Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

What do think you would say if you did confront him about it?

What do you think you might gain from confronting him orkward?

I don't really know.

I'm scared of just going along with things in order to avoid things, I think if I can actually put all this stuff into words then it will be real and we will have to face it and there won't be the possibility of accepting anything that I don't want to. I'm not sure if that makes sense as I'm vaguely using the word THING too much.

When you say "we will have to face it," what do you mean?

Well, at the moment, he won't acknowledge it and I'm not dealing with it and the result is me feeling so confused and upset and doubting myself. We both will have to face it, I realise that we might not agree, ever, but something has to change for me to not feel like this. Lots of things are going to have to change.

I don't know this is as far as I've got.

Maybe I do just need him to admit what happened so that I can feel less mad.

If you feel it would be helpful, I think you should do it. I'm not an expert or anything, and I think you should probably do it when someone is e.g. about to come over to the house to take you away for the night, so there's a definite end point and a safe place for you to go and think.

Is it that if you have a proper talk about it, it will make it really real and not just something festering in your mind? That you want to share this problem in a sense and bring it into the real world.

Do you have a sister or female friend that you could talk to? Other women are amazing for helping you stand up for yourself IMO

Yes I think so, I think that's what it is.

I don't know that I want to tell anyone in real life yet, I have thought about it a lot. It's whenever that I start to consider actual action of taking it out of my head that I start to panic and decide to just never mention it again.

I'm just concerned that you're hoping for too much from your husband Orkward. What if he doesn't acknowledge it and just tells you you're overreacting?

I don't know.

Are you hoping he will acknowledge it?

Sadly I think the likelihood of him saying "I'm so sorry I did that to you, it is unacceptable. Let me move out while I get counselling and learn to respect other people's bodies, while you have some space to think about whether you want me back and if so under what terms." is pretty small.

He will blame you (again). Almost certainly. Or tell you you're crazy :(

Do you have a good friend or sister? At all? Someone you talk to?

Yes, I suppose I do just want him to acknowledge it.

I have friends, I can't think of anyone I could stand to talk to about this, not at the moment. Closest friend is also very good friends with him, they meet up in the week for coffee. All local friends are people with children the same age as my dc, I like them all very much but I just can't imagine discussing this.

To be honest I don't think there's any chance he'll acknowledge it. If he was going to apologise for it he would have done it by now, of his own accord.

I can understand you not feeling up to talking to people. Keep talking here if you can.

I've spoken to my friend on emails and she has given really good advice, it's helped a lot - i was totally keeping it to myself before, I have been to gp, told him about anxiety and will have a telephone assessment to go on the waiting list for counselling - although he did warn me that the wait is a long time. I didn't mention anything specific, just the panic attacks. But it could be months if they even decide i should go on the list.

My xp as good as acknowledged what he did in family court years after it happened. He refused to acknowledge his daughter and did not want contact with her and eventually said since I seemed to remember her conception "so vividly" it must be true that she is his (still made me fight for dna testing though). This was good enough validation for me when I was still in the mire of uncertainty, especially since I'd never really spoken about it, it was a weird thing to say. I can understand your need for validation orkward. Really I can but I think it is very unlikely he will admit it. My concern about you confronting him is that you will not be safe since sexual abuse is linked to physical violence and murder but perhaps you are hoping his reaction will help you self-validate even if he will not admit it? Honestly I don't know what to advise and I really think it is crucial you go to women's aid and let them support you.

Offred maybe you're right, I think having an actual proper discussion will help me to understand what happened myself, even if just saying it to him will make me accept it? It all seems so unlikely sometimes - you know what it's like with children and bedtimes and all the usual mundane routines and discussing things like if there's milk enough for the morning etc, in so many ways things are just so normal - there's just this back ground high pitched panic alarm in my head all the time, I wish it would stop, it's exhausting.

I don't think i would gain anything from trying that helpline again - even if they don't give me that advice. They just say 'i understand how that could feel' and 'that sounds like it must be stressful'. I don't know how it could help.

Still swinging from thinking that talking about it is making it clearer all the time and giving me more strength to face it - to thinking that talking about it has just made me imagine things that aren't there, blow up all the bad things into something really big and significant when it's not. I know that must be really annoying to read but it's true, I cannot say with any certainty what I think is going on.

Try women's aid though awkward. My experience of them is not that they just offer meaningless platitudes, they give real support.

But I don't know what support I want or need, I'm not sure that I want to ask for any. I'm supposed to be at work today but can't face seeing people as had another sleepless night. H all concerned and nice, adding to my feeling of insanity, I really wish I could get a grip on myself.

It's ok to feel the way you do Orkward. Don't put pressure on yourself to "get over it." Take your time.

Does your DH know why you're not well? Has he mentioned anything?

No he doesn't. Because i've been physically not well for a while I've put a lot down to that, blaming medication side effects and being tired, etc. Been getting much better physically though, just not mentally.

Is there no chance of you getting at least 24 hours away from him? Just to give you distance and time to think?

What about children and school runs and stuff?

Even at the weekend there's so many annoying child related commitments in the next few weeks. I am going to have 3 whole days away at end of July, sort of working though.

Can't he take them to things?