Told DH its over - suddenly he's superdad

[DoingItForMyself]

So after years of H being neglectful and thoughtless, not being the slightest bit interested in me or the DCs, I have finally found the courage to tell him its over.

Only last week he told me that he feels angry when asked to join in with family stuff, such as swimming or crazy golf on holiday. He suggested I take 3 weak swimmers to the pool on my own, then lied to my face pretending he hadn't said it.

This weekend he has sat down and watched a movie with them all for the first time ever (oldest DS is 12) and taken DD to the park on his own for the first time ever (she is 5!) while I was at the cinema with DSs.

Now DS1 is cross with me for splitting up our family as Daddy has tried really hard. If I thought it would last I could be persuaded that the emotional abuse I've put up with is worth it, but I know that in a day or two the novelty will wear off - it always does - and I'll be back at square one.

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by not giving into his emotional games.

Another - you are doing the right thing from me -
Not a moment to soon by the sounds of it.
Wish I had done the same years ago

Finally I feel free.

H noticed that the new trainers I bought for DS1 last week are actually odd! They are very similar looking but not exactly the same shoe, someone has obviously tried two kinds on and put them back in the wrong box.

Normally this would result in H shouting at DS "how stupid are you? did you not even check?" and then turning on me "didn't you even look at them when you bought them. Now that means trekking all the way back to the shop (5 mins away) to exchange them" (meaning I would be doing that).

Now, the shoes are sitting where H left them with the receipt inside them, there has been no ranting as he's obviously still trying to be superdad, and I don't have to do anything about it, as he was the one who discovered the problem, he can fix it.

I just wanted to say, you are being so strong. I have an emotionally abusive father and my parents divorced when I was 9, so I'm coming at this from your children's perspective.

My mum did everything she had to to facilitate contact and she never ever spoke badly of him to me but I soon worked out what he was really like. You are doing the right thing, not only for you but for your children. Stay strong and trust yourself. Trust your children too. They are clever enough to work it out themselves, although it might take some time (and may well be tough on you).

It is true that your life (and the lives of your children) will be better with you away from this man. The freedom you're feeling is just the beginning :)

Thanks NWF.

I'm finding it difficult not to speak badly about him, as I feel so very hard done by. I've done nothing but try my best to be a good mum and wife while he has eroded my confidence and let my DCs down.

Now that I can see a way out I'm so fucking angry with him. I know the DCs don't want to hear that. I don't want them to blame me, as they don't understand why I can't live with him anymore. I also know that his Dsis and family won't hear the truth. I've been closer to them than to my own family (partly because H doesn't get along with my family - another EA classic!) so I don't want to lose touch with them, but I know they will only hear his side of things.

Yesterday when I found out he had taken DD to the park I burst into tears. How can a child even start to comprehend why? All poor little DD saw was that she told me what fun she'd had with daddy and it upset me. Its all so unfair on them

OP would you rather your H continues to be the distant uninterested Dad that he has been so far? Will that make you and your DC happier?

I will go against the majority of the opinion and suggest that if your H is trying to mend his ways, maybe you can think along the lines of giving him another chance. You don't have to take him back but there is no harm in encouraging and appreciating his involvement in DC's lives.

do you know what ?

some men make better part time, than full time fathers

they step up on access days etc

I am not saying this is a good thing (it is shit, actually) but could you look on this as a positive aspect of separation as opposed to a negative one ?

just a thought

Thanks Any Fucker, that was one of the 'positives' in my mental columns marked 'stay' and 'go'.

I know he will be 100% more attentive to them as a part-time dad - it just hurts to see it happening almost instantly the decision has been made. Its like a switch has been flicked and he can suddenly see what it means to be a dad, which makes me look like I'm being unreasonable and will make everyone, including the DCs, think I'm being a bitch.

Halfling, he's had so many chances to mend his ways - he usually manages for a couple of days and then we have a 'big talk' where he goes from saying "I can't change, this is just who I am" to saying he will get counselling or try to be better, then once his feet are firmly back under the table its all forgotten again.

That's why I know this is the right thing in my head, but my heart is breaking for my family.

I know its hard. Knowing what I know now about my father, I honestly don't know how my mum did it. He did his best to make her look crazy but she rose above it, somehow! You know the truth and it will come out eventually. It might not be easy but you are doing the right thing.

Well Citizens Advice bureau were useless!

Just went to see if they can help me figure out what I need to do wrt startinga claim for benefits etc, having always been a SAHM working PT in a family business (can't carry on with that as H does accounts etc and I'd be useless at anything official like tax).

