Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

Semaphore? Really? Ok, odd phone!

Was it not suppose to be semaphore? I thought that was quite fitting!

I meant the other one...the name of which now escapes me d'oh. Maybe genius phone?!

Right, girding my loins off for a visit to the mil who has decided she's lost the dog. Which would not be a problem if she still had a dog
Still I've managed to avoid her for long enough I can grin and bear it! Hope you have a good afternoon, if you feel low you can imagine me round & round the garden hunting an imaginary dog!

bless her and bless you for humouring her.

thanks for the Hulk clarification! I will look at that link.

Oh god I did it again!

I tried to talk to him and it went horribly wrong. Why do I keep thinking I can get him to see what's happened?!

He is now talking about buying DS1 a new phone, despite us both saying that it was unnecessary a few weeks ago and DS accepting that it wasn't really a priority, he and H have now hatched a plan to pay half each apparently.

I told him that this is confusing for DS, that he can't suddenly switch on the good-time dad role now as it will make DS think that I am the unreasonable one. He kept his expressionless face saying "this stops here. I'm not having this conversation. You are ranting. You are invading my personal space", putting his hands out in front of him as if to stop me attacking him. I had a bottle of water in my hands and could envisage me smashing it into his jowly face but I was reacting perfectly reasonable and as calm as I could be in the face of his strange behaviour.

He then asked what did I want him to do? I said I want him to accept responsibility for what he has done, that I have all these emotions because I have been badly treated, that calling me <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=rik+waller&num=10&um=1&hl=en&biw=1311&bih=818&tbm=isch&tbnid=-JL1_K_kn6M8KM:&imgrefurl=www.last.fm/music/Rik%2BWaller/%2Bimages/44572&docid=bUk1W74XexCcFM&imgurl=userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/44572/Rik%252BWaller.jpg&w=291&h=449&ei=sqDZT9bIEMz38QOgg6j4AQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=359&vpy=290&dur=147&hovh=279&hovw=181&tx=80&ty=143&sig=102523140358359176345&sqi=2&page=1&tbnh=132&tbnw=86&start=0&ndsp=28&ved=1t:429,r:8,s:0,i:109" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Rik Waller Bubbles, <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=tubbs+league+of+gentlemen&num=10&um=1&hl=en&biw=1311&bih=818&tbm=isch&tbnid=mt89OWmIhs9JoM:&imgrefurl=www.lunacynet.com/league/char_tubbs.html&docid=wdkSHuBFHD8uvM&imgurl=www.lunacynet.com/league/images/s2_tubbs.jpg&w=200&h=174&ei=26DZT4W7Nc7a8QPp--j5AQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=371&sig=102523140358359176345&sqi=2&page=1&tbnh=139&tbnw=156&start=0&ndsp=22&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:70&tx=77&ty=84" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Tubbs (League of Gentlemen), <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=paula+titty+bang+bang&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1311&bih=818&tbm=isch&tbnid=NqC-zY0ZNFowLM:&imgrefurl=www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2005/08_august/06/three_funny.shtml&docid=y53QLN5ZB-XDDM&imgurl=www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/images/bank/programmes_tv/bbc3autumn2005/300tittybangbang.jpg&w=300&h=180&ei=f6DZT-uzO4-r8AP6gpD5AQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=399&vpy=185&dur=329&hovh=140&hovw=186&tx=109&ty=89&sig=102523140358359176345&page=1&tbnh=140&tbnw=186&start=0&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:75" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Paula the darts player from Titty Bang Bang is abuse and that I am protecting my children from witnessing this cruelty and from suffering the same fate by insisting that he leave, I am not the bad guy here.

He insists he has been a good dad (even though he is trying to 'make it up to them now' ) and I told him that a good dad would not have called their mum those names, would not have expected her take care of him and support him to then treat her so appallingly. He says he is being a good dad by removing himself from this situation, that he will never say the words that I am trying to put in his mouth (that he has abused me) and that they do not need protecting from him. This hit a nerve I know.

