Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

My late fiance did coke. I told him that I didn't like it and that I wouldn't make him choose between me and the drugs; but that I didn't want to be around him when he was under the effects, suffering after effects and using them. That night he said that he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me and if that meant not doing coke, weed, pills etc, fine. He didn't need them anymore as getting back together (he was my first bf and we were on and off for nearly 9 years), being together and in love was more important. He was the absolute love of my life, and he chose me. His death was not drug related, was an awful rta.

So sorry mango, how awful.

I have known and been a peripheral part of a circle of recreational coke users. It continued for some time, yet most of us came out unscathed into long term loving relationships. Those not mature enough to balance their lives have stayed partying, though thankfully the coke use has diminished.

The point I'm labouring to make for the OP is that it's not you vs. coke. It's him vs. the lifestyle. If he can't compromise for you then he's not a good long term prospect.

I'm finding it hard to understand why you're taking it so personally in terms of your ego and self esteem.

He's a coke addict. Has been for fifteen years. Why on earth would a three month relationship take precedence over that?

Your dog isn't a retired police drugs dog, is she? Might explain why she's so attentive to him.

I sympathise with the dog vote of approval because my dogs have got the measure of most of my mates, good and bad but it's telling that you mention her and not your human friends. What do they think about him? Would his tennis and his great job and his feminist sympathies cut enough ice with them, compared with his flaky planning and drug use? How does he/you feel about introducting them? I've known a few 'casual' drug users who don't actually want a partner-in-crime; they want a nice sensible other half who can make them believe they're not actually going off the rails, and also put the worried minds of their family to rest. You know, 'He can't be that bad if he's dating a sweet girl like her and still playing tennis twice a week...' It never seems to end well for the nice sensible other half.

It might be completely different for you, but if you've got yourself out of one horrible relationship it seems a shame to waste your time on someone who's happy to do coke at his mum's birthday party like a ker-azy teenager.

My friends are happy to see me so happy after the cr@p I went through with my ex. As for my dog being an ex police dog - that made me laugh!

He did invite me to the family wedding after only 3 dates which seemed a little premature to me and, in the end, I couldn't go anyway, but his parents sound like nice people and I wondered if he wanted to show them that he could get someone sensible. He told me about a time with a previous girlfriend when they were on coke on Christmas day at his grandparents, like it was so funny. I just sat there and said "you took coke at your grandparents' on Christmas day?!"

I'minabeautifulplace - the way you phrase it - him vs the lifestyle - is a very helpful way to look at it, thank you.

In terms of why my ego is taking a battering, I really want to see him and yet a few times when I've tried to suggest dates to meet up (it's difficult because he works away during the week) he says that he might be too 'wrecked' from a night out with his mates to see me the following day. If it was me I'd just not drink so much (or take the drugs). We only get a small window of time to meet up each week. When we do see each other, it's great. We get on very well and I feel very comfortable around him and he's the first guy I've felt like this about since I kicked my ex out 3 years ago.

Unless he is just on coke each time and I've been too naive to notice...

"Unless he is just on coke each time and I've been too naive to notice"

I'm sorry, but he probably is. Most people have good and bad days. If you only ever see this guy on a good day you aren't seeing the whole picture.

"I really want to see him and yet a few times when I've tried to suggest dates to meet up (it's difficult because he works away during the week) he says that he might be too 'wrecked' from a night out with his mates to see me the following day."

Sorry, but the red flags have come out again. He is obviously putting his lifestyle before you. It sounds like he only wants to see you when it suits him. Please pull your head out of the sand.

