, let this be a lesson in having a spidey radar. You thought about it enough to question it and have these answers now.

when poverty flies in love flies out. When drugs take over that will be the inevitable. He's a twunt OP, see him for what he is.

I don't only mean monetary poverty OP by the way.

You said that it bothers him that you don't take cocaine, it sounds like to get any mileage out of this relationship he will be wanting you to join in. Sorry- he is so not worth it.

Frig OP, he's hot and cold and two different people as well! Listen to yourself here, he's Jekyl and hide in the making if not already then.

Something I read somewhere from an ex-user of cocaine has always stayed with me: "Coke's like an intelligence test. If you're still taking it after three years, you've failed."

Aside from all the health and ethical considerations (which are HUGE HUGE HUGE), it's boring and tacky. Get shot. I know that's easy for us to say, but you're here because you have doubts. Listen to those.

I'm an ex user who was introduced to cocaine by an ex. It's an evil and destructive drug. If he says he uses "2 or 3 times a month" times that by ten. at least. some people can limit their use to big nights out, a family do is not one those nights. big red flags. I would bet my life he has a sneaky line or two every day to maintain that "charming persona" you fell for. because coke isn't physically addictive, most users convince themselves that they aren't addicted and it's their choice to take it. it make a good night great blah blah. they're only trying to convince themselves that they're not an addict. get out now. please.

Thanks both. I really do appreciate all your thoughts and advice. I read a few other MN threads after searching for 'cocaine' and a lot of the responses were along the lines of 'it's no big deal'. The responses I've had here have been pretty unanimous.

I know it sounds stupid after everything I've posted but I do really like him. A lot. I don't meet guys I like very often at all. Like once every few years. And I think I'm going to have to walk away from this one. Is coke really that great?!

It's the taking cocaine at a family party that's the big BIG alarm signal. That's dependency, not recreational use. You've only been dating him for three months, you shouldn't have invested very much in him yet. TBH, you could carry on just seeing him for the hot sex, for a while, if you felt like it, then bin him when the druggishness gets too tiresome - after all, his drug taking is not your problem and not your responsibility. However, you do sound like someone who wants love and commitment and couplehood - you're not going to get any of those from a cokehead.

Cross posted with teamboleyn and tettoni. Thanks for your posts. Teamboleyn - that's really helpful to hear, thank you.

His sister uses a lot, he says. I think he thinks he doesn't use that much compared to her. But he may still do a lot and is in denial about it.

I think this bloke intrigues you because he is "dangerous" and you want to see how far this can or will go.

As for what you get out of it, there are men around who would act like he does but without the long term baggage of drug use. Why date someone who you know now to be a long term user unless you like or have become somehow addicted yourself to the great highs and crushing lows that come as part and parcel of such a dysfunctional relationship. This is dysfunctional no two ways about it, do you really want to become a bit part in his netherworld?.

OP you sound like me and I've just left an abusive relationship. I liked him a lot too. I was sooo pissed off with meeting jerks that I was weak enough to see this person for what he wasnt if you know what i mean and im sure you do.

SGB - I like him too much to do that, though I wish I could carry on seeing him! I've not felt like a priority for him at times and I have got invested in him already so I think I do need to walk away from him for good. It's going to be bloody hard though.

The 'hot sex' is based on his cocaine so he is not going to give you the meaningful love life you deserve.

Oh its hard OP very very hard especially when these people seem to have so much false charisma. PM me sweetheart if you wish I would be more than happy to keep you strong, it would help me a great deal too

Attila - I actually thought he was really placid and easy going and normal when I met him! He's affable and personable and chatty. My ex had some sort of personality disorder and his social skills weren't great so this guy seemed a real contrast. I liked him because he was into tennis and politics and stuff like him. But he didn't mention his coke habit on his dating profile...I wish he had!

MissFaversham - sorry to hear that you've left an abusive relationship. I had to kick my ex out one morning when we were about to fly on holiday. I didn't see or speak to him ever again and it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I am so much better now that I was. I hope you are doing ok and have support around you. I did have counselling then which really helped and was very kind to myself for a long time.

BTW, you haven't know him long enough to see if his politics match his actions. Or any of it, really. It's only a few months. Step back a bit. It's early days yet, regardless of this MASSIVE RED FLAG.

I can't post much more for risk of projecting, but easy does it, tiger.

Is he a blonde beautiful banker?

MissFaversham - mutual support when you've left an abusive relationship is invaluable. Thank you for the offer. I will PM you. I joined a forum for people who had been in abusive relationships with people with the personality disorder that I think mine had. I posted on it hundreds of times and saw my story reflected back to me in others' posts over and over. I credit it with saving my sanity at the time.

This guy seems/seemed so different to the last one. I like to think he is a decent guy but is too weak around his friends to resist a few lines of coke and that then takes priority over everything.

Dita - no. He's a dark handsome salesman!

Rulers - you're right, absolutely. He did rant on about fairtrade and consumerism when I was staying with him for the weekend recently. But the more I read about the cocaine trade, the more I realise that it's anything but fairtrade....I would like to ask him how he feels about that sometime!

Sweetheart you are not soo much better you are just swapping one for the other in a different guise.

My husband developed a brief and very frightening cocaine addiction before we married. He only stopped when I left him. He got help, i went back He's never taken it again, thank god.

He wasn't himself in those months, and it was a long time ago. But I still have bad memories. They'll never leave me.