Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

you get to a stage (V V quickly) that you start to think "this night would be so much better with a wee line" you're then on the slippery slope of only being able to enjoy yourself when you know that you've got that wrap in your purse. remember as well, coke numbs your nervous system, does the hot sex last all night?? it's because he can't feel anything.

OP are you making this thing a battle of whits by any chance?

*He did rant on about fairtrade and consumerism when I was staying with him for the weekend recently. But the more I read about the cocaine trade, the more I realise that it's anything but fairtrade....I would like to ask him how he feels about that sometime!

Another trap.

"This guy seems/seemed so different to the last one. I like to think he is a decent guy but is too weak around his friends to resist a few lines of coke and that then takes priority over everything".

You met this guy online after all and he told you enough to get you hooked into seeing him some more.

Again you've swapped one type of user for yet another albeit different type of user. Your second sentence smacks of denial by making out that he has had no choice, you've made a pitiful excuse for him there. He has made a conscious choice to take cocaine, its had nothing to do with him being too supposedly weak around his friends to resist it. His sister also has a drug addiction. If you were to meet his friends (and even he has told you they are not nice) you would likely find that they are also as dependent on their drug of choice as he is.

You're going to get right in there anyway aren't you sweetheart no matter what anyone says.

Denial is a very very strong evil.

My advice OP is get yourself back into councilling NOW NOW NOW.

Denial too is a powerful force.

Be careful what you wish for.

Come on sweetheart, don't repeat that pattern, get off the mill before you have children. I'll do it with you!

Haven't read all the posts but anyone who takes illegal drugs are total wrongun's.

They are buying them from drug dealers who have no qualms about who they sell to.

I have had numerous chats with my DD about the evil of drugs. Your boyfriend is buying them from people who are no doubt happy to sell to kids.

I have no idea how you can be with someone like this.

He is helping to continue an evil trade that has wrecked lives and killed people.

A salesman who is very up and charming, who has been using for 15 years, with friends and his own sister, but only uses a couple of times a month? Yeah, right. I would bet a lot of money that he's using daily to keep up that charming exterior.

Anyway, you do seem determined to plough on, OP, perhaps you'll dismiss this thread as people exaggerating, perhaps you'll chat to him and he'll convince you it's just a recreational thing (and probably be quite annoyed you mentioned it). However, I think something will happen, you'll see he's lying about it, or he'll do it somewhere inappropriate, or you'll realise that everyone in his social circle and own siblings are into it and it excludes you. At the point you have this realisation, run like the wind and don't look back.

Awww, this isn't good.
I know someone who's dh is similar. Respectful job, family etc, and they have a dc together. He goes on benders, and goes missing for days on end because of his coke habit.
It truly is awful, as she is always worried shirtless when he goes missing, and if he's ever late home, if he's going to go missing.
She has no quality of life, and it won't be long before the dc picks up on it.

I say run, before you fall in love with him!

Shitless stupid smart phone

Thanks again for your input everyone.

Mumsyblouse - I have said a few times that I know what I need to do now and I don't think I've given an indication that I'm going to plough on with him. I just want to understand what's so great about cocaine that he would want to do that more than he'd want to see me. But perhaps it's not something I'll ever understand.

I do think he's in denial about his drug use and no, I don't think I'd ever get the truth if I asked him about it from what I've read elsewhere on other forums and on other threads on MN. I do like him, a lot, I'm not going to pretend I don't, but I don't want to be messed around again.

MissFaversham - re: the counselling, I think I might well do that. I saw a great woman last time so if she's still around I might get in touch again. As for me having a battle of wits with him....no, it's not like that. It's more that he has me convinced with his political and other views but I'd like to know what he thinks about the cocaine trade. If he didn't care, then it would be evidence that he is all talk and no action. It does seem very hypocritical to me to go on about buying Co-op coffee because it's fairtrade but then to buy cocaine.

Ok...there are a couple of other red flags that I should mention but I'm almost embarrassed to....

When I was staying with him last, he played tennis with his boss and some other guys. One of the guys was a police officer. When he got home, he said he hadn't liked being around the police officer because "they're never off duty". I asked what he had to worry about but I can't remember what the answer was. Again - this was in my 'I had no idea he took so much cocaine' stage.

