Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

Thanks for that Couthy. Not in rented unfortunately although I know that would help financially, I want to keep things stable for the DCs. Do you know if there's a company who will buy your house and rent it back? That could be a big help.

I've apologised to them this afternoon Sally and said that although its fine to cry if any of us are upset I don't want them to worry about me.

We're now discussing what the situation will be like and they're all beginning to see that actually they will spend more time with H than they do now, that it won't be much different (he works shifts so is often out when they go to bed and gone again before they wake up)

I think its making us all feel better about it and now that I've got my anger out at H I can concentrate on the positives, even for him as he will definitely be better living alone.

Watched the Avengers film the other night and the hulk reminded me of him - not that he's violent or that muscular but that he has all this anger kept just below the surface, even though he seems very calm and mild-mannered. When he says that being with the DCs makes him angry, I think its really that he's already angry at the world in general and he thinks they are the trigger.

I suspect your ex will be expected to continue with the mortgage in order to house his children, or at at least contribute a part of it, so I wouldn't think about selling the house just yet. And it's in his interest to keep paying, as he'll still own half (or whatever) of it when it's eventually sold.

He is saying that I won't 'go short' but is talking about me getting support from the government, so he is obviously expecting me to be able to claim benefits left right and centre, but actually as a sahm of age 5+ children I can't get income support, only jobseekers allowance.

They don't pay housing benefit unless you're renting, so I'm just really scared that I'm going to end up in financial trouble staying here. He's talking about getting a 2 bed house in the same area, but that will cost the same as our mortgage - about £900 a month. I've used the benefit calculator and I think it said he'd pay £600 a month in maintenance, so with all the bills etc I don't know how I will manage.

Maintenance isn't taken into account for the purposes of JSA or Tax Credits, so your maintenance would be on top of those. If I were you, I would go to a solicitor for their free half hour - I am thinking, though not certain, that he would have to pay half the mortgage as well as maintenance.

I will find out later tonight what Child Tax Credits is for 3 DC (not sure as I have 4), but JSA as a Lone Parent is the same amount of money as Income Support, just there are different conditions placed upon you (the requirement to be seeking work). I get a touch over £120 a fortnight Income Support, plus my Child Benefit, plus my Child Tax Credits, plus my maintenance.

It's tough financially, I won't deny it, but it's all worth it to be free of the constant oppression.

Thanks I really need to sort the money thing out as I've told him I want him out as soon as possible.

Its killing me having him here, watching him being all nice to the DCs, chatting to them when he's never usually bothered. I can't eat when he's here as there's a knot in my stomach and I feel sick with anxiety.

I prepared dinner tonight while he just stood around chatting to the DCs. I asked them to lay the table and he started looking on the internet for something DS1 wants for XMAS ffs. I snapped "if you want some of this food then I suggest you help lay the table". That's not what the DCs need for the next few weeks. I ended up waiting and eating after they'd all finished because if I sit at the table with them I just end up in tears.

I still can't speak to him, but I know that's not fair on the DCs either, but it eats me up when he starts chatting like we're mates after what he's done, so I just stay silent. Its like having a stranger in the house, but a stranger who's been horrible to me.

I personally wouldn't be cooking for him, or expecting him to set the table etc., I'd get the DC to set the table, and just cook for me and the DC's.

One, it might spur him into action to move out quicker if he hasn't got someone running around cooking and washing for him, and two, it's not your job any more. He is an adult who will have to take care of himself when he moves out, he might as well start practising!

If you have no expectations of help from him, then it is impossible to be disappointed when he inevitably doesn't help. It is not permanent, sharing a house with a wankbadger him, if he wants to eat, I'm sure he knows where the cooker is, and how to set the table for himself!

Talk to your oldest DC about doing a few more jobs, like setting the table (IME most DC over 5yo can manage this tbh). Sort it out as if he ISN'T there, then it won't be a problem when he actually isn't. (Apart from the relief you will feel when he leaves the door for the last time, it's honestly like a truck gets lifted off your shoulders!)

