Please help me write email to toxic mother

[Memoo]

My mother has belittled, criticised and been emotionally unavailable all my life and it has had a huge effect on my self esteem.
I have never stood up to her. Even now I feel frightened of her and of her reactions.
After a disastrous week at her house I am bubbling with anger and resentment.

She has just sent me a message on FB (like that's an appropriate place for this) saying "have I upset you?"

I really really want and need to tell her the stuff that is bothering me but I don't want to rant, be childish or give her the opportunity to say I'm being cruel.

What do I say? The things that bother me:

1. she favours eldest dc
2. she is always criticising my parenting and she always does it right in the middle of dd's tantrums.
3. she has always been cold and emotionally unavailable and I have never felt that she like me.
4. Im hurt because I thought this week together was a chance to put things right but it just proved that nothing had changed. she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. She spent the whole week avoiding me.

On the first night there I told her that I might have MS (waiting to see neurologist for further tests) she didn't ask me how I was or even mention it for the whole week.

I need to just write a few lines to convey my upset. What do I write?

Very grateful for any help

"my Life, my Liberty, and my Pursuit of Happiness" I love that! I will make it my new motto

I will definately up a new fb account, it's a really good idea. Going to get my phone sorted tomorrow too. I already have caller id on my landline so can avoid any calls from them.

You are all bloody brilliantI! absolutely could not be doing this without you. You've really helped me see things clearly.

It's scary though. I am effectively cutting my self off from my whole family because they will all take my mothers side. Even my brother and sister will fall out with me. We rarely see each other but it's still a little sad.

Nothing to add, just that I'm thinking of you.

So many typos in my posts!

Just because the whole family sides with a bully, doesn't mean you are wrong to stand up for yourself.

You deserve YOUR life, YOUR liberty and YOUR pursuit of happiness. You really do.

I know we keep telling ourselves that it's not that bad, but it is. it really is. the forgetting the shit they have pulled has kept us alive up until now, but it no longer serves us as we've seen what is really going on.

Memoo, you are doing GREAT. Hang on in there.

You know, if they haven't got the sense to see your side then you're not losing much in them.

Someone posted this on here once, I saved it to look at occasionally -

If anyone else behaved like this to you, you would either tell them so, to give them a chance to change, or just stop seeing them, wouldn't you? Why should your parents get different treatment to everyone else? Because they loved you, nurtured you, selflessly gave years of their lives to you. Oh, no, I forgot, they didn't.

And here is a lovely bit of advice from HotDamn - Walk away. They are loons.

Also adding my support. I went no contact with my parents 7 years ago. Briefly back in touch 3 years ago but things were no better. My life gets better all the time now they're out of it.

I recognise the fear you talk of, it's awful but it will get better with time. It's tempting to want to scream at your mum and tell her all she has done to hurt you, I have done this to my mum but it didn't really help in the end. As you say, they can crush you with a few words and their responses used to hurt me so much it wasn't worth it to have them know how they'd hurt me. What was the point anyway, they didn't care that they'd hurt me and certainly wouldn't admit any fault. Interaction with them just left me feeling like a shit person

In the end I had to get the police involved as they wouldn't accept I wanted no contact, kept harassing etc.

Do not feel guilty, don't let them make you feel it's your fault, it most definitely is not!!

Your dad is just a coward who is going along with her for a quiet life himself. Best thing is to cut them off as much as possible so you don't have to listen to, and be affected by their poisonous words.

((hugs)) you're doing the right thing

"I am effectively cutting my self off from my whole family because they will all take my mothers side. Even my brother and sister will fall out with me. We rarely see each other but it's still a little sad."

Yeah, it will be sad. But on the flip side, you will no longer be dragged into arguments. I am not really in touch with my siblings except in the most polite and non-commital way. I tell them nothing about myself, i give them nothing. SO they sit and stew over past slights and imaginary issues. Its sad that I have lost many of my extended family due to their lies, but really, I grew up without them, so I really don't MISS them in my life. Except that nostalgic feeling that I should care....F. O. G.

Instead I surround myself with people I choose to be in my life - my husband, my kids, my mother-aunt, my friends.

You cannot chose your relatives. But you can chose to stop allowing them to dictate your opinion of yourself. If you stop caring what they think, and instead think of yourself in terms of "loving mother, sexy wife, brilliant and supportive friend, kind neighbour, great laugh" - whatever your other roles in life are. How does your best friend see you....

