Please help me write email to toxic mother

[Memoo]

My mother has belittled, criticised and been emotionally unavailable all my life and it has had a huge effect on my self esteem.
I have never stood up to her. Even now I feel frightened of her and of her reactions.
After a disastrous week at her house I am bubbling with anger and resentment.

She has just sent me a message on FB (like that's an appropriate place for this) saying "have I upset you?"

I really really want and need to tell her the stuff that is bothering me but I don't want to rant, be childish or give her the opportunity to say I'm being cruel.

What do I say? The things that bother me:

1. she favours eldest dc
2. she is always criticising my parenting and she always does it right in the middle of dd's tantrums.
3. she has always been cold and emotionally unavailable and I have never felt that she like me.
4. Im hurt because I thought this week together was a chance to put things right but it just proved that nothing had changed. she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. She spent the whole week avoiding me.

On the first night there I told her that I might have MS (waiting to see neurologist for further tests) she didn't ask me how I was or even mention it for the whole week.

I need to just write a few lines to convey my upset. What do I write?

Very grateful for any help

Good luck Memoo

I think you should a) unfriend your mother on FB and b) not be too sure that she hasn't hijacked your father's account. I'm not defending his complicity but it sounds like the kind of thing she'd do.

It goes both ways Memoo. i feel horrible about what I am doing and its not something many people find themselves having to get into. Add to which the awful sense of being an ungrateful little sod who is horrid to their parents. Shame creates its own silence and you feel guilty enough to think that you should just get on with it in the dark. Not that easy. I am finding all the help here so supportive. It is keeping me focused when my spirit is weak and reminds me how and why I have come to this point. I have been pushed here.

Thank you for this thread Memoo. Would love to be able to help but I'm confused in a similar way that you are, so mostly listening to others here and finding it very useful...

Depression and anxiety are common symptoms of having grown up with dysfunctional/self-absorbed/absent/abusive parents.

Little children who grow up with a cocktail chaos, neglect and contempt instead of dependable and nurturing care understandably develop fear, mistrust and self-doubt. At a time when they should normally be developing the view that they are OK people in a fairly safe and trustworthy world....

It sucks, but we can do the work ourselves that our inadequate parents fucked up.

Such a helpful thread. It's really sad that there are so many of us who have dysfunctional parents but it helps so much to talk to people who have been through similar experiences.

I totally agree with hattifattner about choosing to be happy and choosing to spend your time with people who make you feel good. I'm slowly getting my head around how healthy this is. I still often have outbreaks of the FOG where I feel deep down that it's 'selfish' to exclude people who drag me down, after all they've done so much for me etc etc etc. But I'm realising that my happiness is the most important thing in my life - without that nothing else in my life is any good. Self-sacrifice has its place but shouldn't be a lifestyle choice!

I've just had the shitest text from my dad saying I am cruel and how can I do this to my mum.

I'm really really upset. Have had to hide in the bathroom to compose myself.

I also feel really scared of them for some reason. They have the ability to crush me with just a few words.

Oh love. I am so sorry. This WILL happen, it will escalate.

You know that BECAUSE OF THIS ESCALATION you have to follow your instinct, and follow through with your journey out of their control.

Can you please change your sim card? ASAP?

When you have composed yourself a little. Try to think about what you are feeling and why.

ASK yourself if it is reasonable for a grown woman to be hiding in your own bathroom because of a TEXT. From your supposed Dad.

It's not reasonable is it? it's BONKERS. Hold onto that, know that it's not right and let it take you through the next few days, weeks and so on.

I'll try and change my sim. Not sure as on a contract but will ask dh later.

Call the network, tell them you have got abusive texts and need to change numbers. They may even be able to put a temp block on your dad's number.

Failing that, just take the sim card out and go phone less for the weekend and sort it next week. You don't need this.

If you can take anything out of this. At least you now know where your dad fits in to this.

His account wasn't hacked by your mum.
He DID 'like' her comments
He KNOWS what she is saying to you and he is backing her up.

I'm so sorry that you have to endure this, but when the pain passes, you will gain some clarity.

It will make things easier in the long run.

Hello, OP

My God, this sounds dreadful and my heart goes out to you, as my Mum also had narcissistic tendencies and I recognise a large proportion of what you are going through.

Ironically, now that she is declining fast with dementia she's a much nicer person. How odd is that?

Do you think, though, you should consider writing them a letter (or an email) as your original post suggests? A sort of "goodbye" if you like, but I wonder if your parents need some sort of closure from you; not that they're likely to think, "oh blimey what have we done" and start being nice to you again, that's not going to happen.

And yes I DO understand that they won't accept what you tell them but perhaps it's time for you to close things down and a letter is surely the best way to do that?

I hope I'm not out of line and apologise if I've offended you.

I'm so sorry you're hurting MeMoo. I completely understand your feeling of being scared of them - remember the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - this is your Fear kicking in! I would continue to ignore them. And I hope you know, very deep down, how seriously wrong and abnormal their behaviour is. You don't have to accept this and you don't have to do what they expect you to do.

I'd send a text that says "For my own well being, I need to focus on my own family for a while. I will therefore be out of contact for some time. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me again."

Send the same text every time they contact you.

Block from facebook.

And focus on your own family!

Hi Memoo,

What a horrible situation to be in.

And from what you have said, a really complex one.

Unfortunately I have some experience of this kind of family dynamic and can vouch for the great advice you are getting from posters as ultimately, your goal needs to be to disengage.

I know this may seem unimaginable at the moment but it really has to be your goal, because your mum and dad are so caught up in this toxic dance they will not, you could argue after all these years, cannot, behave any other way.

