Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

Someone please tell me that this will feel better. I've just had a total meltdown, sobbing my guts out silently so that he can't hear me but I'm in physical pain from it. My whole body hurts like I have flu, I feel so wretched.

God I hate him for not loving me enough.

Someone please tell me that this will feel better. I've just had a total meltdown, sobbing my guts out silently so that he can't hear me but I'm in physical pain from it. My whole body hurts like I have flu, I feel so wretched.

God I hate him for not loving me enough.

DoingIt, I know exactly what you mean. After years of neglect, I ended my marriage but unfortunately had to share a house for more than a year afterwards. At first, exH became far more involved than he had ever been previously, and I would come home to find them all sitting over a board game in the living room.

It didn't last though...he could only keep it up for about two months. He likes to pretend he's a fab dad, but at 14, DD1 now sees straight through him and it's only a matter of time until DD2 has her eyes similarly opened.

Never doubt yourself...you wouldn't have ended it without being 100% sure.

Keep your spirits up, he is doing this as a way to get what HE wants (a doormat who does everything and doesn't complain about it). YOU are not that person. Ignore it, it's not a permanent behaviour change, it's a manipulative behaviour change to try to get things to go back to 'normal' for him.

It's normal to cry at a time like this, you are almost 'grieving' for what the relationship SHOULD have been, rather than the relationship it was. Tomorrow is a new day, you just have to puck

Thanks Thornbury that's both depressing and reassuring! Two months is longer than my H has ever managed before, but here's hoping for the sake of the DCs

I burst into tears when I heard he'd taken DD to the park the other day. Its just heartbreaking to see them being used to make their dad look better.

puck pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward with the beginning of a new, better chapter of your life.

We are all here if you feel down, or angry, or sad. Or if you just want to write it all down to offload.

That's how it feels actually Couthy. I knew I recognised the pain and it is exactly how I felt when my parents died. A physical pain so intense and so widespread that you don't know how to bear it.

It WILL feel better, DoingIt, it really will. Even if it doesn't seem so at the moment. You're in pain, extreme pain at the loss of the relationship you thought you had. I think when he leaves, you will feel better. I hope so.

I know it's too soon to think of the benefits but your children deserve better than 1.5 parents. You cannot - and should not - try to make up for what your partner doesn't do. I know of so many women who run themselves ragged trying to do just that. Your children will thrive with a mother who no longer has to run around after a selfish and dismissive man. You'll be surprised how much energy and time he's taken from you each day. No more. Your time will be your own for you and your children.

I think it's not a question of not loving you enough... it's a question of him loving himself MORE, his wants and needs have come before you and your children and he's failed, even in the most basic ways, of taking care of the family he agreed to create. You deserve better - and you'll find it - when you're ready and not before.

For now, just focus on your disengagement from this man and making it as painless as you can for your children. I will tell you that even the most acrimonious divorces, with one partner creating havoc and chaos - children gravitate to their constant, to their one parent they can count on - You. All the upheaval is going to be worth it and you will stop doubting yourself that ou did the right thing - you have.

I wish you peace in your heart at a decision well made for the right reasons; you've done your children a great service if you did but know it. Thinking of you. xx

My Ex managed it for 9 whole months, until I told him I was seeing someone new. Then he got bloody nasty again!!

Thank you Lying, that's what I need to hear tonight.

Been there, got the T-shirt, unfortunately. Now, though, one year on, it is such a relief to only have to deal with him two nights a week, when he comes round to see DS3. And I'm starting to force the issue on that one now, so, this coming weekend, he is actually having DS2 AND DS3 overnight for the first time since we split.

what Lying said

I can't type much tonight, having nightmare pc problems

I've let myself down big-time since last night.

I went to bed and sobbed my heart out but I was worried about waking the DCs (I now remember H telling me to cry quietly when my dad died so I didn't wake DS1 )

To save making too much noise I went out in the car and sat in a layby howling like some mad banshee to let it all out. When I came in H (who is sleeping in the living room) asked if I was ok. I should have said yes, and left it there, but stupidly I told him how I felt and opened the floodgates.

I lost it wailing about how much he'd hurt me when I'd done nothing but support him, that I felt grief because actually someone has died - him, or at least the 'him' I thought I knew. I don't know who this man is but it isn't the man I married and chose to have children with.

That opened the floor for more of his woolly reasoning about how people change as they get older and that's why his priorities and attitudes have changed (not because he's a selfish entitled arse with no regard for anyone but himself, oh no) and again he basically made me feel as if my feelings don't matter, that my wasted life with him is of no concern to him and that this is all just part of some pre-ordained pattern that was going to happen whatever we did.

I've been crying this morning in front of the DCs which I know is awful and I shouldn't let them see how much he's hurt me, but I can't hold it together any more. I've told RL friends who are great and he said I could be the one to tell his sister as I said that I knew he wouldn't tell her the truth.

But in my heart I know he will justify it by pointing out how mad I am acting and that I'm upsetting the DCs by having feelings in front of them.