Can i also mention that eventually the money will run out, and he will be so far into the addiction he will do anything for cocaine, he will sell ever possession he has, borrow money, and eventually he may even end up dealing cocaine to feed his own habit. I know this may never happen. I am just saying that this could happen. Cocaine is not a drug that is easily controlled. It is a destroyer. It eats up the person using it and everything around that person, including their loved ones. In the end it isnt whether or not the cocaine user loves you more than the drug, its that they are so heavily addicted that they dont know how to live without this drugs. The come downs are not pretty. I saw my ex overdose mildly on cocaine, i was clearing up bloody vomit (literally blood) for most the night, it wasnt pretty nor was it nice knowing that the person you loved thought they were about to die, with your baby son in the room next door. It is not a nice sight and some do turn their lives around, its just a case of whether he is ready to, because you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped or doesnt recognise they have a problem, and are you prepared to go through all the stages he will have to go through before he gets to that stage? I couldnt. Drugs instantly write someone off for me. I know that sounds so judgemental but the experiences that i went through have made me feel like that. And some cocaine users never make it to rehab cos the drug kills them first or they die an addict. Just think about what you could be getting yourself into. He may be the sweetest kindest person off the drugs, but on the drugs they can lose it, the person changes into something you no longer recognise.

Hi Shirsten,
Ive read your whole thread-have been a long term member of mumsnet and havent often posted,but your story has compelled me to respond.I dont know you or your DP ,but this all sounds so awful.You posted yesterday that you were going to speak with him about 'all of this'- presumably you didnt get the answer you wanted because you've not mentioned last night yet today-or was he too wrecked to see you last night?
It must be very difficult not being able to make a decision about whether you want to be with this guy or not- but from where Im sitting he's not going to change his lifestyle after 15 years of 'use'. He's still using-If I were in your shoes then Id drop him and find someone else-like someone further upthread said relationships should not be this difficult .You deserve so much better than this ,and its going to get far worse in the future if you put up with it.
Good luck with whatever decision you come to.

Hi headintheclouds - thank you for replying, especially if you don't very often. I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread. I did see this weekend and it was lovely - as it always is when I see him. Although again, when I asked him what he was doing next weekend, I got a vague answer. This is irritating because I have other people I want to see and family to visit and it's difficult to plan when he is being vague. I do think the writing is on the wall with this though because I am feeling quite stressed about it all and I suspect that if I challenge him, I am not going to get the response that I would like.

I should have mentioned that he split up with his 2 year relationship not long before we got together so I'm wary of pushing him too much for anything too serious. He said that it was a long time coming but I am think I am more ready to be serious than he is.

Mylittlemiracles - Your experiences sound horrendous and, again, I'm grateful to you for sharing them. Obviously I don't want to be in that position and all the stories that people have shared with me have made me realise what I could be getting into. I still find it difficult to imagine him in that position because he is so high functioning but then I guess no-one thought that their other halves would end up like that either.

Bunbaker - you're right. I have a definite sense lately that his mates come first. I was trying hard not to be too demanding or needy because we've been together that long but it is starting to make me feel as though he considers his time to be more precious than mine.

I managed to read quite a lot of Rachel's Holiday yesterday so thanks again to the person who recommended that.

I did read it years ago (as I think I said) but it has a lot more relevance to me now so thank you for the recommendation. I called into my local library yesterday and luckily they had a copy. I seem to recall that everything turns out ok for Rachel in the end but I don't think it's going to go that way with my situation.

I did hear an interview with Marian Keyes about her alcoholism but, from the way she'd written it, you'd think she had first hand experience of drugs as well. This Charming Man was (almost) the same experience I had with my EA ex except his social skills were lacking and he wasn't that charming!

I have partly been tiptoeing around this new guy a bit because he hasn't been single for that long and I didn't want to push it. But even so, I do want more than I think he is prepared to give. I want to be able what I'm doing next weekend for one thing and him not being definite with me does annoy me (understatement).

I can't phone him tonight for a couple of reasons but am going to steel myself to make the call tomorrow and speak to him about all of this. I say steel myself because I think I know which way it's going to go and, although I don't want to stop seeing him, I don't want to be messed around either. I do feel very upset at the idea of not seeing him anymore though. Meeting guys I find attractive doesn't happen very often.

Thanks again for everyone's advice/thoughts/experiences.

I want to be able to plan what I'm doing next weekend....

you didn't have that serious talk with him, then ?

like you said you would ?

this is how your life would be with him...not able to talk about the elephant in the room

every time you say something that begins to find the insight you need to end this dysfuctional relationship, you follow it up with a "yes, but...." statement

listen to yourself

you are either willing to live like this, or you are not

which is it ?

