Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

You're doing the right thing

x

My ex did the same too little too late.

Honestly Proud? I feel so vulnerable now and I know I've pushed things too far with H to really go back (I've said some awful - although very true - things to him)

I just feel so sad for my DCs and so sad for myself that the man I chose as the father of my children doesn't want us until its too late, but that timescale was set by me.

Thanks Brighter. I even told him today that I knew that he would do that to make me look bad to everyone else and he swore he would never use them to hurt me. On the face of it I should be happy that he took DD to the park but I'm livid that he's changed his behaviour at exactly the time that it is brought into question.

Even my best friend was saying things like "But he always seems so friendly and chilled out whenever I see him. I can't imagine him being like that" which makes me doubt myself and feel like I must have it all wrong.

I know that's not the case in my head, but my heart hurts for everything I've thrown away.

If it has taken him 12 years and an ultimatum to take a tiny bit of interest in his own children then, yes, you're doing the right thing. Definitely.

What did he say when you said it was over?

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It will be difficult for the dc's. My dd (10) still thinks the sun shines out of his arse. DS (17) has realised that his dad isn't all that. I feel so sorry for ds but he seems to be handleing (sp) it.

He basically said that if that's what I want then ok. All very calm and reasonable, said that he feels overwhelmed by the DCs and he can't really handle their needs.

He has always said he can't change, that's just how he is but I gave him one last chance a couple of months ago.

Surprise surprise, a few days of effort followed by the usual indifference, I told him that was his wake up call and he just 'pressed the snooze button' and did nothing. There are no more chances.

Now the 'denial' has increased. He'll say something hurtful and then pretend he didn't say it. This is what has pushed me over the edge and I can't take it. Its not worth trying to work on it because he really doesn't appear to care, in fact he seems totally oblivious to my emotional turmoil.

He says he does care, but I don't see it or feel it so whats the point?

I am going to go against the grain and tell you that you have got his attention and you are calling the shots now.

So if you don't want to break your family up, now is the time to tell H that the fact that he is trying does let you know he cares about his family; and that if he is serious then he needs to come with you to marital counselling.

If he doesn't want to, then off he goes. After one month, repeat the requirement. STICK TO THIS BOUNDARY. MAKE SURE marital counselling happens, seriously. People can grow up you know.

Good luck.

If you go through with it strangely enough he'll have to bother with them won't he?

Saying hurtful things then claiming not to have said them is called gaslighting and is a feature of abusive behaviour. It's a total headfuck basically. It is not a good idea to go to counselling with someone like that.

I remember your thread. I'm very proud of you for making this move (not patronizingly!). You are definitely doing the right thing! Can't emphasize that enough.

Your H will not keep this up if you relent he can only do it to spite you. It is a game. How do you feel (after all the asd talk) knowing he can do it but chooses to disadvantage his children & wife by not doing it? Even in the face of your previous hurt.

Every mother wants to do the best for her children & yes children are perceptive but do you think your DS is really in a position to have a 'bigger picture' approach to this? Was it him/you with the sock thing DIFM?
Children are also resilient but are affected by his attitude, they will be absorbing unhealthy messages like sponges but all they will see is the status quo because it's all they've known. Remove them from the abuse and I know think you will see a difference in them. Of course he's cross but kids don't run life for a reason & how many adults stay for years of mistreatment?
I repeat you are doing the right thing - if anything this should be showing you why.
It's ok to feel sad, vulnerable, guilty, angry but realise it will mean nothing to him and is only affecting you. There have been years for him to show he wants to modify his behaviour to stop it hurting his family, he didn't. Own your feelings and work through them, don't get stuck in a phase of grief and let it tie you to a situation bad for everyone.

I think its gone too far for that Wobbly. I have told him he's abusive, that he's a shit father and an even worse husband and that I would be happier without him in my life.

I honestly believe that he will be much happier without the demands of a family and maybe that's why he isn't putting up any sort of fight, I've given him the get-out-of-jail-free card and he's using it.

I honestly hate him at this point. I can't look at him and I've told him he's not going to continue sleeping in my bed until he moves out.

Having got to this point, I'm not sure I even want a relationship with him for myself. If he broke down and begged for another chance with me I would feel manipulated and weak. I want a real partnership with someone who respects me and I will never have that with him because he obviously thinks I'm an idiot.

I just feel awful for the DCs, which is why I need the strength to plough on with this and not be swayed by his fake affection.

