Please help me write email to toxic mother

[Memoo]

My mother has belittled, criticised and been emotionally unavailable all my life and it has had a huge effect on my self esteem.
I have never stood up to her. Even now I feel frightened of her and of her reactions.
After a disastrous week at her house I am bubbling with anger and resentment.

She has just sent me a message on FB (like that's an appropriate place for this) saying "have I upset you?"

I really really want and need to tell her the stuff that is bothering me but I don't want to rant, be childish or give her the opportunity to say I'm being cruel.

What do I say? The things that bother me:

1. she favours eldest dc
2. she is always criticising my parenting and she always does it right in the middle of dd's tantrums.
3. she has always been cold and emotionally unavailable and I have never felt that she like me.
4. Im hurt because I thought this week together was a chance to put things right but it just proved that nothing had changed. she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. She spent the whole week avoiding me.

On the first night there I told her that I might have MS (waiting to see neurologist for further tests) she didn't ask me how I was or even mention it for the whole week.

I need to just write a few lines to convey my upset. What do I write?

Very grateful for any help

hi memo we have talked beofre when i was bythepowerofgreyskull.
i have learned through 3 years of therapy is that i set my mum up to fail.

she is incapapble of loving me the way i need. there is no point in tackling her about her behaviour. I am not making excuses for her, but there is a difference between the excuse and the reason. shewould have been a rubbish parent no matter who had come out of her vagina... it is NOTHING to do with me.

The only thing that is good for you is to focus on you, you and your famlily unit. you are a lovely mum, nothing else matters.

please feel the confidence to move pass her failings and accept the relatiosnship uou have,, no matter how shit... that ut how it is, move on and focus on the positives in your life.

am a bit tipsy, but that doesn
t mean i dont think that what i have said is incorrect. good luck lovely and remember your arre amazing!!

hi memo we have talked beofre when i was bythepowerofgreyskull.
i have learned through 3 years of therapy is that i set my mum up to fail.

she is incapapble of loving me the way i need. there is no point in tackling her about her behaviour. I am not making excuses for her, but there is a difference between the excuse and the reason. shewould have been a rubbish parent no matter who had come out of her vagina... it is NOTHING to do with me.

The only thing that is good for you is to focus on you, you and your famlily unit. you are a lovely mum, nothing else matters.

please feel the confidence to move pass her failings and accept the relatiosnship uou have,, no matter how shit... that ut how it is, move on and focus on the positives in your life.

am a bit tipsy, but that doesn
t mean i dont think that what i have said is incorrect. good luck lovely and remember your arre amazing!!

+1 to Greyskulls.

These toxic parents have a different Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to the rest of us I think. I've been reading more about EQ (peceiving/receiving/understanding/managing emotions) and our experiences in life often shapes our EQ. There are a number of tests for EQ and I often wondered where my toxic parents would score.

We need to reset our expectations from these toxic family members. If these toxic parents were just regular people who you came across - would you choose to be friends with them? I would think no for many of yout.

If they don't have the attributes of being a worthy and decent 'friend', then they would hardly pass the next level of expectations of being decent family member would they?

We need to look beyond blood & family name ties and engage actively with people who really do care for us. And disengage with those that do not.

I've had a strained relationship with my mother for a few years until it turned bad two years ago.
It started going bad when we were losing our pets. Anger and frustration would be taken out on me, no one else to aim at. So I'd get it. Verbal, then physical.
I was only living temporary back at my parents, so staying there made it easier.
When our last pet died and she was 21, it was a hard time, and again my mother wanted to unleash her anger, and I got it. It was not a good time for anyone.
I then left the UK to return to a country I moved to years earlier.
We communicated, and I then came back to the UK.
Trying then to get my life in order.
A few years later my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and six months later was gone. When he was given his diagnosis, my mother again vented her anger at me, and I got it big time.
The anger always presented itself at moments when she couldn't cope, and having no-one else to give it too, I got it as she knew I'd respond.
Only about 3 weeks after my dad died, I noticed my mother was getting distressing phone calls, they were constant and malicious. The exchange with the caller was horrendous. I noticed this when the calls came through, and was not impressed she was being terrorised by them. The caller was known and my mother hated this person having worked with this person many many years earlier. How this person got the number is a mystery, as I cannot see it would have been offered. The number was blocked, but still got through. The calls had been occurring even before my dad had died. Trying to cover this up was failing.
I was not impressed, and with emotions being charged and having my mother subjected to this, I exploded. I found out who the caller was, having turned myself into columbo and I reported it to the police along with the name and number. Case closed, not quite.
The police came along to have a chat with my mother, and my mother lied to them to cover it up. The police instructed my mother to change the locks and kick me out.
I had to sleep in my car for a few days until I could get my belongings.
What hacked me off was the circumstances. Why would my mother want to protect someone she hated. Sometime later with my mother's sister, she was told that I did what I did to protect her, which she acknowledged. Too late then. Damage done. The only form of any family connection destroyed by someone terrorising my mother. Our relationship was not great at times, but I could not accept what was happening when it was, and for as long as it was. I wish I had found out earlier that it was the police who instructed I be removed from the house. I'd have kicked off again at them with the PCC. I lost my job then as I had nowhere to live due to the sudden action taken. Trying to do a job was not happening. Focus was gone. I then felt I had no other option but to sell my car and leave the UK again.
It's almost 2 years now with no contact. No problem at all with that. I made it clear when me and my mother had our 'very' verbal exchange having just had another phone call how I felt, and what I was going to do. Leave, and that our relationship was then over with.
Leaving the UK under these conditions whether good, bad or otherwise is irrelevant.
My mother cannot cope when her anger takes over. Just a few short days after losing her husband, malicious phone calls are noticed from a person who she hated, forced my mother to then lose her only close family left, her only son!

Neil, do you want to start a new thread? The one you are on is over 7 years old.