In fact, scrub my comment about how it's not your job anymore - it never fucking WAS your job!!!!

He MADE it your job because he's an entitled arse. Just remember that!!!

I said I wouldn't be cooking for him, but he always manages to hover around just as I'm serving dinner and ask if there's any for him while the DCs are there so I give in so as not to upset them.

The most passive aggressive thing I can muster to show my disapproval is not to bring his plate to the table like I normally would, I carry the others over and sit down. Wow what a rebel I am!

over the next week, make as many "dinner dates" at your friends/family's houses as you can

make a real concerted effort, say you will take your turn later on if need be

just get yourself and dc out of the house and leave him to his own devices

go to a sit-in chippy/kfc/McD if need be

whatever you can

if the weather bucks up, take an early dinner out as a picnic

it will break the well-grooved habit, and he will get the message

I like it AF. I am going out with friends tomorrow eve for a drink and a big pile of chocolate dessert but maybe taking the DCs out to eat would be good too. I did really early dinner on Monday as DS had swimming at 6 so I made sure we all ate at 4.30 before H was home

Its easier if I can just not be there when he gets home, but if I suggest going out while he's here the DCs will ask if H can come. What do I say?

Obvs if that had happened a couple of weeks ago, he'd have moaned and said he didn't fancy going out and started rooting through the cupboards, but now Superdad will be all smiles and enthusiasm and most likely choosing where we go!

go before he comes home then

break the habit

break it's back and it will easier in the future

you can't fool the kids forever though, love, you are going to have to decide between you and your H how and when to tell them what is happening

you need to get very clear in your own head before you do that, though

They do know AF, I had a nice chat with them all this afternoon about how it will work and that they will spend 2 nights at his house and he can drop them at school etc and they are all quite accepting after that.

He worked away for 10 months in 2010 and then was away studying Mon-Fri for 10 weeks last year, so we're used to being without him, it won't be a huge shock for them. Due to his shifts he's hardly ever home at weekends. That's part of the reason i'm so angry with him - I've held the fort all this time, being a single parent but without the perks, for this.

DS was quite upset when I said that we wouldn't all be going camping again and that I probably wouldn't be going to a (H's) family party in July, even though I love dearly the relative whose party it is. He's 12 and it still doesn't occur to him that some things will change.

Hopefully in the future when my rage has subsided and I have met a gorgeous hunk of a man who loves me I may feel like being friends with H and being part of his family again (they have all emailed me today to say that they love me, they're not taking sides etc), but not yet.

I second AF. You DO need to break the habit. Shift mealtimes if you can't be out that night. If the DC ask when or what their dad is going to eat, be all bright and breezy and just say "he is a grown up, he will get himself some food, just like you will when you are grown up, after all, all grown ups can cook, can't they?"

Will stop any questions on it from the DC, and it'll take the wind out of his sails!!

Your 12yo does understand that things will change, he doesn't like it, but it will not be a total shock to him, he is unlikely to be the first DC in his class whose parents have separated.

They WILL get used to it, and in 6 months down the line, they will see the change in the atmosphere in your home, and they will see that you are happier, and they WILL be fine.

My DC are so much more relaxed now, without my Ex here.

ok, so they know what is happening

then love, you need to stop dead the playing Happy Families shtick

that is actually unfair and confusing for them, giving mixed messages

in that case, I would have no compunction telling H to butt out when he was trying to muscle in on something

when he hovers for food, or a day out, or whatever in front of the dc then firmly say ""We talked about this. I don't want to cook for you, for eg and I want you to back off and stick to our agreement"

be consistent and firm, don't back down, and the kids will get used to it

Hiya Doingit just wanted to check in as I realised I've been reading, following your progress and willing you on but how on earth would you know that?!

