Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

Hip, I think it will, thanks. Just a shame he couldn't be arsed to improve his relationship with me too. I feel so worthless and unlovable that the father of my DCs doesn't want me, even though I know I'll be better without him making me feel bad about myself.

Oh, I've had that one with Ex-P. wouldn't lift a finger to help out when he was here, despite me being disabled, two of our 4 DC having disabilities, and another of the 4 DC was just newborn to 4mo.

He turned into Superdad and WonderPartner rolled into one when he left.

As I said to him, it meant nothing, because he was doing it for HIM, to 'save face' so to speak. When he was here, and certain things were 'expected' of him (like washing up when I had cooked), he wouldn't do it, or would do it purposely badly in the hope that I wouldn't ask him again, and would do it myself. That's just the tip of the iceberg of stuff he did, he was a gas lighter too, still is.

Yet once he left, he would do all these things and more, without being asked, just so he could say to his friends "Look how good and supportive I am, she is a right bitch for kicking me out". Which conveniently ignores the fact that HE FUCKING LEFT, I DIDN'T KICK HIM OUT.

However, since he has recently realised that I really WON'T ever take him back (Am in a new relationship, been 3 months now), he has started to get, quite frankly, nasty about things, and has totally stopped helping, even for things for the DC.

God, I hate men like this! And there's so many of them! Is there a training school or something?!

you are NOT worthless or unlovable.

Repeat after me!!

"I am worth being loved, I am worth being respected, I am worth feeling secure and happy in my own home."

And what is more "My children are worth a stable environment, they are worth giving a respectful and loving adult relationship to model, they deserve to see their mum as special, powerful and important."

I know how you feel, I really do. But feelings are not facts - they will pass - just as this horrible part of your separation will also pass, and one day you will wake up feeling glad you walked the road to freedom.

there is certainly a script couthy

I know in my heart that i am Choco, but its so hard isn't it. My children do deserve more and they will get it this way, form both of us.

Its just like leaping off a bridge, I'm taking a leap of faith that everything will work out ok.

Couthy perhaps there's a website in another dimension which is the complete opposite of MN, where feckless blokes sit around discussing with each other exactly how they can mistreat their caring loving wives?!

Starting to wonder. Two of my friends are going through it at the moment too. I'm just glad that after 12 years of it, I've been free now for over a year, thanks to the lively ladies on MN who made me see how bad what he was doing to me and the DC's was.

I'm now in a relationship with a (so far, not fully trusting yet ) lovely man, who treats me with respect, is great with the DC, cooks for me, isn't a gas lighter etc.

My friends on the other hand, one came out of a refuge after fleeing a severe DV situation, and then got into another relationship with another abusive man. She is now out of that relationship too, but I'm trying to be there for her like the people on this board were there for me.

Then there's my other friend, who is having serious problems because she finally got the guts to kick out her abusive partner, then he has found a judge who is complicit in it continuing by making her let him move back in...long story explained elsewhere on MN. Trying to support her too.

Oh, almost forgot about my other friend, she has just got out of an EA relationship too. The latter two friends are having trouble with the courts and SS aiding and abetting (IMO) their Ex-partner's abuse.

why can't we round up all the blokes like this and banish them to some uninhibited island somewhere?!

Out of say, the 15 friends I can think of off the top of my head, I would say that at least 10 of them have been in recently, or are still in, relationships where there is abuse going on, EA and/or DV, and in one case sexual abuse too.

Doesn't install me with much confidence in men, unfortunately. Still trying to make sure there's no red flags with New Man. Some things are making me slightly 'edgy', but nothing that is waving a huge flag IYSWIM. Touch of impulsiveness/ recklessness, very high sex drive (though so do I), just a few bits, but am keeping a watchful eye on it.

On the plus side, he is lovely, asks about the DC, his own DS plays a very big part of his life, he does a lot of the nursery drop offs and pick ups for him, he tidies when he's round.

Twice bitten, thrice shy in my case, I think...

That's pretty scary thought Couthy.

One of the lights at the end of the tunnel is the hope that I'll finally meet a lovely bloke who is just normal and kind and doesn't call anyone names or question their intelligence.

Loving the sound of your new bloke and his high sex drive! I've finally found mine too late, as H decided he was getting older and 'has running now' so isn't as bothered about it as he used to be. More fuel for the EA fire? As soon as I want it, he doesn't.

He ceartainly doesn't call me names or question my intelligence, I. Fact he has asked me to help with his tax return that he got wrong and was returned to him as he is having problems with it. And he asked nicely, he didn't tell me IYSWIM.

I have no idea what to do with my OH (classic EA) don't feel like I am ready to leave yet but the constant mood swings make me feel like I'm in an earthquake right now. If its 50% rubbish and 50% ok to good then how do we make a decision to leave when we have children??
Why aren't these signs taught at school.

Gaslighted, it was a tiny thing for me.

He'd already been a moody arse about having to pay £3.50 to play crazy golf with the DCs (he doesn't like crazy golf, why should he join in?!) then he'd gone back on a promise to take the DCs swimming and asked if I couldn't take them on my own.

But the straw that broke the camel's back was that he then denied saying it. I stood and stared him in the face and said "do not lie to my face. That is a bare-faced lie and you do not get to re-write history because the truth shows you up to be who you really are. An arsehole and an emotionally abusive arsehole at that."