Yes Nic, sock-gate was me! I agree "it will mean nothing to him and is only affecting you" - I honestly thought telling him he was abusing me might make him sit up and think 'oh christ is that true?' but I know in my heart that what he actually thought was more like "mad cow's been on mumsnet again"

You are doing the right thing. It won't last.

In the unlikely event that it does last, you can always change your mind.

Sorry Doing, I think we were posting at the same time. With that information then there is not much you can do...

Don't think I could change my mind even if I wanted to as he seems relieved that I've told him its over Would be nice to have even a smidgen of regret but he can't even muster that. Arsehole.

it might not feel like it now to your DC, but in the long run he may be a better dad to them out of the home. It's sad and bizarre, but since H and I separated, the fact that H spends 10 hours a week with DS means he's done about 150% more 'parenting' per week than he ever did when we were together. He sets aside time every week to take him swimming, to give him his lunch/dinner, to talk to him, to play with him. When he was a 'full time' dad he avoided anything family oriented and generally did sweet eff all for DS. There is no way DS was given that amount of one-to-one time or attention from his dad before. Stick to your guns if you believe you are doing the right thing for your family, because a miserable mum, apathetic dad and confused kids is a recipe for disaster should you go back on your decision and regret it.

Transitioning is hard, and your H may well pull out the big guns - I try to look at it as great for DS when he does stuff like yours is trying now. The more the better. But for me? Much too little to ever make a difference to how I feel. (((HUG)))

Thanks Choco, I know you're right, that's one of my main considerations - I know he will have to spend a few hours a week with them, which he has never had to do - I just wish he acutally wanted to ! And somewhere deep inside I wish he wanted to make me happy too, but he didn't.

"a miserable mum, apathetic dad and confused kids is a recipe for disaster should you go back on your decision and regret it. "

Abitwobbly, the man is abusive. Counselling isn't appropriate for abusive relationships.

Of course it's the right thing to do OP, he's proving that even now by acting nicer (to make you look bad and feel guilty) now it's over.

DoingIt
You could be me! This is what I am dealing with at the moment too. I had been to see a solicitor and felt really guilty about it. When I posted on MN some wise person told me "to thine own self be true." Well that has become a mantra to me now.

Something in me changed and he must have sensed it cos now the hall is stripped, the front wall is being rebuilt and we are having a new bathroom apparently.
He is nice to the kids but it wont last.

Trust your gut instinct. If he changes and it lasts then you will be better off. But if it doesnt last (probably!) then you wont be let down again.
Good luck

Camper, are you giving him another chance? Is this the first time you've got to this point?

Its about the 4th time I've told him its over, but each time I've had a last minute wobble and gone back on my word, so he knows I'm weak. This time I feel much stronger (mainly due to so many people pointing out that his behaviour is abusive not just a bit mean).

I remember my mum saying that my STBXH would probably make a better part-time father than he ever was full-time.

His recent behaviour is irrelevant and is entirely about control through the kids (witness 'daddy is trying really hard' from DS - wonder where that came from) Calm indifference is your mantra. You want better for yourself and the DC's. You are in a win-win situation. If he maintains the 'superdad' attitude then you achieved that for the DC's by kicking his arse and leaving - if he doesn't then you did your best and did the right thing.

Start laughing. When he says something hurtful, laugh and say 'Is this one of your famous disappearing comments?

I beieve you are doing the right thing

You hate this guy, and I don't blame you

Far too little, faaaaaaaar too late

it's just more manipulation, and a shite attempt at that

stay strong my love, and I don't recommend joint counselling unless it is to negotiate a smoother break up

famous disappearing comments

I've actually resorted to emailing him from the kitchen to his laptop in the study so that I don't have to discuss anything, in order to have a written record of whatever he says from now on. Not the most mature and dignified way to conduct a break-up but I end up screaming at him that he's lying to me or that he's trying to manipulate me, which makes me sound like I'm mad (exactly what he wants of course)

I am not giving him any more chances. I have threatened to go in the past but he thinks I am shit and weak.
He has missed all the chances in the world and will probably be a better dad when we live apart. That will make him see them. But even then I bet he will find something better to do.
Today he was winding me up by saying he knew I had seen a solicitor as some letters had come from them. Well any correspondence will go to my cousin's address when it starts.
Because I didnt deny anything and refused to be drawn into the argument he was cross and started to pick on the washing up etc.
You will find strength one day. You know you are not weak. Remember to try and not be sucked into his games - well done for not shouting!