I, as usual, agree with AF.
Tears are to be expected but will become fewer and fewer. Most importantly though be clear in the house. Show the kids that the status quo has changed and they don't have to pretend everything is exactly as normal either. If they have any wobbles this is a much better environment for them to be able to talk to you about them instead of feeling like they have to swallow them and carry on pretending.
I imagine at 12 (even a young 12) your son will be struggling with more than the separation, he will be starting to see these behaviours for what they are, be able to understand what is going on when you are triggered into being upset and working out how it all relates to his own feelings about his father...as well as just being 12. He wouldn't come to the conclusion you are unreasonable for crying - that's your stbx talking and you know it. That's why it's important to keep the communication open and ongoing. Be clear, factual and honest.
Second Couthy as well - this is not the world ending event for them that it is for you, as much as it feels like it will be worse for the children it's usually far easier for them. Their upset or confusion or grief may be intense but it is the flame that burns brightest that burns fastest. They will have righted the ship, with your help, and be carrying on long before you stop feeling guilty for what you suppose you have caused. Children thrive on stability - they don't care about who Captain's as much as knowing someone steers the ship. The unsettled atmosphere is working for your stbxh as you are shouldering the burden and guilt for causing much more negativity than you actually are.
What will take longer to correct is not the separation but the damage done by their father's behaviour - healing that is the task that will make you see why, even if STBEXH becomes wonderdad, this is not the 'hugest mistake of you and your children's lives' but the right decision that took the long road in getting to you. You know you are doing the right thing, hold on to that conviction. Remember how angry you are when you feel wobbly. One step at a time, you will get there and you will be so much better off.

Thanks all. I will take that all on board.

I'm veering between feeling really calm and sure that this is the best thing, to total panic when I realise that I have to get a job and still run the house and make sure everyone is where they need to be! I already do most of it, but the proper job and dealing with the finances are going to be the tough parts. How do you manage it all?

Feel sick all the time, but upside is I might lose a bit of weight! H told me on holiday that I looked like Bubbles from Little Britain (he couldn't understand why that upset me, as he was only talking about the skirt ). I actually look more like Kirsty Allsop (if she put on a couple of stone and wore jeans and a t-shirt instead of fab dresses!) but of course in my mind there's always that picture instead.

I also remembered last night another gaslighting incident when we went out for dinner and out of the blue he said that if I didn't start having more sex with him he'd have to find someone who would. I was so taken aback that I didn't really push it, especially as we were in public, but in the car I started crying and when I told him why, he totally denied saying it.

Just had a text from his sister saying she can't stop thinking about me and what's happened and that it sounds like I had no choice. I know they won't be taking sides, but I'm glad they know the truth.

Morning- I can't believe what I've just read, that's appaling and you need to see how wrong that is in terms of a healthy relationship - it goes beyond a thoughtless comment, way beyond. Well, that's not strictly true, I can quite believe it from him.

It actually will fall into place. Don't underestimate how much of your emotioinal energy is being drained right now, you will have a deficit particularly when every single thing on your list is a 'hard' thing that takes a lot of attention or time.
This will get infinitely better.
Have you got anyone that can help you with some practical things? How do you feel things will be with your sil?
I have found childcare with school aged children easier as the time they need looking after is reduced, obviously what job you go for will be the basis for how this works out.
I was all aboggle with finances and have dyscalculia - it's actually not scary! I am a sole trader now so do my own books and tax, the thought of it brought me out in a cold sweat some nights but once you get it, it's not scary, the paperwork (or online now) makes it seem hideous but once you have a bit of practice it's ok. I'm not suggesting forking out for an accountant but asking an experienced friendly bookeeper or accountant for help or to be shown the ropes might be possible? I threw myself on the mercy of a lady that worked in the accounts office of my old practice and bribed her with lashings of tea (we did wine but the lessons became a bit confused ) and cake.
I do all the bills for work and home (honestly I said I would so I could sneak of to my shed office and eat nutella and banana sarnies and listen to rubbish radio! Can't be that bad if I offered, I never volunteer!) and in most cases I check the bills over for mistakes, have a reminder set up to check the meter readings and otherwise check the direct debits have gone out. Initially set aside a quiet time so you are unhurried and just babysteps.
I phoned most places pleading ignorance and was talked through every step that I needed to go through. The only ones I had trouble with was a dippy lass at the HMRC and the council were a bit rubbish but I got there in the end with minimal pain. Don't get stuck and worried about anything - phone any bugger that has a stupid form, that's why they have phones on their desks, there's always CAB to refer you to someone and there is always someone on MN who can point you in the right direction.
Don't feel you have to do everything at once and alone. It can be done.
Initially with the kids around more I used to put aside one evening, after their bedtime, to look at all my paperwork. If I had a shit day I would say I'll do 20 minutes and the rest can wait. 9/10 I finished it all because I got in the zone.
I know I sound glib, you're right it can be tricky or feel like you're juggling far too many balls but I just don't want you to feel daunted - you can get there and you don't have to do it by yourself, even if you think there isn't anyone that can help, I think you'll be surprised.

