Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

Shirsten I'm really impressed with you. You like him a lot, but still have had the guts to have that conversation with him and agree to call it a day. Even when there are still good times.

You'll go far! There's a bloke out there for you who'll be chuffed to bits to have you in his life.

Sorry you're sad and upset.

Hope you meet someone lovely who deserves you.

Hi Shirsten

I liked my ex a lot too. But by god I wish I hadn't wasted so many years on him and hopefully you had a lucky escape.

Mine was a recreational user and sucked me in so I did it too, and even got pregnant when too out of it to use contraception (he refused to use any).

Once we had a child it fucked me off immensely that he spent all our money on coke and spent all weekend recovering, as my priorities had completely changed. We had a hideous relationship til I upped and left never to return.

He's hugely in debt as am I, but at least I don't live with him anymore and now I find it pitiful that he carries on with his party lifestyle with his mates whilst me and the kids live a sensible life.

It all seemed so exciting but it was utterly rubbish. I got lots of grief from his mates who were also coke heads, but I am vastly better off not having an overgrown child constantly deplete our bank account and sleep all weekend.

I suspect him implying you're not exciting enough is another huge defence mechanism which means he doesn't need to change anything.

I now am with a clean living emotionally stable reliable man and it is way better than living with a soul of the party man.

Onwards and upwards! You have done yourself a favour. Good luck.

It sounds like you learned so much from this, even if the hard way. You followed your instincts, you asked questions, and you dealt with difficult answers.

One thing I learnt about "hot and cold" behaviour, or a hot / cold feeling is to take notice of it! It is telling you something, that there is something about this man that is unclear, confused, conflicted .

You picked up on that instinctively and now you know and you have saved yourself months and possibly years of being confused, unhappy or messed about. And next time you will be even more on-the-ball.

Its hard to think of it as a positive when you feel so hurt. But I bet if you come back to this forum in even a month's time you will feel quite differently ...

OP, I think it has turned out for the best. He was blowing hot and cold, he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Whether this is because of his coke use, his lifestyle or he's just a bit of an idiot, it's not clear. That's why you did the right thing in asking questions and seeing the warning signs. You'll find someone else nice, I'm sure of it.

Hi everyone
All your input and kind words have been very helpful to me - thank you. I do feel very upset. This was my first proper 'relationship' (of sorts) in 2.5 years and we'd got on so well...yet he sounded indifferent when he talked to me last night. I don't know why he didn't finish it before if he felt like this but he said that he didn't know himself what he wanted.

One thing I forgot to say is that in our last conversation, he told me that I made him nervous! I think he knew how umimpressed I was when he cancelled on me the last time. I did send him a message at the time saying 'don't ever do this to me again'! I can't think how else I've made him feel nervous unless that's the coke paranoia talking.

Janelikesjam - I think you're right about the hot and cold behaviour. I was trying very hard to 'play it cool' in the beginning but I wasn't happy about him seeming to go quiet on me from time to time. I've had trouble separating out how he made me feel to the stress triggers left from my previous EA relationship. However, I think my gut feel was that there was something wrong and I've been proved right now.

Maryz - I hope you're right...I can't help but compare myself to his previous exes - he managed 5 years and 2 years with them but barely a few months with me. In some ways, I'm glad as I don't want to waste more precious time with someone who isn't right for me.

Slashtrophe - thanks for sharing your story. It's helpful to see it from the perspective of someone who's been in that position. I'm glad things have worked out for you now.

To everyone else whose replied, thank you for your support and validation. It's been really helpful. I have read and reread all your replies over and over and will carry on reading them while I get through this. It feels pretty rubbish right now.

Only lasting a couple of months is something to be proud of, that you saw through him so fast. However it could also be that his "mistress" (C) is getting a firmer hold on him, so he could manage to be pretty normal for quite a long time (at least until she was well enmeshed with the first one), not quite as long with the second; and now he can't cover up even for a few months now.

OP, the reason you didn't "last as long" as the exes is because you have stronger boundaries, and are very possibly more emotionally-switched on

You don't know how badly he treated those women, and how much shit they put up with

Stop turning everything here into an implied judgement on you

the person you should be judging here is him and thankfully you seem to have grasped he is found wanting

Mummytime - it hadn't occurred to me that it could be getting worse. That is a possibility. Thanks for pointing that out.

AnyFucker - I guess I'm still having trouble seeing it from an outsider's point of view. I felt great when I was with him and - bar the coke - he ticked all the boxes for me. I almost felt like it was too good to be true that a guy like him would be interested in me. I hope I will see it differently soon. I can't help but think that what he said to me last night was a load of cr@p and that he's just not that interested or he's still on/off with his ex (there were a couple of clues when I was with him). I don't know if it's the coke or the ex....it just feels strange and confusing that we can get on so well and laugh non stop when we're together and suddenly he's not interested. I do have a feeling of not being good enough. However, I'm still pretty raw so hopefully I'll feel better in a few days (I really hope so...).

I hope so too.