How have you let yourself down ?

You would have to be a robot to be unmoved by all this. Leave the unfeeling, uncaring automaton act to him.

I would stop opening up to him though, now you have let it out of your system. Don't give him any more ammunition. Next time it bubbles over, come on here or call a friend.

I feel that I've let myself down by being upset in front of the DCs as much as anything I feel awful about them going to school after seeing me cry. Its hard enough for them as it is, and then I have DS1 thinking I'm unreasonable because I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and he will end up siding with the man who sees him as a huge inconvenience.

Your marriage is ending. Tears are to be expected.

You won't carry on doing it forever. What's wrong with your kids knowing you are upset ?

If your H will use this to manipulate his kids, it should strengthen your resolve to end it.

It's a hard, hard bump to get over, but you will

Reassure your children later that yes, you were upset that you and dad are not getting on. But your tears are normal and just 'cos mum cries the world won't end.

Let them make their own minds up about what they see/hear. And tell your twat of a H to do the same.

I have cried in front of DS, lots! It's normal. You are NOT a bad mum for having feelings. Just explain to your DC that sometimes you need to have a bloody good cry, it's healing. Perhaps remind them of times when it was ok for them to cry too (have they had anything happen you could relate it to, like a pet dying or breaking an arm or something?)

If you do have something you can relate it to for them, you can just remind them 'do you remember when x happened and you were very upset/it hurt quite a lot at the time? But now you feel much better? It's very hard not to cry when things like this happen because it's a bit of a shock and feels quite painful. But it's ok to have a cry at the time, it's just part of getting better... Mummies feel much better when they get cuddles too!' or something along those lines? Sorry I'm not sure I know how old your DC are so that may be a bit young for them. But maybe they have some teen angst you could use instead :)

Yes, maybe "remember when we told you that you couldn't have an iphone for Xmas and you cried" ! They're 5, 7 & 12. Found poor DD (5) sweeping up her cereal crumbs this morning because she thought it would help, as daddy gets stressed about mess on the floor. I'm doing the right thing.

you are. And we will all be here to hand hold and remind you of that when you wobble x

Well I applied for a job today!

H has assured me that I will not be left short of money, but I know that I can't continue in my current self-employed job, as its only a day or two per week and he does the accounts. I'd love to be able to work for myself doing something i love, but at the moment I just need something stable to keep me afloat and get my confidence back.

There is a TA position at my DCs school and although its not my ideal job (I want to run a tea room and do paintings!) it is sensible, family friendly and close-by so they're all good things. And for some strange reason the DCs' friends do all seem to like me - DD's friends hug me when they come to play which is lovely, so I must seem approachable to small people. Just hope I can hold myself together if I get an interview.

Also told both schools about separation in case DCs are upset. I'm most worried about DS1 as he is on the brink of tears all the time, but would be mortified if he cried at school :-(

Fingers crossed for the job, DoingIt. It would be ideal while the children are still in school, wouldn't it? And in the not too distant future, when they're older, you'll be able to run a tea room and do paintings (and put them on the tea room walls and sell them to the customers). You really will.

Thank you PattyPenguin! If it doesn't pan out I have some other ideas up my sleeve for making my part-time job busier and I can get some training in accounts so I won't need to rely on H to do it.

As much as I am still hurt and confused, I do feel strangely invigorated today (probably lack of sleep!). I want to succeed and for my DCs to be proud of me, so that they can see why things needed to change.

I panicked today about having to open a bank account and thought "I need to ask H what to do" then I realised that I am a sensible computer literate person, I can just look it up on the bank's website - duh! I'm so accustomed to feeling reliant on him that its difficult to imagine a time when I might be totally self-sufficient.

I always imagined that day would be when he died and at least I'd have some money to tide me over until I got the hang of things. I'm realising now that I'll only have money if I earn it/apply for it and that he will be a lot better off financially than me, but I don't want to rely on him so I need to start getting organised.

Don't forget about Tax Credits if you are on a low income, you may get help with your child care costs and living expenses. You can claim for them even if he is still resident in your house, if you are separated and he isn't paying towards your bills or the living expenses of you and your dc, other than Maintenance.

Also, do think about the fact that for 3 DC, you will be entitled to 20% or 25% of his income as maintenance (can't remember which of the two figures it is for 3 DC), so it is worthwhile contacting the CSA if he won't make an agreement for maintenance. You can check out what you should be getting from him by Googling 'CSA Calculator', and inputting the details.

AND if you are renting and on a low income, you may be eligible for some help with your rental costs from Housing Benefit, you can pick up the forms in your local Council office.

You WILL feel better and more able to cope, and even happy again, it just takes time to mourn for the relationship you could have had, had your Ex not been such an arsewipe.

HTH.

Don't be in the least worried about crying in front of the kids. There's no harm in them seeing that you have feelings.
I remember my mother in tears when I was little. I didn't know then what she was crying about but I clung to her and cried too - it brought us even closer together.
Congratulations on getting started on the rest of your life!