(we did wine but the lessons became a bit confused ) love it!

Thanks for the advice Nic. I know I'm a sensible intelligent person, I will be able to cope, but it seems so overwhelming to have to start doing all that, still reeling from the shock of this, with my confidence at rock bottom and no idea about which benefits I can get.

I'd love to stay self-employed, but I presume that will affect Income Support etc. I'm going for a coffee with some friends today, one of whom used to be an accountant, so I might subtly ask her about my options there, Ltd company etc.

I think that when I feel ready, his family will welcome me with open arms. They'll be more than happy for me to visit with the DCs (or on my own) and have offered to come here for support if I want them to. They've always known he's a bit odd and fussy and controlling, but I'm sure/I hope they never realised to what extent and they're probably as shocked as I am that this is what he's become. Difference is, they'll still love him despite his faults, like the DCs will.

I'm lucky I get a choice not to!

I was worrying about computer stuff going wrong and who I would ask if things stop working (as they frequently do round here) but I coped without him for weeks at a time before and I know that my brother and my friends' Hs will be round like a shot to help me if I need them to do 'man-stuff'. Hopefully as time goes on I will be more capable of doing it myself.

I'm glad your ils will welcome you, but more importantly offer support! I think there were probably suspicions (as evidenced by sils surprisingly illuminating comment) but not I think strong enough to challenge what is still quite taboo for many people. Lots of people look to the spouse and if they are smiling then it gets pushed to the back of their mind - because at the end of the day it is much 'safer' to not rock the boat. I hope that they support your choices with the DCs going forward.

You can do it, of course you can. However that doesn't mean you have to start trying to dig through this mountain with a spoon. Everything feels insurmountable until you're in a place where you can deal with it.
You have done so much all ready - I'm not being obnoxious, I mean it - when you think about how far you have come you should be feeling proud of yourself and of your strength, even if it doesn't feel like it. You can take some time just to go 'wtf, hang on a tick' and re-group, you are allowed to be kind to yourself you know!
I'm a broken record but - babysteps. Honestly one day at a time, keep talking, keep doing one call a day or one lot of paperwork or one e-mail and it will all come together. I think it's an excellent idea to ask your friend about the accts, who knows what useful nugget will turn up?!

Friend also suggested a website called 10 - 2 which apparently has jobs suitable for school hours, which sounds handy.

Just had a lovely email from SIL sent separately to us both, saying how they are there to support us both etc and that whatever is said is in strict confidence unless they feel that it would help the other to know something important.

Then this line: "To you -H- I will just say you are a strong person and I could have this wrong, but wonder if this marriage breakup is more on your part than DIFM's and if so I know you will take a step back and imagine how she will cope"

Reassuring that they believe that this is not all my fault, despite adopting the neutral standpoint. I know she won't come out and say H you are an abusive twunt, but this is about as close as she can get to blaming him. Bless her.

It's nice that sil has said that. Personally I would take it as a message for you, maybe a little semaphore to let you know things haven't totally escaped their notice. I doubt increasing pressure or shame from his family will make a blind bit of difference. You are spot on to distrust his money promises and not put any eggs in that basket!

10-2 sounds great, very hopeful! I've got my fingers crossed x