The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Starting the Summer Filled With Luscious Mocktails.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse and I used to drink far too much. Too much vodka to be exact, then too much wine, then too much cider....... you can imagine how it went.

This Bus is full of people like me, and people like you actually. Sober people, drinkers, a few not surers, and those who are simply 'somewhere'.

The one thing that we have in common is that we can/do/did/will abuse alcohol.

Some for a number of years, some months, some for their entire adult (and before) lives.

The support here is for everyone. Those in AA, those who are taking medication to help, those going it alone, those with the support of others. We're all here for the same reason.

Why not come and say hello? We are all so very different in our every day lives but we all have a common theme.....

And, for those who want to see where all of this began 2 years ago, HERE IS a link to all of the past Bus rides.

bproud my resolve isn't going away, of that I am sure.

I just felt that I didn't need an urgent appointment today really, I know what I need to do and I am going to go to that appointment, will probably print out what I have written up there to take with me as I always get tongue-tied with GP's. My first post was really hard to write but I'm pleased I did it.

Haven't consciously made the decision not to drink today; I think if I did then my anxiety levels will increase. I'm not a day time drinker anyway so will play it by ear after 6pm. I do believe I am quite physically dependent on it right now though, I hate that thought so much it is making me tearful as I type

Limit good to know that you are detirmined to tackle it, but sorry, but 'playing it by ear' doesn't usually play out too well in my experience.
I understand that you are feeling anxious, but that anxiety can be managed by deciding now and making a plan for the evening. Your plan doesn't have to be no alcohol, but if you want to cut down you need to plan how you are going to acheive that, maybe by deciding not to drink until later in the evening and finding activities to fill in the time until the drinking time arrives or by restricting how much drink is available in the house.

Welcome Limit that was a really brave post. I second what Bproud says about playing it by ear. If I have made a determined decision not to drink then I can just about stick to it most of the time now, but if there's any room for manoeuvre or excuses then I'm very liable to be found at the fridge door in no time. I won't give any further advice because I'm trying barely controlled drinking at the moment and there are much wiser and more experienced babes than me to help you. But do make a plan!

MsGee good to see you back. at your DD! I'm glad you got through your sad anniversary and are coping so well with everything.

All fine here. Just had a really good morning with DD. We did a lesson that I planned last night which went really well. She's a delight at the moment; I think it's the novelty of being home after a fortnight away.

Joey sending you a cheer-up hug. Soma everything crossed that Albert's visit goes well today.

Waves to all Babes, old and new.

oh yes, somas new dog! I'd nearly forgotten - how did it go? That would really cheer me up Please send a photo if you have one!

limit good idea to think about what you're going to say to the GP.

I agree with the others- I have had similar problems with 'playing it by ear'. It doesn't work for me personally. Making a plan is good, as suggested by BProud. Or you can decide that you aren't going to tackle it today at all which means accepting that you are going to drink in your normal way. I am not making a judgement here at all, btw. Just don't want you to think you might be able to moderate by seeing how it goes and then find that you can't and feel disappointed and angry with yourself. You have choices and you are free to make whichever one you want today. Keep talking to us.

Limit welcome aboard. You have come to the right place.

Small, mini, tiny boing for me who drank a couple of glasses last night but stopped after that. Already, my sore tummy feels much better.

Thanks Grey I know I have come to the right place, Im grateful this thread is here

Bproud and water you are both right and I know the demon in my head has every intention of hitting that wine in the fridge later on, its a habit now..H gets home from work at around the same time as me, pours me and himself one and we start making dinner. I need to talk to him tonight and tell him about my GP appt on Friday and why I am going.

We need to tackle the amount of alcohol in this house as I am weaker in the evenings and do it by habit.

Can anyone with any experience of talking to their GP about their alcohol addiction give me any idea of what happens? will be prescribed anything or is just a straightforward referral to alcohol support teams? I have googled my local AA meetings and there is a newcomers meeting this coming Friday (how ironic). Can you just turn up to these or do you have to let them know you are coming?

boing!! ah! found you! i have been away again and couldnt find the new thread, que big panic! i cant do without you all being here!

drinking causes 'cancer of the soul' - oh yes yes yes! it also takes some time to 'cure' that cancer even after the drinking has stopped! i honestly find my soul growing daily, the peace of mind, the sureity of the next day, the quiet peaceful sleep, the lifting of the darkness around my thinking, the quiet peacefullness i find in my home when when i come in the front door (even though im surrounded by wedding madness, decorators, a stressed dh and 4 idiot cats ) - i think i had nearly lost my soul, the thing that made me me, i was becoming defined by the way i chose to poison myself, i dont want to go back into that darkness, tbh, thats exactly how i see my drinking (worst) years, a darkness that i was blundering about in, lost and frightened and crying out for rescue - i know that sounds dramatic and drama queenish but that really is how i feel when i look back, a dark place i felt i was stuck in!

