Please help me write email to toxic mother

[Memoo]

My mother has belittled, criticised and been emotionally unavailable all my life and it has had a huge effect on my self esteem.
I have never stood up to her. Even now I feel frightened of her and of her reactions.
After a disastrous week at her house I am bubbling with anger and resentment.

She has just sent me a message on FB (like that's an appropriate place for this) saying "have I upset you?"

I really really want and need to tell her the stuff that is bothering me but I don't want to rant, be childish or give her the opportunity to say I'm being cruel.

What do I say? The things that bother me:

1. she favours eldest dc
2. she is always criticising my parenting and she always does it right in the middle of dd's tantrums.
3. she has always been cold and emotionally unavailable and I have never felt that she like me.
4. Im hurt because I thought this week together was a chance to put things right but it just proved that nothing had changed. she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. She spent the whole week avoiding me.

On the first night there I told her that I might have MS (waiting to see neurologist for further tests) she didn't ask me how I was or even mention it for the whole week.

I need to just write a few lines to convey my upset. What do I write?

Very grateful for any help

Oh god Memoo, the 'like ' bit is so horrific it's almost funny....

You are not the weak link in your family, you are the strong one.. that's why they all have to work so hard to oppress you.

See this through, you've lost enough time to their evil already.

Be brave, we'll be right here, whenever you need us.

RA88 that is a completely futile thing to do, it is totally pointless to try and 'reach' a narcissist.

Doesn't stop me putting my hand in the mincer with my H though.... I am THE biggest mug on this forum over this.

OP we know how much you hurt, guilt, long and hope for and think you can fix. We really do know how HARD it is to let go.

This thread has really opened my eyes, i don't feel the odd one out anymore. There are others like me!

Thank you.

Things might get a little weird, but never lose sight of what they are, what they did, and what they will do.

As posted before, don't reply to her. Ignoring her is by far the better way to deal with this. She wants to be the center of your world and she is controlling you and guilt tripping you to come running back to her.

By not responding you are not giving her the attention she is craving. I'd prepare for a meltdown from her though!

Oh hello: toxic mothers.

I just wanted to echo what others are saying-you will never ever get the emotional support and love you crave from someone like this. What is so bloody awful about this is that the "someone like this" is your mother.

I spent years trying to get my mother to love me like I needed her to, all totally futile.

Read the recommended books. I did, they help.

I was chilled by your mother's last fb comment-she is upping the ante and will lose control if she feels she can't control you anymore. Prepare for more spite.

I was in my 40s before I started understanding "DM", and MN helped me too, oh so much. Now that I have worked/am working towards acceptance of her as a useless mother because she is a narcissist, I have naturally detached somehow, and the emotional distance I think I give off has actually improved our relationship, funnily enough. It will never improve the way my inner child, or whoever, might have wanted it to once, but now I am not wracked with guilt eg if I fail to ring her.

As a matter of fact, I nearly fell off the bed a couple of weeks ago-my mother rang me-something she would never have done previously, to "see how you all are". It struck me then that I hadn't actually called her for about 2 weeks (oops!), and I hadn't given it another thought!

One day, this will be you

I'm guessing RA88 might be me? Don't know where that comes from.

I did read the thread.

No bugster, Hissy was referring to a poster just before you.

Right ok it was the name of the poster, I didn't see! I thought it was some technical mumsnet site thing I wasn't clued up on.

Is one of the common threads being at a certain age? I am in my 40's and just getting to grips with this.

I can distinctly remember the last time my mother held me. I was about 4, we were at a friends house and I climbed into her lap. She was chatting with a friend and just held me. I think I fell asleep but the smell of her and the feeling are still intense but there has not been anything since. She is very akwards with closeness unless you are under the age of 5. Loves the babies. Not keen when we talk back.

There can be lots of triggers to realisation at any age, I think, lola.

For a lot of women it's when they have kids or their own, and the comparison between the treatment they feel their DC deserve and the way they themselves were treated in childhood suddenly jumps into focus.

Someone else here said that a relative only came out of their denial at 85.

The only rule is that people can only come to terms with this stuff at their own pace.

YY HotDAMN, having my children was the main trigger for me-amazing to me really, the revelation in my head. One day you've got this certain view of why your mother is like she is and then, for me, I had a baby and I thought..."hang on...there's slightly more to our relationship than i thought!"

