Please help me write email to toxic mother

[Memoo]

My mother has belittled, criticised and been emotionally unavailable all my life and it has had a huge effect on my self esteem.
I have never stood up to her. Even now I feel frightened of her and of her reactions.
After a disastrous week at her house I am bubbling with anger and resentment.

She has just sent me a message on FB (like that's an appropriate place for this) saying "have I upset you?"

I really really want and need to tell her the stuff that is bothering me but I don't want to rant, be childish or give her the opportunity to say I'm being cruel.

What do I say? The things that bother me:

1. she favours eldest dc
2. she is always criticising my parenting and she always does it right in the middle of dd's tantrums.
3. she has always been cold and emotionally unavailable and I have never felt that she like me.
4. Im hurt because I thought this week together was a chance to put things right but it just proved that nothing had changed. she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. She spent the whole week avoiding me.

On the first night there I told her that I might have MS (waiting to see neurologist for further tests) she didn't ask me how I was or even mention it for the whole week.

I need to just write a few lines to convey my upset. What do I write?

Very grateful for any help

Stop before you write ANYTHING. You are feeding the toxic beast that is your mother by responding to her bad behaviour.

By the sounds of things you've had huge news. Ignore and stay no-contact with her until you can collect your thoughts.

You should read the book Toxic Parents ASAP. This is basically what helped me deal with my emotionally abusive parents.

Thank you Zara. I'll have a look for it on Amazon.

Memoo I am so sorry you are waiting for such a frightening diagnosis.

I am also sorry you have a toxic mother and that it has affected your self-esteem. Can I ask what you hope to achieve? If you need to express yourself, if you need to lay responsibility for the hurt you've been carrying where it belongs, it may be worth writing the letter, and then choosing whether or not to send it.

BUT if you want her to hear you, to understand your hurt, and to acknowledge it, it is a complete waste to send a letter to such a person. Because she won't hear you, or understand, or acknowledge your pain or her responsibility. If she was a person capable of such behaviour, she wouldn't be a toxic parent in the first place. You will only be hurting yourself further if you write to her expecting any kind of understanding.

I recommend reading "Toxic Parents" and "When you and your mother can't be friends": the former discusses how to confront toxic parents (in the understanding that the confrontation is NOT going to be a moment of epiphany for the parents, but a time of closure for you), while the latter discusses several strategies for managing a toxic parent, from low contact to no contact.

Good luck, with everything.

It's perfectly OK not to respond to your mother's FB message, btw. You don't have to reply just because someone has messaged you, or pick up the phone just because someone has dialed, etc, if yOU don't want to. In case you were at all feeling that a response to her message is necessary.

Have you ever tried to tell her this stuff before? Do you think she has any idea?

HotDAMN really does know what she's talking about, she's walked that walk.

Don't feed your DM. Walk away. She's not worth it.

It never actually occurred to me that I didnt need to respond to her message. That's quite a revelation for me. I don't want to talk to her at the moment. I want to collect my thoughts for a few days.

What I want to achieve is to finally be brave enough to tell my mother how massively she has hurt me and then I want to walk away. I'm willing to have a little contact for the dc sake but I don't want to be around her anymore.

If I try and talk to her she will erupt. She will make it all about her and how wicked I am to treat her like this. My father will hate me. Im hoping my brother and sister will understand.

Ive just ordered those books from amazon.

Memoo the futility of trying to get a toxic parent to hear you is so huge that I won't try to convey it.

You need to work on the following agony: accept her for who she really is. Let go of any hope whatsoever, that she might or could 'see' you for who you really are. Let go of any dream that ONE DAY she might 'hear' you. Understand and accept that you will NEVER have the loving, caring, nurturing mother you wish and dream for, and that you will have to find that resource in yourself.

I call it agony because the pain of what I have written is that. Please, please, please work on not doing this to your own children. This is the only triumph I have. That I didn't get power and revenge, by passing it on, THIS time ME being the one in charge...

I am so sorry to hear you are waiting for such a frightening diagnosis. Sending you some love and care over the MN ether.

She will make it all about her and how wicked I am to treat her like this. My father will hate me. Im hoping my brother and sister will understand.

This is exactly how my mother reacted when I finally said what I felt. My siblings did not understand.

So take care of yourself.

Glad you got the books memoo - and it seems so bizarre but yes you do have the choice to just ignore her, breathe, and collect your thoughts!