And he dealt drugs through uni. But I couldn't judge him on that because my younger brother did a bit of dealing when he was younger and stupider. My brother has nothing to do with any of that now. I didn't feel I could judge this guy for doing something that my own brother has done.

You could judge them both.

OP I'm really not judgemental about coke - I used to be in a wide circle of regular coke taking, probably quite similar to your boyfriend.

Some of my "friends" - despite repeatedly telling me that they are over it - are still caught in that scene. One has been caught by the police possessing it and risks losing his career. One is a pregnant mother . On my birthday last year I left early as I didn't want to have any part of it - two male friends arrived home at midday the next day after spending hours in A&E after collapsing in a club. I haven't seen them since and I have no intention of seeing them again. What it will take to make them give up I have no idea.

I'm not scaremongering. It's just very very addictive and simply takes control.

Lose him.

"I just want to understand what's so great about cocaine that he would want to do that more than he'd want to see me. But perhaps it's not something I'll ever understand"

Well he's been doing coke for 15 years and his whole lifestyle is geared towards facilitating his cocaine use.

He's known you three months.

There's no big mystery.

Ah, just checking

It's quite normal for internet dating relationships to fizzle out after a couple of months, and it sounds like that's what's happening here. Which, frankly, is the best possible outcome, and I'm sure you'll look back and be glad you got out when you did.

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but it was a phrase that was used by one of my ex-drug using clients (I'm an ex-mental health nurse and drugs worker) and while I professionally disagreed with it , she and other users used it on themselves when talking honestly about their own and others interaction with drug users..''First time a victim, second time a volunteer''

They recognised in themselves a denial of the facts when dealing with their drug addicted partners, a belief that they could change their partner, then a growing pressure to use with the partner to deflect criticism and /or share to keep the relationship..all the time believing that they could change the user through love, affection and care. What they got in exchange was contempt, abuse and disease, and no amount of external prompting or concern from family, friends, clinicians or the law did anything but draw them closer to their partners.

it is an abusive cycle that you are part knowingly entering into, and possibly
enjoying the thrill, danger and martyrdom complex that these guys engender.

Please get out now.

ohdobuckup, you have said the best post I have ever heard in this situation. I hope the OP listens to you I really do.

Shirsten, I am a massive cynic, I admit, but I wouldn't put much store in having met your male feminist dream, when push comes to shove. Maybe put your energies into your feminist stuff for the time being? There's board here, you know

Thanks Rulers. Yes, I have spent a fair bit of time in the feminist section. I meet so few men who get it and are supportive that when I met him, and he was sporty, and good looking, and we had things in common, I couldn't believe my luck.

I do feel very disappointed that he's not turned out to be the person he appeared to be at first.

I have a good friend who is a long term social user and I like him very much. He seems to handle it well and manages his job, family and life etc. But he lives in a flat despite having a very good job. A small flat because cocaine is bloody expensive. I like him and I would consider him a very lovely person but I would never ever ever want to date him or want any of my friends to. Cocaine is unpleasant and I think the lifestyle is addictive for people, if they can't simply enjoynlife without it then that is a problem. I look forward to parties and weddings etc, a good group of friends is enough for me to have fun I don't need a line of coke.
He will always be broke and will always rely on it no matter what he says. And the constant sniffing after he has used it if I see him drives me mad.

When doing a stint recently in A&E, men under 40 admitted with chest pain were asked about coaine use/abuse.Over 90% admitted to 'recreational' use.40% of those had full on myocardial infarcts (heart attacks).Sorry,Shirsten but this man is a drug addict and is living on borrowed time.Best to get rid now and save yourself a lot of heartache later. Mx.

Only read first post.

My DP smokes a lot of pot in scenarios where people usually drink as he doesn't drink. (he's actually cut down dramatically though) His psycho brother however is addicted to meth, and at the age of 24 has a heart condition. Trust me, pot is as far as you wanna go with what you'll put up with. I've tried it all, and known a lot of junkies. Don't set yourself up for heartache.

I married one of these. I would advise you not to. I divorced him eventually. He still hasn't divorced coke, 8 years on.