Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

Yes I think it's that last one you said oxfordbags, the ways how it's me. Hearing that you believe me, at the moment it just highlights how I still don't believe me. I don't want to be persuaded in stark terms - it doesn't make it more believable it makes it more overwhelming. I just need to process it all. I appreciate all your posts and it's awful that so many people have so many bad experiences, really awful.

I understand what you mean Orkward. I think people are being a bit harsh because they're really worried that you're trying to minimise what happened. Minimising it is totally understandable and normal, but the massive downside is that there is a big danger that it will happen again, and worse still that you will start to accept it. That would be a terrible outcome. I suppose the aim is to challenge you and to keep you thinking, which at the moment is a huge strain on you, but it is necessary. Does that make sense?

Okay, no stark terms, but just know we are on your side and we believe you and we don't think you are responsible. I hope you get a good night's sleep.

What Oxford said.

Thank you. I realise that I can't really ask for your advice and then say that's not really the advice I want to hear and could you all rephrase it - but I have been challenged by it all, I am still thinking, I do want things to change and be different I just have to do it at a pace where I can take it in and be sure of myself.

How are things at the moment Orkward?

I don't know, on the surface things are ok, just normal life, - we're not getting on well but we're polite and it's ok, it's just that I'm so anxious all the time it's really exhausting, head always spinning and heart racing and trying to cover it up at work and with children and in front of friends.

I've been where you are so understand the need to process things.

Could you get in contact with your local women's aid?

They'll be there to support you at your pace and help you as much as possible.

Yes, you don't have to admit it or talk about anything you don't want to but they will give you good support.

I don't know, I don't know what help I need or want. What do they do? My first reaction is still that it's not applicable for me, it's not relevant - but I KNOW that reading this back that it must be. Or I wouldn't feel like this would I.

I think this may be my actual face. Sorry for being a broken record.

They will just talk to you I think. They just talked to me. I was the same, didn't know what I thought, felt I shouldn't be there. They were brilliant.

I went on some courses, they took us on some trips out. They signposted for other things I needed.

They just chatted about anything I wanted to talk about, which was anything but the abuse. I said I wasn't sure if I was talking to the right people, that I didn't think I was being abused. They just wanted to know if I was safe and provided a room when I wasn't safe. I went back and forth a LOT and they were always there

It was easier to go to them than friends or work as I didn't have to explain anything. They didn't pressure me just listened and helped when my safety was at risk which is what I needed

How are you OP?

Hello. I tried the online helpline through rainn as recommended by someone here, I thought it would be easier than speaking to someone on the phone at this point. The person advised me to go to counselling with him, to confront him, and that we could get past it and be happy. All the opposite things to what you've been saying. Turns out, I don't want to hear that either!

I can't believe that person said that you on the phone! That is totally and utterly the wrong advice. How can anyone, let alone a person from a helpline for rape and abuse survivors, tell a person to stay with a rapist???!!

How are you feeling at the moment Orkward?

It was a typing sort of helpline - not telephone as still can't speak about it, but thought i'd try the writing it to them. It was helpful only in so far as her attitude actually got me to write what it was, rather than make it seem smaller, because she seemed so positive that with counseling we could be fine. I thought i wanted to hear that, but it made me quite horrified so in a way, that has to be a good step doesn't it?

Horrified in what way?

Which helpline was it? that's appalling, you should never be advised to have councelling with an abuser.

Ok, have just checked rainn out, do you think you could go to your local rape crisis?

The advice you've been given doesn't agree with the advice on the website.

I suppose horrified that she could suggest we go together, have counseling, then put it behind us like it doesn't matter, but that's precisely what i've been trying to convince myself of so it's weird. I thought that's what I wanted to hear. There's no advice or anything that I am going to be ok with hearing I suppose. Yes I read the links on the site, it didn't really match up with what she was saying.

She said that people can deal with it together and put it behind them, do you think they really can? She did also say that she couldn't tell me what to do and that only I know my situation etc etc, she only made suggestions. Mostly she just said 'i understand how you might think that' to most things I said.

Take your time with all this Orkward. We believe you. Just keep processing how you feel and get a second opinion, as it were, re counselling.

No I absolutely do not believe people can deal with something like that together and put it behind them, no way. That person must be mental if she thinks that.

She sounds like she hadn't a clue what she was on about. Unfortunately you find people like that on all helplines.

How are you feeling?

I've found in my life that sometimes getting the advice I thought I wanted (especially cos I thought it would give me permission to do something, or prove me right) has made me re-think what I wanted and why I wanted it.

Lots of light and love and support to you, Orkward.

Cailin I still feel like I'm arguing with myself all the time.

Thank you blackcurrants.

I know some of you said confronting him isn't a good idea, but i do still feel like I have to before I can know what to do. Not confronting in a fighty way, just talking about it all really. I really don't know what I want him to say, or what I want to say at this point, but I think I need to. Im finding this weirdness of not communicating really hard - I usually try to make things ok but atm i'm not so it's all just a really unreal atmosphere like I'm waiting for something to happen.