The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Starting the Summer Filled With Luscious Mocktails.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse and I used to drink far too much. Too much vodka to be exact, then too much wine, then too much cider....... you can imagine how it went.

This Bus is full of people like me, and people like you actually. Sober people, drinkers, a few not surers, and those who are simply 'somewhere'.

The one thing that we have in common is that we can/do/did/will abuse alcohol.

Some for a number of years, some months, some for their entire adult (and before) lives.

The support here is for everyone. Those in AA, those who are taking medication to help, those going it alone, those with the support of others. We're all here for the same reason.

Why not come and say hello? We are all so very different in our every day lives but we all have a common theme.....

And, for those who want to see where all of this began 2 years ago, HERE IS a link to all of the past Bus rides.

Evening tis me, Mouse

Try - welcome aboard. Do you want to talk about why you think/know you've screwed up? There's plenty of us who have felt/feel the same.

Faire - brilliant post. I love that you've lost weight and feel so much better about yourself in so many ways, it's great isn't it?

It took me forever to 'click' that alcohol wasn't actually the answer to switching my head off, to keeping the many scary boxes tightly shut in my head, it doesn't solve problems, it creates them.

It takes, yep, you're so right there Faire it takes more than any of us could ever know. And it's relentless. It's fucked up, it's twisted and cruel.

BUT - for some of the time, 'it's' you best mate, all the answers to all of your worries, 'it' soothes your aching heart, head, plugs the holes in your life, makes you all kinds of promises, quietens the voices telling you to stop pickling yourself from the inside out.....

'It' can make you feel a million dollars, make you believe that you can so be that person you want to be. It's all bollocks of course. But we know that now don't we?

And on that lovely little preachy note I'm orf to Bedfordshire as I'm beyond cream crackered.

Sleep well Brave Babes xx

Hello Babes old and new and newish like me

Try Is anyone capable of loving another adult sober all day and every day? There are always flashes of irritation, aren't there? Or is that just me. Tell us what's up.

Mouse Brilliant thread title and good to hear about Nemo's lovely day :)

SAF Congratulations on the 2-month anniversary. Are we in for a bumpy ride, tomorrow, like on the Nightbus in Harry Potter (guess what I did tonight with DS)

Venus I am so glad that lunchtime drinking is a thing of the past.

Faire Blimey - so much to celebrate :)

Water You know I think that's a good thing. Be careful with the driving. At my worst, drinking did not stop me driving, something I am deeply ashamed of now.

Mia Your self-control is amazing! Making a sauce would have been an excuse for me to drink the bottle, never mind a glass, and merrily crack open the next.

The Northern Line was pants today and Moorgate was flooded. Floods in flipping June, I ask you. Bumped into an old mucker who suggested a drink. I pleaded Maths Homework and scooted off. I still can't get my head around the multitude of excuses I have to invent to avoid drinking. It's such a tricky balance. I mean if someone casually offers a drink, you simply can't go all glass-eyed and start burdening other people with your drinking problem. They don't want to know and I don't want to embarrass myself either. But lying just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

hopefully you can get to the stage where you say: "A drink? - Yes I'd love to come for a drink with you" Then you march up to the bar and you say "Wine? well, you go ahead, but actually at the moment I'm really thirsty and I'd love a big glass of Cranberry with lime and tonic. And so you normalise your choice to drink non-alcoholic drinks. PS Did you know that that is what some people do anyway? I'd never noticed it until I stopped drinking - I thought everyone in the bar was as pissed and desperate as me.

today you've disappeared for the last couple of hours - are you OK?

And the question: what's bets about not drinking? - well for me..... stopping lying to myself (that I was getting away with it, and no-one noticed the extent of my problem); stopping lying to my dp - especially when I had fooled him into thinking I hadn't had much to drink, and then I was bizarrely drunk on a couple of glasses; saving ££££££££££££££££; going to bed sober; rediscovering the delights of sex (while sober, and able to appreciate and relax and enjoy); having a healthy looking face (despite being plump and old); having the inner confidence to re-ignite a lost part of my work (and thriving on it); waking up after a proper nights sleep; becoming a part of a strange internet community that supports each other in facing, and dealing with, their alcohol problems - and actually that is one of the most unexpected and delightful things. There are some on here who have offered to come to my help in desperate moments, there are some with whom I feel and deep, deep friendship, and there are many about whom I care so much that I look on here several times daily (when I can), and about whom I worry when things are difficult / with whom I share a smile when things are going well.

Still drinking water. Will think about trying to sleep shortly. Don't feel pleased, feel very low.

