Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

maybe am just detaching from a lot of things, and family?

Perhaps getup. What I'm realising is that I get panicky when I'm not happy - I start thinking of ways to change my mood and to perk myself up. Which isn't a bad thing in some senses but I think partly the reason I do it is because I wasn't allowed to be unhappy at home - I always had to put on a happy face and I wasn't listened to if I talked about anything negative. So tonight instead of pretending I was fine I told DH that I wasn't fine, that I'm feeling homesick for some bizarre reason and that I don't feel like where we live is home. He didn't tell me I shouldn't feel that way or that I was silly, he just listened, and talked about how he feels (which is actually quite similar). And now I feel better.

I'm trying to teach myself that it's ok to be moody and down sometimes. That I can whinge now and again, I don't have to be upbeat and great all the time, and that I do feel down and restless etc I don't have to panic, I can just feel that way, ride it out, talk about it maybe, and eventually I'll feel ok again.

just reading that Cailin has helped me, as I ALWAYS feel pressure to be happy/upbeat. And need reminding that it is OK to not feel like this so often

Your DH sounds like a soulmate to you, that is rare to find

Please don't give up your counselling yet it is a long journey not a quick fix ever I thought I was ok and just 2 months on I'm back hitting the wall worse than ever.

DH is, indeed, great. He can be rubbish at housework at times but he massively makes up for that in other ways :)

Where does the pressure you feel to be happy come from getup - your parents?

i reckon it's the mother, and I do sound like I do a lot of mother bashing on here, but really, she is weird

i always had the oh dont be so dull, dont be this, dont be that, why dont you go and talk to so and so, oh speak up, dont slouch, are you eating again

you get the picture

so perhaps, yes, I am just a little bit over the whole trying so hard to be a perfect person, as it doesnt even exist anyhow

My DH doesnt generally notice housework too much, but his time is spent with DCs loads this weekend to let me get long naps, and listened to a lot of my waffle earlier, said we should give this place another year, it would be too much stress upheaval to just go again

we are both big travellers, love new countries, love being expats that sort of thing, even though I'm shy, I didnt find myself so much like that in different countries, felt alive iyswim

this painting is a misery, but will keep trying, a little bit better each day, so they say

oh dotty, hug

do you think therapy is really the answer? as I'm doubting it - again

With my mother I always feel like she's waiting for things to go wrong so she can say "See, I knew it wouldn't be good, I knew it wouldn't work out," so I always felt I had to be upbeat about everything so couldn't make me feel like I'd made a bad choice. Also, her advice is always extreme - it's as if you can't be negative about anything without having to change it completely, if that makes sense - so when I said DH and I were having problems a few years ago she said "So do you want to divorce him?" (something I hadn't even alluded to, it wasn't nearly that bad) and of course I said no, and she basically said "Well, you just have to put up with it then." As if there was no way of resolving anything through talking or progress, if it was bad you had to get rid of it or do nothing. I'm really trying not to let her attitude infect my thinking. Granted, I'm not entirely happy where I live but it's not the end of the world, I don't have to drop everything and move, I can just give it time, try to make some small changes, and see what happens.

i notice how you say you wont let her 'infect your thinking' Cailin

I could have said all that aswell. Even though I'm closer to family my therapy has gone better for me being back home but my mother is a long way away.

I too always feel that I won't be accepted if I'm not perfect which is the best way to failure. Instead I have to make the best of my best stuff, forgive the middly stuff and try and ignore work through the worst stuff.

I agree with Dotty re councelling, keep at it, I had a stage I didn't want to go but did and it has really helped.

i think too, there are some women of a certain generation who are so fearful of change, so for many years they must have just gone along with a miserable life/attitude towards life and their kids

rather than think about change

The amount of times my mother turned to me and said you'll end up having a brteakdown was unreal she assumed it was because of the pressure of caring/dealing with DS it was battling my inner demons she doesn't know how fecking close I came my sister illuded to it but she never took the hint.

olympic, just feel i have run out of stuff to talk about with therapist

plus at what point does it just become a sort of bitchfest against my mother, for which i just feel guilty about all over again, slagging her off so much, when she must have done her best for us

although in a really really screwed up way

oh dotty, same here, they were good at saying oh youre just depressed, or oh your 'nerves' must be bad...but never helped, just pointed it out. how weird is that

Another thing she's good at is pointing out how PND didn't exist in her day they just got on with it so I pointed out well yes it did but they where either labelled crap mothers or abandoned their children as there was no help. I've only in the last year discovered the reason I had such severe PND after DD1 was because of being raped as a child.

all very well her saying that now dotty, bloody no good help to you now is it

making excuses for themselves I feel, mine said the opposite tho, when I told her about antiD's, she said to my brother that she was much worse than I am atm

?? just bizarre.

loved how she told my brother about my meds, before i even told him, or had decided if i would even tell anyone at all!

Getup ?? Saying what? not actually spoken to me since I reported her precious son. Her loss but I miss her company despite everything does that make me crazy have to wonder.

Yes I do feel like her influence has infected my thinking getup. I am very very different to her, and yet when I do things I hear her voice in the background, making me doubt myself. I joined a choir a few years ago and her first comment on that wasn't "Oh how interesting, what kind of things do you sing?" it was "But you didn't ever sing!" Same when I started playing tennis - "But you never liked tennis!" I find the fear of what she will say (even though it's quite mild) holds me back and stops me from doing new things. So at the moment I want to start learning to sew, but I know she and my sister will make a big joke of that. My mother will say "But you were never any good at sewing!" and make some comment about me changing, and my sister will make some oh so funny comment about me becoming a "good wifey." Why can't they just be interested and supportive FFS!!! BITCHES!!

Mine just tell me I'm going to end up as a bagladen homeless old woman feeding the birds.

Getup, you're finding stuff here so? it might not be the right time to carryon, it's your decision.

i'm sorry dotty, it's late, sorry, I meant her saying that PND didnt exist in her day was a bizarre thing to say at all. PND is lethal, that is what I'm on meds for, even tho DD is now 3, I took it when she was 6mtha, after she had been in intensive care at 7 weeks old

Funny thing we where taught to sew bake etc I do enjoy them things wanted to make a career in catering (they screwed that up) but I have gone on to teach myself diy gardening decorating etc not the things a woman does my mother knew her place was like a fifties housewife.

I came close to taking her life had nightmares about IT doing the same things to her and much worse me abusing her.

olympic, dunno, maybe i've just fast tracked my emotions towards her from anger, sadness and now to really not giving a toss anymore, as there is just no way of getting her to admit any of it. so part of me is just thinking what is the point of brooding on it. it happened, i should just get on with the life I have now sort of thing

Also got it when DS was 7 months old a week or so after finding out I was pregnant with DD2 was never treated properly I reckon realistically I've had depression since DD1 was 4 weeks old a long long time.