He's obviously been reading from the EA wankers handbook and memorising some 'witty retorts designed to enrage the little woman'. How do I continue to live in this house until the money and job are sorted out. I feel so free when he's out but when he's here I fall apart and degrade myself. I'm so cross with myself for expecting anything different from him.

Oh and I pointed out that he is not removing himself from the situation. I am removing him. Had it been left up to him he would still be here making a balls up of everything, treating everyone the same way that he always has. It is only because I have had enough of his nastiness that he is leaving, not because he thinks its for the best.

Took my wedding ring off (so tempted to throw it in the lake, but need the money!) and went for a lovely run in the sun. He's not spoiling my hobby by taking that away from me too. I haven't been for ages because it now has such strong associations with him and his competitive selfish ways that I fell out of love with running, but I'm taking it back for myself so that I can be fitter and more fabulous. Made a point of smiling at everyone I passed and feeling good when they smiled back.

Oh wow. Either I have just been royally conned or this will actually be the healthiest break up in history!

I have managed after sustained and firm interrogation and many corrections/restarts to make him admit that he is sorry. He tried "if you've been hurt then I'm sorry" he tried "I'm sorry you've been hurt" but when I finally got him to say "I'm sorry I hurt you" it was like a dam opened and he became emotional (yes, the robot has actual tears) and I felt a huge weight lifted.

He suspected that I wanted him to admit his responsibility so that I could trick him, but I said I needed it to forgive him and move on in a healthier way for the DCs.

We both said we're 100% sure this is the best thing for them and for each of us. I said that I feel vulnerable having had my confidence eroded and he assured me (and now I actually believe him) that he will not do anything to make my life difficult because he does actually care about me and me being upset just upsets the DCs, so he has found a house (quite cheap!) but says that helping to keep this place running is his priority.

We had some more emotional words, I then asked him for a hug, which really threw him! I think he thought I wanted him back and said "is that a good idea?" but when we did hug he cried and I cried and it felt nice to have forgiven him. We have resolved to sit down with the DCs tonight and tell them that the shouting is over, we are going to do everything we can to make this amicable and calm.

Am I an idiot for believing this?!

It sounds positive but be wary. I don't think he'll be able to change so suddenly (and be consistent). You can help matters by being the stronger one - don't rise to the bait, cultivate a knowing look that'll stop him in his tracks if he starts being out of order, that sort of thing.

I'm horrified he said those things to you

Keep running and feeling good about yourself - you'll have boundless energy for a job!

I really hope though for the sake of you and your DC that things will be better now

too good to be true, sorry

I hope it does work out like he wants you to believe, don't get me wrong

I highly doubt it though

Really AF? I'm definitely skeptical, but I saw actual emotion when he admitted hurting me and he said that he feels like he has destroyed so much, he needs to remove himself before he destroys anything else. I really think he has taken responsibility - it took a lot of pushing, but I think it broke him (I should be a police officer!)

He's been very considerate today and we're planning to sit down tomorrow and sort out banks/money etc and he's been discussing his roster and when the DCs can visit next month, which should be 2 separate nights a week, which sounds reasonable.

He's even said he'll be there if I have computer trouble or there's a big spider! He'll pop round if ever I need him and will help me sort out the business so that I can run it myself (now that he has apologised I am more open to accepting his help).

I really hope this is genuine as I think it would be about as good an outcome as possible.

xxx

And thanks Tall & Crystal. I'm working on my withering stare and feeling much more in control of the situation even though I nearly burst into tears at Tesco trying to choose something without thinking what he would prefer!

I certainly hope the new contrite, self-deprecating, responsibility-taking persona is real

After all these years of him taking your entreaties to make him "understand" as slightly irritating background noise, it took 24 hours to "break him" ? Don't count on it, that is all I am saying.

You know him best though, and I wish you well x

I'm on my guard AF don't worry!
x

Next time you're in Tesco, choose the thing that you'd prefer. I but there's something you don't bother buying because he doesn't like it.

Buy it - and have it all to yourself