Well done today that is a massive accomplishment. You may well not sleep well but you have done one day. Do make sure you have a little something to eat and maybe a warm drink to take to bed with you.

If you do find yourself awake in the wee hours you could always read the threads from the begining. That'll see you through the night for sure. Isinde is occasionally up with one or other of her twins and there are other insomniacs you might be able to chat with.

Anyhoo, I'm off now, night all x

Hopefully I don't think of myself as a person with any self-control whatsoever! I think it's that I'm establishing the routine now of not drinking for two nights. It was always meant to be the case but I only occasionally managed it whereas now I've done it for however many weeks, I feel like it's become part of the routine. I expect it, I don't dread it, and I've even started to enjoy those nights, which I absolutely did not at first. So then the incentive grows to drink less on other nights too. I'm finding it easier to have a glass or two on Wed and Thurs nights, whereas before I was chucking down at least half a bottle of white before I even sat down to eat. I'm still drinking too much at the weekends, without a doubt, but I do feel like Things are improving.

I could just be kidding myself in thinking that I can control it, obviously. I'm very aware of people's experiences of the interminable round of controlled drinking/failing/trying again ad infinitum. I might well find myself there again, in which case I'll reassess, obviously.

Today I am a bad sleeper too. If I've had quite a bit to drink then I fall asleep really easily, but then I wake up in the small hours and can't get back to sleep. If I haven't been drinking or I stopped drinking early, then I have trouble getting to sleep. I can absolutely promise you that your sleep quality will improve enormously when your drinking stops, it certainly did for me. Once you do get to sleep you will sleep more deeply and soundly without alcohol in your system. Could you bear to not take painkillers during the evening, and save them for bedtime? I personally find that the codiene kicking in has a slightly soporific and relaxing effect.

Night night Babes. Had a lovely day with DD today and I'm feeling happy and hopeful. xxx

Went to my first AA meeting tonight. The people were lovely. It's a mixed group of mostly much older people, but (and I hope this doesn't sound too awful) that has made me even more determined to stop drinking now, because I don't want to be sitting there in my sixties talking about how alcohol has ruined most of my life.

A lot of what was said really resonated with me. I've been given a load of leaflets and questions to answer, and judging by my scores to the questionaires there is no doubt whatsoever that I am an alcoholic. It still feels strange to say that though - as if I'm being a drama queen, but I shall have to get used to it I suppose. I've not progressed as far along the road to annihilation as some/most? of the people in my group, but I can see that does not make me any less of an alcoholic. I'm just not there... yet. If I carry on drinking, I will get there.

I feel a weird mix of apprehension and exhilaration. I don't like all the god stuff, but there are other atheists in the group so that's fine. They were just all so friendly - a couple of women in the group gave me their numbers in case I wanted to chat, and I'm definitely going again next week. This is the sort of support I need to get stopped and stay stopped.

Hello to everyone else on here - I hope you are all feeling well.

i'm so pleased you went fuckit how you found it and what it made you think/feel is pretty much exactly as it was for me. i remember a much, much older lady saying to me how brave i was and how she wished she'd done the same (this after asking how old my son is, he's 5) - she'd drank right through her children's childhoods and the damage was awful. like you i hadn't gone as far down the road as most of them but it didn't make me think oh i don't have a problem - it made me feel lucky that i hadn't had to go that far.

isinde - i don't even have a license - not sure you should have so much confidence in me glad you 'got' the heavy blanket bit - it just sank in it wasn't a high at all, it was a weight and in the direction of death rather than life, dark rather than light itms and doesn't sound too drama queenish. why would we want to weigh ourselves down like that? worth asking i think.

puerta rica might be a bit of a stretch sarah a glance at the weather doesn't seem to show any real sunshine anywhere in the uk but lots of flood warnings and heavy rain so i suggest we head for high ground?

today - well done! last night was a real achievement and i really hope you managed to relax and get some sleep

more trawling through clothes mountains today. have filled 4 bin bags with old clothes that can go so far. feel like i want this house and my life all ship shape and smooth running before starting the course in september. and with the constant pissing rain i may as well be getting on with house stuff. but yes, good growing weather and i managed to mow the lawns on sunday so at least that won't rocket out of control in all the wet.

< resumes building ark >

Have a lovely day babes

PS Isinde 8 days is brilliant, don't knock it my lovely, it's all progress x

Hi everyone. Slept Okish (I was exhausted). Youngest son expressed surprise I had no wine last night. Was very hard to get into bed with dh. Very tearful this morning. Just having a really bad patch all round really. Going to a BBQ tonight; and yes I am in wet England. Booze will flow I will feel stupid and it will be hard. Children and even my mother (!) going so will need to act act act. Crashing. Fighting everything on every front.