Although I see no reason to believe you are actually too good for a drug-addicted arsehole who could well be still playing around with one of his exes (that he charmingly tried to pit you against)

He told me that she disappeared off owing him a lot of money that he'd invested in her business. I wish I'd asked more questions when he told me all of this - and about the more recent ex - but I didn't. The most recent ex phoned him when I was there a few weeks ago. He told me that she phones him as much now as she ever did when they were together and that she's got OCD but he's obviously not discouraging it (and on Facebook she had that they were still in a relationship together). In fact, I think he's buying one of his properties through her now (perhaps I shouldn't say too much more in case anyone can identify him).

I feel a bit stupid writing all of this because I think I've been a bit of a mug.

I did ask if the OCD caused the relationship to break down but he said it wasn't that and that it was very turbulent. I couldn't imagine it being turbulent as to me he was always very affable and sweet.

I don't know what I think about the drug use but I do think that doing it at family occasions is wrong. I'd be pretty insulted if someone thought my birthday party or wedding was so dull that they'd have to snort coke in the toilets to get through it!

Have an unMN hug from me. Ending a relationship is horrible, but you did the right thing.

Thanks Bunbaker. All hugs very welcome!

He's sent me a couple of texts but I haven't been very friendly in my replies. I'm not being messed around again.

Hi Shirsten,

Sorry to hear it's over, but honestly I think you have dealt with this really well. I second Maryz's comment that you made him feel nervous because he realised you had standards and wouldn't put up with any crap. It sounds like there is some oddness going on with the exes too which raises more red flags.

Shirsten, don't reply. He's not worth the 10p it costs per text. And even if you're being rude or telling him to fuck off he'll still get a kick from it, because he'll know you're giving him headspace. Clean break, it's the only way to go. Believe me!!!

(But you've been marvy not wasting your non-drug-addled time on him! round of applause )

You have done the right thing and though it hurts now, it will pass it hurts everytime someone in your life has to leave no matter the reason for it, but in this case it is a lot less hurtful now than in 6months, a year, 5 years time, when you have experienced the true cost of cocaine. I hope that you are starting to feel better.

((((HUGS))))

Like i did, well actually 7 and a half years and married him cos he promised once we got married he would stop!! I was just 17 and very niave at the time. You are much better off without him!!

Hi all
Just an update....been feeling pretty rotten all week but have resisted texting/e-mailing etc. I am a bit concerned about how I'm going to get back the stuff that I left at his. I don't want to see him and I've asked him to post it back to me but think he's probably too flakey (that's a really good word, whoever used that about him) to get round to it.

I made a list of the time we spent together our dates and when I think he was taking cocaine/when I know he definitely took it, and the red flags that I should have picked up on either on the dates or inbetween. It's quite a long list. I was very naive about drugs; less so now after reading about it all week and, as someone pointed out, he isn't as functional as I thought he was.

Any Fucker - you were so right when you said "When he's flying he'll treat you like a queen. Get him to be pinned down though, when he's not coked, this is what you get."

I think this is exactly what happened. He was so lovely when we were together and he was the one who suggested that we be exclusive initially, invited me away for the weekend and to the family wedding, was funny, kind and attentive when I was with him.

But definitely very flakey inbetween dates from the very beginning.

I miss him and I miss the excitement of knowing I'm going to see him. It did really hurt to hear his indifference to me at the end. I know he likes festivals (lots of drugs there, I think?!) and am secretly hoping that he'll spend any festivals that he was planning to go to (he has mates who get him in 'backstage') knee deep in mud....bad karma, I know!

Thanks again to everyone for your input and wise words. It has been very helpful.

Get in touch withe the previous girlfriends. Ask them. Listen to what they say.

This is the hugest mistake we make! We dismiss eachother's experience!

My sisters coke head ex is currently in jail, again, for assault, stalking and harassment and breaking restraining and non molestation orders again my sister.

Cocaine did this to him. They were together since they were 17, for 16 years. He started off doing it when they were going out. In the end (before christmas gone) he was doing it 4 times per week, taking money from her bank account and wouldn't be seen from the moment he took the money until he had come down. He was gone for a full week once.

She had a lightbulb moment when he choked her and knocked her clean out on boxing day in front of their 2 young sons for not giving him money. Since then, he has stalked her, made threats to kill, sent her pictures of him with a noose around his neck and eyes bulging, stood at the end of her street in pouring rain in the middle of the night watching her house, climbed onto the conservatory roof and banged on the windows in the middle of the night, told their sons and mutual friends/anyone who will listen that she is having an affair with their eldests football coach. Just made her life an absolute living hell.

He got out of jail last week, that same day he was banging on her windows and then when the police came, he confronted them and tried to bite them... he is back away now.

So glad to read that it has ended. A life like my sister has right now is not one to be missed. Good luck with finding someone not on that stuff, because when you're with someone who is - you'll never come first x

shirsten you are doing so so well not to email or text him, how important are the things you left at his> irreplaceable with sentimental value or just material items that although may be expensive are replaceable? Cos if its the latter trust me its not worth the bother. I took a few clothes and lost everything else when i left my ex, but i am so glad i did it. I was really worried you would end up in a similar situation to what i was in, and so relieved you didnt. If you need an ear to listen and not judge we are here, always and any way, Pah who needs men! We are strong independent individuals right?