I am not excusing your dad, but it sounds as though he is putting pressure on you to "comply" to keep this sorry charade going.

He is choosing himself over you in the face of your mum's totally unreasonable behaviour.

You can't win, you really can't ... they are not going to wake up one morning and start being reasonable.

They are damaged.

The question is, how much longer will you permit them to damage you?

Sending you some un-MNy hugs

Thanks for hugs :)

I am so stunned at how they are behaving. It is bonkers that I was hiding in the bathroom. My parents definitely should not be causing me that much upset.
I do keep thinking of FOG. I will get past this fear though. Although I'm upset I can feel that spark of strength deep down.

Lapas, I am not offended, not at all. I appreciate every reply and point of view. Maybe in time I will right them a letter but at the moment I feel too emotional and really really angry with them.

The level of anger I feel towards them is really rather surprising to me. I'm not an aggressive person at all but I feel like I could scream at them for a long time.

I was just thinking that if dh treated me the way they do I would divorce him. That says it all really, just because they're my parents doesn't mean I should put up with their crap.

Sorry for typos. Very twitchy hands!

Memoo I think anger is quite a healthy thing for you to feel right now and a sign that you will be able to break free and be your own woman. Take the anger and use it as a shield and a weapon. Let it tell you deserve better than this. Start believing it.

((((hug))))

Have you got a photo of them you could scream at? Or just imagine them sat on your sofa, and say everything you'd like. If you can do it, it helps. Although the first time I tried imagining my parents sat on my sofa I had to run and hide under my duvet ... till I remembered that (a) I was a grownup and (b) they were only there in my imagination! I've written lots of letters to them too (never sent them, wrote them for my benefit).

I think the need to hide is because, when we have interaction with our parents, we regress back to childhood, and react to them the way we would have when we were five. One counsellor told me, that when I feel myself doing that, I should look down at my shoes and remember where I bought them - just kind of ground myself in the now, in normality, in adulthood.

I think Hatti's message sounds good. A brief, not-making-an-issue, not-blaming-anybody, not-picking-a-fight, nothing-interesting-happening message. And then you can ignore them.

I started out where you are, wanting to tell my ex-parents how much they hurt me. But I couldn't face the fallout so we went no-contact - told them we needed space for a bit and wouldn't be in touch for a while. They dropped me like a hot brick, no attempt to keep hold of me at all (which, although a relief, was hurtful in another way!). And after a while I realised that they don't matter to me. I no longer feel like I need to tell them what they did to me. They are just not important enough for that.

OP Please get off FB...its a powerful tool for the cruel and bitter to use against their victims IMHO. I cant think of anything worse than being of FB and my family having access to my account!!!

Change your mobile number...its easy to do...only give it to those you trust not to pass it on.

I am very sorry that your mother (and father) treat you like this.

I am 40 this year and its only in the past few years I have stepped back from my mother and accepted we will never have a normal mother-daughter relationship. Sad, yes, but I dont try and alter the unalterable anymore.

I am the eldest daughter of an Irish catholic woman who has had MH issues since I was a young child. I have nursed her through 2 breakdowns (one when I was in my teens) and this is the woman who told me that - when I was in a really bad way after the birth of very poorly ds1 - "you havent got time to be depressed". sigh.

She is unbelievable. Truly. She is so dismissive of others pain, its awful.

She wont change. Your parents wont change. The only variable that can change is you and your behaviour. So change.

Good luck x

oh and {hugs} from me too!

...do you know...I simply cannot recall my mother ever kissing me, hugging me or showing any love/affection at all

On my wedding day she didnt even tell me I looked nice and spent most of the day moaning how uncomfortable her shoes were and how tired she was.

When she had behaved particularly cruelly and someone called her on it (my aunt did once) she would never apologise. I would just walk into my bedroom and find a £10 on my bed...

That made it all better

Block them on FB, and anyone else who buys into their twisted reality.

There must be a way to block their numbers on your phone too. Until you find out how to do it - Google is your friend there - take the sim out. If dh is likely to want to contact you before he gets home, send him a text or call him telling him you are taking your sim out, or at least turning your phone off so he doesn't worry.

Memoo, when people get that "lightbulb" moment, as you're experiencing right now, it isn't a gentle light, it's a bloody big megawatt search light. It shows in stark reality what your parents are really like. Your mother isn't hurting or distressed at all - if she were, she wouldn't have been able to write those carefully crafted FB messages.

It's not in the least bit surprising that you're now feeling all those emotions - all of a sudden, all those emotions that you've probably been squashing "to keep the peace" have been let loose.

You have the right to cut your parents out of your life. In some USA states, if an older teen wishes to achieve independence earlier than 21 years old, she can apply to the court for an order of emancipation.

Don't write to your mother. Instead write your own Declaration of Independence, starting with: "my Life, my Liberty, and my Pursuit of Happiness".

It isn't an easy road you're now walking on, as anyone who's ever posted on the Stately Homes threads will tell you, but you're now on the right road, even if it's painful to walk that road for a while.

Can you set up a NEW FB page?, invite your most trusted friends, set privacy to SKY high, and ask them to make sure that they don't tag you in anything, just in case it's seen by a friend of a friend etc

then log out of the old FB account and leave them to it.

Also change the mobile number. Jux's idea was a good one, tell your H what you are doing in case he needs you for any reason, but otherwise go OFF radar to everyone but the most trusted of friends you have.

They are accelerating, sadly so must you.

Just adding my support. They sound awful, and sadly there are way too many similar people about.
Family are always sitting targets for them it seems.
Stay strong, you're doing really well.