to 'live in the light' sounds a bit bible thumpy to me but i cant describe soberity any better really, thats what being sober has meant to me, a clear bright light kind of lights my path (i know! boak! ) tbh im not that articulate about the changes that i have found, how profoundly my life has been affected by my soberity, dont know where this post is going really it started out as a bit of encourgement to our new babes but i got all intropective!

just a quick one about AA and 'god as you see him' - you can replace the word 'God' with any other one you choose, you dont have to be religious, you dont have to be a christian, as MIFLAW once told me, 'all you need to know about god is that you aint' him!' - i dont really have a strong faith one way or another, i have a fairly open mind, i think i have a spiritual kind of soul 'thing' and that i need to look after it better than i have done in the past, call me a nutter! if it works dont knock it! whatever works for anyone, whatever keeps them sober sounds a good idea to me!

limit, you can just turn up if you want to or phone the helpline number and they will arrange for a lady to meet you outside and be take you in!, you will be welcomed in, given a cup of coffee and a seat and proberbly a few phone numbers from other women - you neednt give your real name, or any name for that matter, you can just sit and listen, you dont have to say a word if you dont want to or you can spill your guts if that seems right, the choice is yours!

Hi Limit, I can really empathise with a lot of what you have written in your post, particularly about self medicating an abusive childhood. That's where my drinking originated too, plus I also believe I have a genetic susceptibility to alcoholism as many women in my family are also alcoholics.

Ok, so just to reiterate what other people have said, alcoholism is a killer illness so it absolutely is an emergency if you want to contact your GP for help.

Also, I really empathise with your concerns about the confidentiality aspect. I work for Women's Aid in the same small, rural community in which I attend AA (although I have only been to one meeting so far). The manager of the substance misuse centre where one of the local meetings is held is an ex-colleague of mine who will undoubtedly see me attending meetings at some point.

I discussed this issue with one of the women I attend AA with, and what she said to me was that a) the fact that I was going to AA meetings was highly confidential information that it would be a sacking offence for any proffessional to disclose, and b) many many people in all sorts of proffessions had drink problems and there was no shame in accessing support for that, and c) my sobriety was the most important thing in my life, because without it I would eventually lose my job (and everything else) anyway.

The conclusion I have come to is that I don't care who sees me attending meetings. I want to be well. No-one has the right to judge me for seeking support for something that has become a problem. You can't be sacked or disciplined for being an alcoholic accessing support. You can be sacked for drinking at work though, or for taking loads of time off due to drunkenness or being hungover.

Keep posting here Limit. You are taking the first steps towards getting better and that's really fantastic.

fuckit - just pmd you!

Ooooh, jesus is here :) Sorry, I realise you don't know me from Adam but I'm a newcomer and have made it my mission to read the past threads- I'm still on the first one and have of course wondered how it was all going to pan out and whether you were still involved with the threads. And here you are! It's rather like meeting a celebrity :) I'm going to continue reading the threads but it's great to see you are still doing your thing and taking one day at a time. Have you been sober all this time or have there been lapses? Sorry, I probably sound like a stalker!

hi water! despite my sleb status i will take time from my very busy glamourous life (today im cleaning the oven! ) to answer you! yep, been sober all this time! a day at a time, dont look too far forward, dont dwell too much on the past! i find its the only way i can do it!

How fantastically inspiring. Thank you for starting something wonderful and life-changing.

actually, i did down a glass of red given to me by a neighbour after i witnessed a hammer attack on my drive - i was frightened to see how quickly i took it, how quickly i drank it and the fact that i could very easily have had another one - it was a scary day all round!

water - its lovely of you say such nice things but i must point something out - at time i have found soberity to be an absolute trial, it has been a bloody struggle at times, i have had tears and trantrums and very low days, deep down i think there is still another drinking binge in me, it hasnt gone away, it lurks and still catches me unawares at times, i still have to do this a day at time, although it does get easier as time goes on i dont want anyone to think that i have some kind of 'magic wand'!

jesus I loved reading your post thanks very much I'm not religious per se, but am very openly spiritual as you are. Thanks for putting it onto perspective.

fuckit I also thank you for your post, its awful that we are both in the hell of "medicating" or trying to reach oblivion over our horrible childhoods I did read your post about your first AA meeting with interest and also liked how they didn't quite thrust the religious side down you one of my pet hates is people who "bible bash"

I get what you are saying about the importance of my GP appointment but I really couldn't face the guilt of taking an appointment from someone who was genuinely in need of an urgent appointment from them. I know my need is urgent too but it really can wait. Its been..what?.. 13 years? two more days wont hurt. I know that when I drink tonight I am going to savour the hatred I feel for myself with each sip. I know I will polish off the bottle and be sad there is no more there... I know I am going to want to go out and buy some more. I really do NEED to feel this anger/hatred and sadness at myself for becoming what I have become.

