You need to work on the following agony: accept her for who she really is. Let go of any hope whatsoever, that she might or could 'see' you for who you really are. Let go of any dream that ONE DAY she might 'hear' you. Understand and accept that you will NEVER have the loving, caring, nurturing mother you wish and dream for, and that you will have to find that resource in yourself.
Wow ..... so much of what's been written on this thread really resonnates. Particularly the comment from ABitWobbly above. You know ... I dread my mum dying .... not for the normal healthy reasons that most people would dread the thought of losing a parent but because once she's gone, that's it, there will NEVER be an opportunity for her to show some interest/empathy/support towards me, and until that time, you see, I can "at least" live in hope that she might change, or at least make an effort.
This week I am battling, truly battling with a massive ethical dilemma where my "choices" all lead to severe unhappiness/stress one way or another. The biggest emotional thing I've ever had to contemplate and I feel utterly wrteched. There's literally nothing I can do to make it better or more bearable and it's an extremely sensitive issue I can't speak to anyone else about. I tried to confide in my mother and after half an hour she told me she was going to finish the call as I was making her feel ill. She suggested she might call me in a couple of weeks but believe me this thing won't be different in two weeks - if she calls that is. There's no understanding at all .... a lot of "oh dears" .... and I don't expect her to wave a magic wand, but sometimes, you just need a sounding board, and my mother can't or won't provide that however desperate I am. I do know what she's like from bitter experience and I try not to tell her any more than I really need to because I do appreciate it's better if you can sort out your own problems, and because it's always pretty odds on that I will invariably be brushed off yet again - thus causing more hurt. I guess my mum's only ever been aware of about 10% of the various issues and problems I've had and she really doesn't know the half of it so it's NOT a case of me forever sounding off at her. However, you can't always live a lie .... when asked direct questions I sometimes just can't pretend that everything's okay. Yet the overwhelming expectation my mother seems to have of me is that I don't "bother" her with anything "unpleasant" ..... she gets irritated and angry with me if I break this unwritten "rule". To me though ...... regardless of the fact we all wish we could live in a nice little bubble where nothing ever went wrong, you'd hope to Gods' sake that your own mother would actually be interested enough in their own child to want to know what's happening - good or bad - so they could help if they possibly could. That's how I see my children, and I hope they'll never think of me as being so cold.
My mum inevitably trivialises any concerns or worries of mine. I suspect so she can then have a guilt free conscience at not being supportive/loving/concerned. After all, if something's not important (in her eyes) then why would she need to help ? I can't work out if this is laziness (but don't think so) or if she simply doesn't like me (her actions - or lack of them - certainly indicate this). Yet we've never had a big falling out, have never had an argument once I was an adult and I've never made the sort of lifestyle choices which might invoke shock horror disapproval from Daily Mail "types" (of which she is one). I don't know what it is. I look at other mother-daughter relationships and am agog at the ease and mutual feeling between them ..... that's what most people appear to have and I can't work out why I don't.
Memoo .... I really must apologise for going off on my own rant. I didn't mean to ignore you ... was trying to convey I knew exactly how you felt but got a bit carried away. I have longed to confront my own mum for years but this is truly scary as I think it would impact upon other family members I really do care about but who have different relationships with my mum and who might not be able to appreciate where I'm coming from. I don't know how old you and your mum are but in my case my mum is in her 70s (but fully with it and not infirm) so you're getting into the realms of picking on an "old lady" as other people might see it . It's very very strange because her relationship with my grandma was a close one .... they saw each other every week all their lives but I can go months without speaking to my mum. Like you I can tell my mum about something very significant and it'll then be ignored for months on end ...e.g. I left a (thankfully short lived) emotionally abusive marriage some years ago and apart from uttering the conventional condolences I never heard from my mum again until 3 or 4 months later despite the fact I lost my home and ended up (with her young grandchild) somewhere I'd never have chosen to be. I absolutely can't fathom how even if your child is an adult, a mother can listen to them in distress and then make excuses about someone at the door/lunch being ready/needing the effing toilet FFS in order to finish the call ..... and then, going off the radar for weeks afterwards. It's so soul destroying isn't it .... I'd never treat anyone, let alone my own child, like that and if I genuinely had to finish a call, I'd make sure to get back in touch asap.
I really hope your diagnosis isn't what you fear. I just don't know how your mother wouldn't want to talk to you about it. I know that talking about upsetting stuff with others can sometimes be rather difficult or traumatic, but I really do believe that if you care about someone in that sort of situation you put aside your own feelings of discomfort in order to try and bring a little support. Unfortunately you can't always literally help but just knowing someone cares goes a long way. Why wouldn't you do that for your own child ?