I am no longer "family scapegoat, bitch daughter, rich () sister, evil niece". Im kind and warm and smart and witty. Maybe only in my own mind, but I no longer torment myself with the opinions of people whose opinions dont count. Why should I care about the opinion of my conniving sibling, who tells so many lies her nickname is Jackanory? WHy should I care about my mothers opinions of me when she is just a narcissist and unable to see past her own monstrous ego?

OP, you can detach, with quiet dignity. Walk away, and leave them to it. Focus on what really matters, whats really important.

'When she had behaved particularly cruelly and someone called her on it (my aunt did once) she would never apologise. I would just walk into my bedroom and find a £10 on my bed...'

God Badvoc, that just makes me so sad. My mother also uses money and other material treats in place of real emotional caring, like listening, making time for people and allowing them space to share their feelings. To me, it shows that deep down she does sort of care, but is just unable to put anyone else's feeling first to the extent that she would spare them some time. It's really pathetic and really sad

Relate do family counselling if that is an option. I agree Op parents are a bloody nightmare. I just wonder if this is going to drag on and make op even more unhappy if she loses contact with her siblings etc over this. Counselling with a trained mediator might help with communication in a safe way so op can say what she wants to say. I have spent years bottling up my feelings and it is not an easy path.

Memoo thank you so much for this thread, it is so helpful and you are doing so well.

My mum sounds just like all the others here it is amazing to find that I'm not alone.
I went no contact 6 years ago when she threatened my DC, it only happened once and even though I never found the strength and courage to protect myself, I did it straight away for my DC. I love them so much. It hurts still, that she has never loved me like that. I still have her voice in my head calling me a selfish, evil bitch. Who says that to a child?
Anyway been feeling v wobbly recently and been thinking about getting in touch again as she must have changed by now... Right?? I know logically she won't have but I miss the hope of a real mum one day.
Anyway, sending you hugs. Stay strong x

Poppy - no, se won't have changed protect yourself and your children. Let go of the hope that she will have a revelation and become the mum you deserve, toxic parents aren't capable of this xx

Just wanted to send strength for both the toxic mother and the potential MS and offering my help with either/both.
Starting with the MS I was diagnosed early this year and have managed so far to sme to terms with the fact that it is not the terrifying thing that I thought it was. There are some very kind people on here with MS so feel free to ask anything.

As for the toxic mother I have me that has been abusive/controlling for my whole life and am currently enjoying a respite from it as she is currently not talking to me. She has mental health problems but this most recent blowup has been because I asked her not to talk about death/murder/burglary to my seven year old daughter. Cue lots of abusive texts and phone calls and this time I have decided enough is enough. I am not saying it is forever, largely because then I would have to deal with the emotional fallout of that, but I am happy to be out of her life until I feel stronger to deal with her and that might be never.

Its very very sad. I have a better relationship with my MIL than I do with my own mother...thats just wrong isnt it??

Its made me too far the other way I think!!! With my 2 sons I am uber affectionate..I am always hugging and kissing them and telling them I love them and how proud I am of them...ds1 is 9 now so will be getting fed up fo it pretty soon!

memoo It is sad but I have been so much happier since I stopped being so involved. I live in the same village as my parents and siblings and I do see them but on my terms which has made my life so much easier I cant tell you!!!

If they ring and I dont want to talk I dont. If they come round (very rare) I am polite but they dont stop long.

I dont do FB for the reasons I have said...its just another tool that bullies use and I hate it.

My bro and sis socialise together/see each other much more often than they see me BUT my mum didnt treat them like she treated and tbh they dont know the half of it

You will probably always be sad memoo as you are grieving for a relationship that should be easy and natural, but has never existed and will never exist. I am very sorry that your father enables your mothers behaviour, but tbh he is probably as much a victim as you are in a way.

You can do it. You have to do it.

We shall all be the better for this. I liked the term ex-parents, there is no law that says you have to endure abuse from parents just because that term has been given to them, not earned.
My mother loves to throw around her own behaviour to illustrate my own failings. for instance "you throw money at your daughter"
A peculiarity of her own making in actual fact, but if it makes her feel better, carry on.
Stuff is much easier to hand over than an actual feeling.

some great posts here guys

My MIL died last week and I haven't bothered to tell my parents (both narcs) because they won't have anything kind to say.

I can't go "no contact" (would love to but have my reasons why it would be difficult) but through many years of counselling in various forms I have grown stronger and I now keep them at arms length - I have no interest whatsoever in their lives.