Today is the first day I have really acknowledged it.

I sense I am close to rock bottom right now and I genuinely want to drag myself from the precipice before I drop right into it.

By posting here today I am trying to make it real, prove to myself that I am now ready willing and able to face this demon head on for the first time. I am mentally starting to get stronger for this Friday, and I am planning on going to the AA meeting on Friday too.

I promise I will report back here.

I'm feeling a resolve I have never felt before, although I am worried, in light of my current marital problems; where this path is going to take me. I'm worried this is going to spell the end of my marriage.

fuckit I also wanted to say thank you for sharing the thing about your work. This is what I felt as I was reading what you wrote; "Yes dammit why should I be ashamed for seeking help for a medical condition?" your words made me stronger, I promise I have taken them on board. I am slightly nervous but I need to do this I know.

limit - it will be a sad thing if your marriage ends, a little less sad though than if your life were to end!

jesus it is far more important to me to get my life back, I know this and I want this, so much.

I love my H very much but he also has many unresolved childhood issues and I believe he drinks to drown them out; as I do. His childhood is also the reason for the underlying EA that is occurring in our relationship.

As I am making this first step towards getting the "real me" back I hope I don't lose him on the way but I have realised that I cannot help him unless he wants to help himself.

As I said earlier I am going to tell him tonight, I don't know what his response is going to be but regardless I am prepared to do this on my own. Its going to be hard living with someone who continues to drink every day though and I think I am going to have make hard decisions in the very near future if he is not in the place I am.

Limit I'm glad some of the things I said were helpful to you. I hope all goes well for you on Friday.

As far as your marriage is concerned, well I don't know you and I don't know your relationship, but you have stated that your husband is emotionally abusive. If that is the case then you may find that you are happier, more content, and more likely to stay sober without him.

Just focus on yourself for now.

soma please come on and tell us about Albert, I really need to hear something cheery - I hope he gets on with your cat and you can keep him

Thanks jesus. I get what you're saying, absolutely. I can see it hqsn't been at all easy for you as it isn't for any of us but I'm just glad you were brave enough to start the thread in the first place, because it has become so much more than one person asking for advice. Hammer attack sounds atrocious. I can see how it would be difficult for anyone to hang on to their resolve in such a situation!

limit you are doing a great and useful thing in posting here and in processing your thoughts. One step at a time.

Joey, Mia, Sarah et al - ALBERT IS OURS :) He wasn't really interested in the cat and she hid for a bit but then came out again and they sort of just rubbed along. And she hasn't run away since his visit either! So the rescue place said we could have him. Now planning what we need to get to make him feel at home and haven't felt so excited in ages. I've also just been to a lovely recovery group meeting organised by the local community drug people and met some very nice people. Just six of us so quite intimate but we connected very well. Would recommend that kind of support to anyone who's struggling.

Limit the community alcohol team won't divulge anything and if you see your GP, your medical records are absolutely confidential and no-one gets access to them without your say so. Hopefully when you see your GP you can expect understanding, solid advice and a real desire to help. I rant on about this constantly but alcoholism is a huge problem for the NHS and the sooner they can help people the better. And don't think your issue isn't an urgent one - you should see some of the reasons people book urgent appointments at the GP where I work - it's pathetic! You can ask about medications to help you (I bang on about antabuse but it works like a dream for me), naltrexone and acamprostate, although I find the latter doesn't really work for me. Go to an AA meeting and see if it helps you and make a point of posting here each and every day.

Today well done on your first sober night. What are your plans for tonight?

The BBQ is not optional :(

The friend holding it also has alcohol problems, worse than mine as she is unable to work etc. It is going to be a tough one. I am considering just walking in and saying I am not drinking, I have been drinking too much and want to get fitter. Anything I say/do will be noted by the children and I think this may be a fairly honest way of moving on without making it a big deal???

I was shocked by youngest last night - they are just not used to seeing me of an evening without a glass of wine by my paper/laptop. I do not want them, as I did, growing up seeing alcohol as an acceptable and effective coping mechanism for any kind of physical r psychological discomfort. Time to learn and then model some better ones I think.

Pain miles better today - no reason it just is. Odd isn't it? That is one reason for drinking gone. Husband still around and still thinking about what he wants to do. He will just put off a decision forever unless I keep on. Drifting is no longer an option for me. I have been down this path before but have more information and a greater determination to ensure I have main care of the children now. I am fairly sure they will stay with me in the event of a split. Still wish we could stay as a family though.

Limit - you sound as though you are a very determined person who has very nearly made up her mind to quit. Do you think you could be alcohol free tonight?

Try - where are you? Are you OK?

What brilliant news!! I'm so pleased for you, that's fantastic! When will he be arriving for good? I've got a big pleased grin on my face now.