OP Sweetheart, he has already messed you about hasn't he. You already don't know whether he's available next week, so what would you do? wait around until HE told you whether he was up for spending time with you or not?

Come on OP.

You're getting sucked back into dysfunctional again.

I would just go ahead and make those plans for next weekend without him. You can't put your life on hold for an a**hole like this guy.

I second the person who said he doesn't want a partner in crime. My ExH wanted a wife at home so that he could seem 'normal'. Someone to keep the home fires burning and be there when he got back from being wasted. Don't get too far into this.

Dear Shirsten,
Don't,for one minute,think that you'll be able to plan anything with this man. I have several lovely friends that I've known since their 20's,now in their 50's,still coking it. All have failed relationships. Purely because they don't fall over drunk,or become incoherent through dope,they manage to sustain the semblance of normality. They take it every day.

I phoned him when I got back from work earlier and we talked about things and - as a result - are no longer dating.

I feel pretty upset. He said he couldn't understand why he felt the way he did, that he thought I was beautiful, funny & intelligent and he had a great time when he was with me but that he thought he just wasn't ready for another relationship.

When we met I knew he hadn't split up with his ex that long before but he assured me at the time that it had been a long time coming and that he was ready to date. I have been quite stressed by his hot and cold behaviour (I think it triggered a lot of my stress from my ex) so I did get quite angry with him this evening, not least for putting himself on the dating website if he wasn't ready.

He's had me confused because he did things like invite me to the family wedding, was lovely and attentive when we were together and he kept telling me how much he missed me when I went away on a trip not long after we met. We did have a couple of things booked for next month, like theatre tickets. I'll have to take someone else now. Not sure why he let me book them if he felt like this.

I tried to raise the subject of the "difference in our lifestyles" and I asked if that bothered him but he just kept insisting that he didn't do that much. But when I pushed it, he said again that he didn't think I'd like his friends. He said that he'd got to the stage where he realised he'd rather hang out with his mates in the pub than see me which was a bit of a kick in the teeth.

I know most of you will say that it's the best thing that could have happened and I hope that I'll see it that way soon. I just feel very hurt right now because, despite his cr@p behaviour, we did have a great time when we were together and I did like him. A lot. I had a few dates with guys last year and was quite relieved not to hear from them again. It was different with this one. If we hadn't got on as well as we did, I wouldn't feel so bad.

He said he wanted to stay in touch but I told him (I am pretty angry) that I didn't see the point. I like him too much to be friends with him. He's got some stuff of mine that I'll need to get back though.

Thanks for all the advice/support on here. Off to go and cuddle my dog.

Thanks so much Shirsten for updating the thread. I know a lot of people were concerned for you, including myself. I'm certainly not going to say that I told you so. It sucks even if he was not right for you in the long term. Sorry you're sad.

Walk away now and don't let him suck you back in. You'll look back and thank your lucky stars this has happened.

He's "not ready" because you dared to raise a couple of tricky issues. Run like the wind girl.

Oh Shirsten I'm sorry you're upset and hurting.

I do think you've had a lucky escape and that you'll feel very differently about this in a month or so. But I realise that's no help now while you're feeling like shit.

I'm still picking up from your posts that you're blaming yourself for not being 'good' enough to divert him from his mates and drug taking. Please stop thinking like this. Your lifestyles are incompatible and you're both in different places in terms of what you want from a relationship. It's simply a case of circumstance and timing, and not any reflection on your worth.

Have a glass of wine and a cuddle with your dog. Remember you deserve much more from a relationships than some coke head just phoning it in.

His loss.

He likes his druggie mates more than he does you. That's not a reflection on you, but on him. Honestly you're better off out of it.

The "hot and cold" ?

Flakey behaviour from a druggie. When he's flying he'll treat you like a queen. Get him to be pinned down though, when he's not coked, this is what you get.

This would have been your life with a cocaine-user. You have had a lucky escape...like you said you won't want to hear that now, but very soon you will accept the truth of this