She's posted on fb to deliberately provoke you into a response which will fuel her further mistreatment of you.

Refuse to play. Refuse to panic... it will FREAK her out... enjoy the spectacle. ;-)

I've still heard nothing. If she genuinely thought she'd upset me she'd have phoned me.

What do I do next? Do I cut her put completely or just restrict my relationship with her?

I know I have to let go of the idea of having a loving, supportive mother because she doesn't exist. But I'm sad because I need my mum. I really need her to cuddle me and stroke my head but its never going to happen.

I need my mum to love me and she doesn't she actively dislikes me.

She just wrote "I'll take that as a yes then" on FB. Do I keep ignoring?

You may as well.

Why would you agree to air this stuff on FB. Dignified silence. Hold your nerve.

Be prepared for her to ramp it up. Stick to your guns.

You need a warm, caring loving person, someone who accepts you, is proud of you and wants the best for you.

That's not the person you describe in your OP.

Be that loving person to YOURSELF.

Love that wording Dittany! :)

choosing your time to respond.

I am definitely choosing my time to respond

I do need to learn to find the love and acceptance I crave within my self.

I'm so angry too. I wish I could scream at her just to let it all out.

I saw a psychiatrist for a while over pnd and the mere mention of my mother always had me sobbing my heart out. It was only then I realised how much pain she'd caused me.

Would you be interested in seeing a psychologist now to talk through these issues?

Take the higher ground. Don't respond on fb.
I have the same prob with both my parents.
It's been going on for 10 yrs now.
I recently decided to write to them.
I haven't sent it yet but putting it all on paper was so easy. I was surprised at just how easy.
My brain isn't cluttered up anymore with it
I may send it at some point.
Turn your computer off. You don't need this

Memoo, I don't know if this will help but it helped me get past being angry and stuck looking backwards at a toxic relationship.

Write a letter, write absolutely everything in it, every last thing that you want to say.

DO NOT send it.

Instead write the response from your mother yourself.

It sounds strange and I was sceptical but when I did this it was like someone shone a light on the situation and it was such a huge relief - I was finally, after tearing myself up inside for many years, able to move on.

Also, it is a good idea to completely destroy both letters after you have done this! Hope it helps, even if it just gives you a giggle at the thought of it, and best wishes for your health.

Memoo there is lots of good advice on here re. toxic mothers, which I can relate to with my own sister & mother.

Writing a letter that you never send is a good one. It clears your head.

Staying strong and calm in the face of attacks is also a great tactic - it will drive her nuts and you will feel yourself getting stronger. Can you do some yoga or walking or gentle exercise that makes you feel good when you are upset?

I saw a therapist recently as I am now in more contact with my mine due to moving, and she said to me, think of how your are with your DS, just loving and be like that to yourself. It's hard when you haven't had that love from your mother (well it is for me) but it's something to consciously do. Be kind to yourself.

Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you're going through. This toxic mother stuff is shit.

Another one here with toxic parents - both mother and father. Agree fully with others who say to ignore the messages - don't feed the narcissism, ignore it. I also agree with those who said that you should aim to let go of any hope whatsoever that this woman can change. I'm very slowly working on that myself with the aid of a terrific therapist. It's so painful, it really just kills me some days. I'm also stunned by how almost impossible it is for me to trust myself and my feelings - it makes sense, because I've always had my feelings undermined by my parents, but I cannot quite believe how deep it runs! Well done OP for being so strong and setting your own boundaries.

I love what other people have said about loving yourself, being gentle with yourself, supporting yourself emotionally - I feel guilty at the mere thought of it but I can see why it would be a great thing to do. I also try to remind myself that I do get loads of emotional support from my DP and my friends - it doesn't fill the gap left by my parents, but I try to be grateful that I do have people in my life who genuinely care about me, and that I can tell the difference between the two types.

I would recommend not bothering with telling her how you feel as she probably has a good idea about exactly how she has upset you. Instead limit contact and get some counselling to deal with having a shitty parent.

I've totally limited contact with my 'mother' - she is like a child, and I never answer her phone calls, instead I pick how I keep in contact, either card or very very rarely phone call. But it's on my terms and it means that I never have my day spoilt by suprise as I'm in charge. She hates it but has no choice! According to my brother who is a pillar of support she tells everyone who comes into contact with her I treat her terribly. I'm sure after 10mins in her company they have every understanding why !