Morning today you won't have seen me around much, I am a long serving Babe, but at home today and like Venus I always keep an eye out to see how everyone is getting along. I am sorry you are feeling so low, but it is great that you managed to sleep and you made a great step forward yesterday by not drinking. How old is your youngest? It really leapt out at me that he has noticed that you DIDN'T drink.

I would advise that you miss the BBQ tonight, pull a sickie if you can, if your DM is going she can look after the DC so they can still go.

You need to PLAN for this evening though, even if you are staying at home go out now and buy yourself a selection of soft drinks and treats, make a list of things to do to keep yourself busy. If you feel you have to go to the BBQ take your soft drinks with you and claim you are on antibiotics.

See if you can get another day under your belt, that's how it works - one step, one day at a time.

Hi all, hope no-one minds me joining in. Have been watching these threads for a while now but always deluded myself into thinking I didn't have a problem. Fact is I do..and today is the first day I am really seeing it for what it is and have to do something to tackle it or it is going to kill me.

I'm 41 years old and my dependence on drinking started around 1999 when my marriage broke down due to my husbands emotional abuse and cheating. Firstly it began because I went out a lot more with friends and we drank a lot, to the point where I'd pass out and not remember the night before, lost count of the one night stands too

I cut right back for a while when pregnant with my youngest, now 8 but still had a couple a day. I realise this was absolutely dreadful now and feel enormous guilt over it. I managed to hold down a full time job throughout although took a five year career break after my daughter was born as I was suffering from depressive episodes (and my job was highly stressful) probably related to my alcohol use now thinking about it

I stopped going out, ditched the friends I used to see but resorted to drinking a bottle of wine at home every night instead. More at weekends. As the years have gone by this has slowly increased.

I am currently drinking two bottles of wine a night and I hate myself but cannot stop, I have tried and managed maybe one or two nights alcohol free but always end up going back to drinking again.

I am married again but sadly he is also a drinker who also indulges in a spot of emotional abuse and we (unspoken) encourage each other to drink daily. There are some marital problems, not surprising really and I am at the stage where I am considering leaving him as we are just not getting on anymore and I feel sad every day. Id like our marriage to work out but I am being realistic and after one bout of counseling we still haven't resolved some of our communication issues so it doesn't bode well.

My mother is an alcoholic and my Dad and stepmother are also big drinkers, I don't have any relationship with my mother anymore but when I visit my Dad there is always loads of late night drinking involved. I spent my entire childhood in care and my relationship with my parents has always been tenuous to say the least, when they visited me our time was mostly spent in or around pubs.

I was also sexually abused by my foster father from age 10 to 14.

I know I have probably been self medicating but now I feel totally trapped in a world surrounded by alcohol and I want to break free of it.

I am again in the full midst of a massive dark depressive episode and I know a lot of my current problems are related to my drinking. I have phoned in work today as I want to make a GP appointment and actually admit this problem to a real life person but I'm frightened about the implications for my job, although I handed in my notice two weeks ago and am leaving at the end of July. I want to tackle this before I start a new job in August. I cant live like this anymore.

When I go to the GP what can I expect? I don't want to drink again today but There is a bottle of wine in the fridge right now and I know I am going to drink it later.

So sorry this is really long, I didn't want to drip feed. I feel shamed and embarrassed by this problem, I look at other mothers with their kids and know I am not doing my best for my youngest daughter and really need some advice.

I am going to hit post now before I change my mind..

hello today sorry you are feeling miserable. I know how you feel, the last couple of days I've been very down. I just keep saying to myself keep hanging on, by the end of the week it'll be better.

I'm lying on the back seat of the bus with a cool cloth on my forehead. Come and sit with me - as proud says - one day at a time.

limitreached welcome aboard, you have taken the first step today, congratulations, you will get loads of support here.

I do hope you manage to get to the Dr and express what you have written down here - maybe you should print it out and take it with you. I hope you will be able to get the help you need, a referral to the community alocohol team and some counselling to help you to come to terms with your past.
You have a lot to deal with with, but I can assure you that drinking on it really doesn't help. i was drinking the same amounts as you and also suffered abuse in the past, stopping drinking has not made my troubles disappear, but kicking the booze has made me feel so much stronger and healthier in myself I can cope better with with all the other stuff.
Let us know how you get on at the doctors, you may want to try AA as well - see fuckits heartwarming post earlier in this thread...

today well done for not drinking yesterday. Like bproud, I would probably try to get out of going to the BBQ if at all possible. I'm sorry you are feeling so low but it will get better.