For me, it's been about really trying to blame myself less. My mother did a number on me from a young age, as they all seem to do, and it's hard to forget that 13 yr old girl with zero self esteem sometimes.

HotDamn: thanks for that!

There is one of those French classics: and the novel was about a serial philanderer who won't stop.

His comment on the wife: she was one for whom hope is a terminal illness.

Anyone who deals with ANY narcissist, knows that struggle.

Lucky, its hug-a-bugster day today!

(((((bugster)))))

:)

Mad busy today with 3 dc but have read all your replies and I'm taking on board everything everyone has said. Will re

I love my girls so much it feels immense. How did my mother not feel that? How does such love get so twisted? Feeling this unconditional love (both directions) was an eye opener.

Mad busy today with 3 dc but have read all your replies and I'm taking on board everything everyone has said. Will reply better later when dc are asleep.

Going through a huge range of emotions today anger, sadness, guilt. Anger is the main one though. So much anger I want to pick up the phone and swear at her.

Couldn't do this without you guys.

Memoo, you maybe are not ready to defriend your parents on fb yet, but you can delete their comments. Don't leave them there on your wall pouring scorn at you.

Lola, that's exactly how I feel. Being a mum yourself let's you see how it should be and makes it even more confusing.

Just keep ignoring. She must be seething with rage at being ignored in her passive aggressive attempts at rattling you.

You are doing grand.

i have a theory that our NARC mothers are similar ages, and post war babies. They were raised in an era when babies were precious reminders that life goes on after all the dreadful times people had in the war. My mother was spoiled rotten by all the aunties and uncles, she was a late baby, born when my granny was in her late 30s/early 40s, and was given everything they could because they were celebrating the end of a war and a new life - and who could not shower a baby with affection in these circumstances? All she ever had to think about was herself, and other people were there to do her bidding or to criticise so that she had more attention.

Her patterns of relationships have followed a classic NARC pattern - I am the scapegoat, previously it was my younger brother, she has a golden child who can do no wrong (and is a lying, conniving, manipulative woman to boot), and she detests me - and my family - for a) calling her on her bad behaviour and b) cutting her off.

I am learning, also in my 40s, that :
o I should only care about people whose opinion matters to me.

o I should only make people a priority if I am a priority to them. If they want to treat me as a duty or an option, then I will treat them the same.

o I can choose to surround myself with people I love and people who love me in return. These things make me happy. Or I can choose to listen to those lies and negative statements, the criticism (direct and implied) and the guilt talk. Which all make me miserable and angry and resentful.

By far the biggest catalyst for change for me has been the blossoming friendship between myself and my much maligned aunt, her elder sister, and finding an unconditional, hilarious, open, warm, mutually enjoyable love relationship with her has allowed me to realise what I have been missing. Im only sad that I listened to my mother badmouth her sister for years.

Going through a huge range of emotions today anger, sadness, guilt.

Makes sense. Have you heard of the FOG in your time on MN, Memoo? Fear, Obligation and Guilt: it's what dysfunctional parents train us to feel so that they can manipulate us. Your guilt is the expression of this training.

Your anger and grief, though, are signs that the healthier you is emerging.

In order to get out of the FOG, you need to pass through anger and grief, to ultimately reach acceptance. Anger and grief are good things, in a way: the anger helps you place responsibility where it belongs. You've been turning anger inwards for a very very long time, probably (stems from not being able to accept that your God-like parents' neglect and contempt for you was their own fucked-up problem, when you are a small child who depends on them for everything, and subconsciously deciding instead that you must be to blame for their treatment of you, in order to make sense of things). It's time to direct that anger outwards. Best to do it in journals, therapy, and letter never sent, though! Anger is destructive, and yours needs to come out so it stops hurting you. There are plenty of ways to make sure it hurts no-one else on its way out, though.

Grief: there is a lot to mourn. The parents that that lovely little girl deserved to have.

It's agony, as wobbly said so well upthread. But once you go through it, it will be behind you, and you will be a whole new person, with the capacity to deal with anything your parents throw at you in a way that respects your integrity.

You have some excellent and highly experienced support here Memoo... you aren't in this alone.

I'll be back later. XX

I haven't heard of FOG before but it makes perfect sense. I AM fearful. I have been fearful my whole life. It's no wonder that I now suffer with dreadful, debilitating anxiety.

I have a really strong memory from when I was about 6 or 7. I can remember feeling really happy because my mum was in a good mood and being nice.

I really really appreciate the support you are all giving me.