She basically logged onto their website (the same one I'd used to find their address!) and showed me where to look for info on Income support etc, then said that I should talk to mediation services to try and sort out finances with H directly!

How we are supposed to finance two homes and two lots of everything when we have been at breaking point with one, I don't know.

Does anyone know where I need to start. Can't even find council tax bills etc as he's always dealt with all that stuff, so I feel totally out of my depth.

Can now hear H sniffling in the other room - either hayfever or he has realised what a complete prick he is being.

Am I supposed to feel guilty that he is upset? I don't.

Sorry CAB were useless. You might try Gingerbread. They have an advice line.

Ta Squirrel, have requested some Gingerbread advice sheets by email and will bookmark the page.

sniffling in the other room ?

I would have no patience with that either. He woud do well to remember that self-inflicted cocodile tears will get you what you want for a limited period of time. Eventually people's hearts grow stone cold to the manipulation. It sounds like yours has.

What do you think of the email Doing?

Sounds genuine enough, but he still seems to put the split down to an inevitable mis-match between us rather than his sustained and deliberate attempts to undermine me and the DCs.

Yes, I appreciate that he is trying to make it up to the DCs, but suddenly starting to do it now, this week just seems so manipulative and will lead to confusion on their part that all of a sudden, he leaves and is nice to them. I know I'd rather that than have him leave and ignore them, but I just wanted him to be nice to them while living with them and he never could

I'm also a bit concerned about the "I know you will get support" line. I have no family (parents both dead) so will have very little actual 'support'. I can apply for benefits etc for financial support, but being a SAHM to 3 DCs my options for work are fairly limited and I have virtually no experience of work except self-employment (h did all the official/important stuff, mine was just the donkey-work like packaging and delivering!) so its all very daunting having to start from scratch.

His life will get so much easier while mine will totally change forever. Bastard.

I've asked MNHQ to delete the email as it feels a bit tawdry to broadcast his personal message to me.

That's fair enough Doing.

I think you'll have to let go of your desire for him to admit wrong-doing because it's not going to happen. Do you agree?

I have to say I would distrust that magnanimous and generous "promise" about financial and practical support

he is still thinking if he is nice enough for a while, you will change your mind, this will all blow over and it will be "business as usual" very soon for him

When he finally twigs you mean what you say, those empty promises will start to disappear like the smoke and mirrors that they are

all the more reason to have all your financial ducks lined up, and take nothing he says at face value

Be very wary of the "Of course I need money to live on and you will get support" line. I'd play dumb and ask him to explain what he means by that.

Seek advice over finances a.s.a.p. Are there any savings/joint account he could wipe out leaving you short of funds.

How clued up is he over how finances work when a married couple split up ?

I know any fucker, I"m a bit skeptical to say the least.

I've always been a bit about his attitude to divorce since a relative of his left his wife for an OW and there were all sorts of financial wranglings where the guy ended up signing over the whole house and a substantial amount of maintenance because he felt so guilty.

DH said, if he were in that position he would resign from his job so he didn't have to pay anything.

I called him up on that, asking a) why he thought that was acceptable to do and b) why he thought telling that to his wife was particularly reassuring. He of course said it was just a joke and that the XW was a bitch and didn't deserve what she was getting (based on the fact that she had begged her H to reconsider and was never told about OW until a few months later).

He insisted that of course he would never do that really, but now I know more about the way he thinks I'm not so sure. I know he will provide for the DCs but any expectation of fairness to me has gone out of the window.

when someone tells you what they are, you listen (and you did)

he has probably shown you the future there

Grrr luckily we don't actually have any savings! Just a huuuge mortgage and a joint account. I'll open my own asap and be aware that he will be getting clued up on his rights and responsibilities.

I never saw much of my Dad at home - he was a shift worker, but also swerved us. My memory of him is reclining on sofa watching golf or cricket.

Once he left my Mum (for OW) he became a much better and more involved father. He took us places, and spent time with us. He made much more of an effort.

Hopefully your H moving out will improve his relationship with his DC also.

Cailin, I sent a response, I know I shouldn't have.

I said that we did do something sooner, we went to Relate, where the counsellor laid the blame squarely at his door for his unreasonable behaviour. He then went to solo counselling where he used it as a chance to moan about my high expectations of family life rather than deal with his issues.

I said that the apology is all well and good, but means nothing if it doesn't come with acceptance that what he has done to me is emotional abuse and that while I appreciate his efforts to make it up to the children by being nicer to them, he also needs to sort himself out to prevent him from messing with their heads like he has done with mine, especially DS1, with whom he has a very difficult relationship.