My sadness is that I won't ever know what a loving mother is and it feels alien to me when friends talk about their mothers in an affectionate loving way - I want to have that feeling too but I know I'll never understand. I try to be the best mother I can to my own children but I worry myself constantly that they might end up feeling about me the way I do about my own parents

Memoo now is the time to get some books on narcissism.

It is very hard work to understand and accept that you are a psychological orphan.
Then learn to accept them for who they really are, and forgive them.
Then believe that they do love you in their own limited way, and find empathy and compassion for them.
THIS requires a very strong sense of self and is the culmination of a lot of years of hard work - where you know who you are, and there words have as much impact as if they came from the Tescos lady in the supermarket.

This is all a journey. Just know that you are now 'changing the steps of the dance' and so THE WHOLE family will escalate and put huge pressure on you, to try and 'get you back in line'.
Stay calm, have faith, believe in yourself and no NOT retaliate/attempt to explain/get them to 'see' you.

Just stay in your own space. Good luck, this all hurts so much.

"My sadness is that I won't ever know what a loving mother is..."

Over the last two years, I have become very close to my aunt, so much so that I now think of her as a mother. I dont think we ever lose the need for a mother figure, but they dont have to be the one that birthed us. My aunt is adorable, funny, warm, caring....all the things you want in a mum. Its just taken me years to deprogramme myself from what my mother has told me about her.

Is compassion and understanding wasted on those who wouldn't know it from a hole in the ground? That is my angry child talking there ABWN. I have wasted unconditional love on her for so long, she is incapable of empathy.

I told her she was not very empathic once. She thought I had meant it as a compliment. For her to be always in a state of uber sarcastic piteous disregard for human beings is to be the winner.

Write 2 letters .

One to the toxics , put in everything they've done that you need to ...then burn it and imagine all the toxic ness going up in smoke as you do .

Write the second letter to yourself . List all the nice things about yourself , all your achievements and how you make other people lives better for just being around. Keep this one . Read it to yourself when the toxic stuff/ people get to you .

Repeat after me " I am the ultimate in fabulousness , and deserve nice people to care for me , and good things to happen to me " . Repeat until you start to believe it . Because you do xxx

" my sadness is that I won't ever know what a loving mother is "

But that statement is wrong . You do know , because you are a loving mother .
So surely , you should rephrase .

Perhaps " my happiness is that I am a loving mother / kind person " ? .

Turn the negative thoughts on their head and look at stuff differently because it works .

I have shit parents ....seriously toxic waste shit parents .
My childhood was hell.

But , because of their toxicity I learned empathy and so had learned something neither of my parents had the ability to learn themselves. I am a better person than they are . I am a better parent than they are . I am kinder than them , and whilst I can stand alone and withstand a lot , my parents are cowardly and cling to their victims ( my siblings) in an oddly co-dependent cycle of abuse. Particularly strange is both of them shy away from anything other than superficial social interaction with people outside the "family" ( mainly to show off to others , boasting about what they have , trying to compete with neighbours or colegues ) .Whilst I have many real friends , who would quite gladly run round with chicken soup if I have the flu ect .

It's pointed out in big red flags that the toxic shit they try on us is just a desperate attempt to drag someone vunerable down so they can feel superior to someone I their sad little deranged lives . Get your head around the fact that they are just bullies ,and should be treated as such.

No sane person would attempt to bully a small vunerable child who couldn't realistically fight back ( emotionally or physically ) , but there comes a day when we all will stand up and say enough is enough . No longer children , we take back ourselves from the abuse and tell them this stops now ! .
Then they try to up the stakes . But you will realise they can only do what you allow .

If the toxics , spread lies ...then tell the truths.
If they gets nasty ....then tell them they are nasty and stop acting like a spoilt brat .
If they get verbally abusive ..then say " that's your opinion , but my friends , my dh/dw/dc strongly disagree with that , they love me ...it's your problem you don't , not mine. ..or better still don't listen

If it gets too much you always have the power to walk away and have no contact with them.

Remember YOU have the power , no one else .

thanks Droves - a really good post - it has certainly given me food for thought

Thank you Droves

Hey Memoo,
I saw your thread when you were staying with your Mum a couple of weeks ago.

I only have one word.

Disengage.

Your mum will never be the person you want her to be. You need to grieve for this, but protect yourself.