The wheels were set in motion at that point and because he didn't accept responsibility for it until much later, at which point he admitted that being asked to get involved with family stuff makes him feel angry, I told him it was over.

You will find your breaking point too. I just hope for all your sakes that it is as gentle a break as mine was. No violence or serious abuse, just a little nudge over the edge so that it was too far to come back.

No, it's never been strong- probably why I always doubt myself. If there was ever any DV, it would be easy to leave. I'm on crutches and have to wear flats ATM (his 'thing' is high heels) so I'm called fat and frumpy. Then Saturday, nice as pie. You never know where you are with these men.
If only there had been a lesson at school on 'the signs'
I feel like a bad parent if I leave, a bad parent if I stay.

I know Gaslighted. I've been at this point 3 or 4 times before and always caved in at the last minute and let him stay when he promised to try harder.

This time he hasn't even promised (he knows there's no point trying harder to be kind to me, as there's too much history and I will never forgive him for some of the cruel things he's said).

A wise friend once told me (in a prevous shitty and abusive relationship) that you will find your time to end it and that no-one can tell you when that will be. The previous guy tried to strangle me and bit me and still I stayed , but in the end it was finding him smoking when he said he'd given up that was the trigger for me!

Its a bit like being an alcoholic I suppose, you have to want to give it up for yourself and not because someone else thinks you should.

He can still be a 'superdad' if he wants to, living elsewhere. A really good dad doesn't become something different because of circumstances as his children are the most important people to him, no matter what.

Tell him that.

Sorry you're going through this; I think you're doing the right thing. My mum was endlessly back and forth with my dad regarding his behaviour and it was terribly stressful. I'd end it and not look back -for the childrens' sake.

I had split up with Ex-P and got back with him many times before this one - even having other equally abusive in different ways relationships (and a DC) with other men, yet still he kept wangling his way back in.

The last time we got back together I'm kicking myself for, we had been apart for two years, and I was determined not to fall for his bullshit, and I still did, and was idiot enough to have another DC with him.

I am going to stay strong this time, I am determined. It's been like a yoyo for 13 years all together, I just have my fingers crossed that my New Man breaks the cycle of me falling for abusive men.

He has said one thing that worries me, about his previous relationship though - he told me after just a week that he couldn't handle his ex expecting him to do things in a set way, like putting things in set places.

It may not sound much, but it just runs through my head, as I HAVE to have set places for everything due to memory issues caused by my epilepsy meds...

Maybe my spidey senses are in overdrive after too many EA / DV / Sexually abusive relationships though? I wonder if I'm now too sensitive to these 'little' things that bother me IYKWIM.

It's terrible, but I minimised Ex-P's EA behaviours because I has just come out of a relationship where I was anally raped if he wanted sex and I was on my period, and I kept telling myself that it couldn't be abusive because Ex-P didn't hit me, and didn't rape me...

How bad is that?!

It doesn't help that I had a VERY abusive childhood, and it is almost 'normal' for me to be treated like that, put down every day etc. (I do pop in and out of the Stately Homes threads on here, they have helped immensely).

I know it's an odd question, but do you think WA would be able to put me on a freedom course even though most of my abuse has not been reported to the police? My friend reckons it's really helpful, but she got put on it because she was in a refuge. How would I go about getting on it without any police involvement or being in a refuge?

I'm repeating others I'm sure (not read all posts yet) but he is only doing it to get back at you and to hurt you. He doesn't want to be a good dad, or he would have made the effort earlier. You know this. Stay strong :)

Jeez Couthy, you have been through a lot. Have you had any counselling for any of this? That's the problem, you're now measuring everyone's behaviour on a very warped scale and no wonder you're suspicious of new man's odd comments here and there.

Have you spoken to him about the little niggles you have and those comments you have flagged up? The way he deals with that will probably tell you a lot about what sort of man he is. In fairness, the fact that he was the one on the receiving end of (what he deemed to be) unreasonable demands could indicate that he's actually 'one of us'! (crossing my fingers for you)

God I hope so Fuzzpig or I have just made the biggest mistake of mine & DCs' lives

Couthy, I am pretty sure you can refer yourself for a Freedom course

You know Hissy on here ? She is evangelical about them (in a good way). Ask here, she will be more than happy to point you in the right direction.

there are some wise-sounding women on this thread (yes, you as well, OP). It's a crying shame that knowledge has been so hard won

couthy, you know that thing where your objects have to have their place ?

maybe your NM's ex was overly-obsessive about it an abusive way, whereas yours is an aide-memoire

speak to NM about it, I bet he will reassure he understands and would be mortified he planted a little worm in your head

I will talk to him about it, but tbh, after just 3 months, he still doesn't know just how horrific my past is. I still look back at a lot of what has happened in my life as if I am an observer.

Am worried about frightening him off if I reveal too much, too soon! We are talking about it bit by bit.

He was very understanding when I asked him not to hold my hair when I was giving him oral though - he hasn't done it since.

I tried counselling through my GP, but it was next to useless as they could only offer 6 weeks, and 6 weeks doesn't even take us through getting a basic history / timeline done!! Why all counsellors seem to want one is beyond me.

I have been through it with around 5 different counsellors since I was 18yo (am nearly 31) but the NHS only ever seem to give you 6 sessions, and it's never enough. No money to pay privately (which is what I need to do, I fear)

Well, the wisdom of MN isn't a true substitute for counselling, but at least you know that you're not alone when you share on here x