Hello limitreached thank you for sharing your story, I hope you know that no-one here is going to judge you. It sounds like there is a lot in your life that causes you stress and sadness but, as BProud says, alcohol will be adding to those problems, rather than helping to solve them. Going to the GP is a great place to start. You're taking excellent first steps in posting here and being honest.

Thank you Bproud for your kind words and encouragement. Managed to get through to GP but earliest appointment is for Friday morning, receptionist asked if it was an emergency and ofc I don't think it is..been going on for years now..few more days will make no difference I guess.

I did read fuckits post, she sounds so positive; in fact a lot of you ladies do on here which is why I posted really..having lurked a bit in the past. I envy you all that positivity and aim to achieve the same for myself one day I hope; just need to evict this demon from my life once and for all now.

I'm a bit nervous about community alcohol team involvement; my current job could easily be linked in with theirs, again I'm worried about the implications.

x post with waterlego, thank you too

I am doing ok with 2 days sober. For me, daily drinking has rarely been a problem. What I have an issue with is (to borrow a phrase from a lovely and very funny addict I met in a support group) that 'I sometimes hit the fuckit button'. My battle is not really about staying sober on a daily basis, but in not hitting that button when I feel tired/bored/empty/rebellious.

limitreached I agree that could be awkward but doesn't mean they can't help you/you can't be helped by them. At the support group I attended, some of the group facilitators were social workers. One of the service users worked for the NHS and I work with young offenders so we could easily come across each other in the professional realm. That scares me slightly but I know I'm not doing anything illegal in accessing a support group for addicts. I don't know if that's helpful as maybe your professional situation is more complicated. Perhaps that's something the GP could answer questions about too.

Hello...

hope you don't mind me climbing back aboard. the lovely Mouse let me know that the new thread was up and running, so here I am . Those who know me well probably figured I had a lovely heads up that the previous thread might be a trigger for me. Anyway, I am BACK!

Lovely to see lots of brave babes, at different stages. Big hurrahs to everyone here, those posting on their many years sobriety and those posting months, weeks, days or just in need of support to make today alcohol free. They're all steps in this wonderful journey .

All ok here. I got through the anniversary of the baby's death. I got me some Reiki. I decided to ignore my GP and not have counselling (empowering in itself). I am sober and I have cuddled my DD a lot.

I have drank on a handful of occasions. Not sent me back into a spiral of drinking - I could see I might need to be vigilant but to be honest the whole thing has lost its shine for me. I had a nice bottle of wine with DH on a night out recently our first in two years which was lovely. But otherwise I am quite glad I don't drink anymore - I didn't see the point the couple of other times I drank. And lordy do I chatter when I have had a drink! So I am coming up to three months of the new me and I don't want to go back to t'other one.

So its onwards and onwards here. Everything else is pretty much the same LittleMsGee is her usual uncontrollable self, DH is wonderful, in laws showing their true colours again and I have too much work on again. See - you missed nothing

Limit friday is a long way off, I would be tempted to ring back and get the urgent appointment. Your need IS important and your resolve may have faded by friday. We all worry about the confidentiality of the services offered (although I think this is unfounded) but you can't do this on your own, especially if your DP is not able to give you support, so maybe AA is the best bet for you.
In the meantime, get yourself prepared, buy the ice and soft drinks, start taking a B vitamin supplement and keep on posting here. You can try to stop or cut down on your own before your appointment as well, but do try to get an appointment before friday.

MsGee it is fab to see you back here and you sound so positive! How lovely to be able to share that special time out with your DH. I do like to hear about littlemissgee as well, it takes me back to my days with own little 'princess'

Ah thank you Bproud - apologies to everyone, might take me a while to catch up on who people are / where they are at! LittleMissGee really is a delight at the moment. Mind you she is getting a temper on her at the moment, kicked me yesterday. When she has time out in her room now she has a new trick ... stands on her potty step at the window crying (her window overlooks a path running alongside our guarden) - and cries out to passersby "I am all ALONE and NOBODY loves me. I want to be a good girl. SOMEBODY CUDDLE ME". I laugh but also wonder if we will get a knock at the door one day checking she is not being neglected. I also worry that she has that black/white thinking that I used to have.

Limit if you are worried about drinking today it is an emergency. Alcohol affects your whole life. Its a greater emergency that the people who will be telling the receptionist that they need to see the GP because they have a cold .

Hahaha, when she is a famous actress remind her to invite her BB aunties to her first night!