OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

oh please. Having young children being an excuse for an affair? Do you have any tiny idea of how ridiculous that sounds??

My STBXH said he 'couldn't bring himself to repair his marriage while heartbroken over the relationship (with OW) he might never get to have'.

One day he will realise that his choice to pursue her means that the very young children he couldn't be bothered to invest in either are the relationship he should have been heartbroken to lose.

FAMILY is more than getting your needs met at all times. It's about building a network between all the individuals involved that means over time you pull together deep and lasting bonds that serve all of your needs. FFS - I don't know why I even dignified that with an answer.

if you are deeply unhappy in a marriage you do something about it or you leave, tough shit if kids are involved.

Pancake, imo their relationship may well have been platonic. Mine is. I'm not happy about it at all, but equally not going to run off and have an affair. If I decide I can't live like it any more I will try and fix it, or leave. I kind of think the responsibilty was with him to have a bit more backbone, but thats just my opinion.

you're not going to be meeting your partner's emotional needs by screwing someone else behind their back how about that?

selfishness is without a doubt in my mind the prevailing factor in people having affairs. Having their cake and eating it/ making sure the new partner is good enough before they give up the first family/ having their ego stroked/ putting their own needs above the need of their spouse and children (including at the very least the need for honest communication and for being worthy of trust) and so on

Things are never as black and white or straightforward as you make out. There could be many different reasons for someone going into an affair... what if you feel completely unable to do something about it or leave, what if your spouse refuses to go to counselling or admit that they have a problem at all, what if they are closed off emotionally and will not talk or listen, what if the thought of leaving and breaking up the family is too much to think about ?

but having an affair is 'breaking up the family' essentially.

You're making out spouses are all concerned about their partner (who of course is the one with all the problems) wtaf has that got to do with fucking someone else behind their back?? How is that a solution in any way even by your own ridiculous argument

It's pretty black and white in my world yes - you marry someone= you make a promise to be faithful to them. you decide to change your mind = you tell the spouse so they can either agree to an open relationship or end the relationship, or you end the relationship yourself before fucking someone else. I don't buy all this bullshit.

also closed off emotionally - what could be more closed off emotionally than not telling your husband or wife you are currently embarking on or having a relationship with someone else

Caille you are spouting all the old discredited theories. You really are.

Lets take your scenario. Devoted H with frigid wife 2 small kids. So his needs aren't being met at all.

What the healthy man does, is find his bollocks, and open his mouth. She resists, he continues to state his truth. She resists, he warns her of the consquences. At this stage, wife is CHOSING not to hear.

Also, healthy man tends to realise the natural demanding helplessness of small children means that the needs of the adults take a back seat for this time. Do you know that birds visit their chicks every 2 minutes during every single waking hour of summer, with food? Is it right for the male bird to have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, because he isn't getting any 'attention'? If that is the level of 'man' you are attracted to, you go girl. WHEN you become a parent, your needs cease to count. They cease to count because children's wellbeing is more important. I had a broken jaw and severe bruising which never received attention - because I couldn't abandon my children who only had 2 hours of playschool. I couldn't fit in A&E waits, even though I was injured. THAT is what being a parent is.

But man with bollocks does the right thing. He separates. Then he finds 'happiness'.
But this scenario you outline is rather unrealistic. Becuase most wives (unless they have been profoundly sexually abused or something) do hear, and do meet the man halfway.

The more common scenario is the man RESISTS attempts from the wife to fix things, says absolutely nothing, bottles it all up until he snaps, then finds it easier to turn to a stranger for some fantasy bubble no-demands feelgood stuff. How is that male coping strategy the woman's fault? ESP is not something humans can do yet.
I also think men do not say anything because it means they have to listen. So if my H had said (and he did feel this) 'you don't care about me any more' in order to solve the problem HE WOULD have had to hear, and accept 'you don't listen to a word I say, you treat me like a housemaid and I have given up trying' - and done something about it. THAT is the bit men don't like....

It is complete avoidance and utter selfishness. As Shirley Glass says, it is the person giving least to the relationship who tends to have an affair.

"There could be many different reasons for someone going into an affair"

No, there is usually only one: That person is a self-centred, cowardly wanker.

There are many different reasons for problems within a marriage but only one for having an affair.

I always wonder if this part of the board would be so active in France.

Awwww what a top bird you are! I hope if my DH decides to let his dick have a wander it's with someone just like you!

Seriously, I'm not sure what you expected here. Congratulations on not being one of the many calculating OW? That leaves you in the category of the ones stupid enough to believe every bleeding heart word a calculating man tells you. Erm, congratulations...

OP i understand and i think plenty of people in RL do to. There can be an unrealistic utopia on here. I very much doubt that most of the world's population subscribe to it. Alot of stuff on here like 'misspants' are pure projection and fear.

I know lovely people who have had affairs and arseholes who haven't (as well as the opposite!). It's not all clear cut and your marriage is not the only way you are valued as a person.

Lovely people do not cheat on their husband/wife. Liars do.

They may be nice enough in other ways but they are still liars.

shameiseatingaway what utopia are you talking about? The utopia of expecting the person you vowed to be faithful to, to actually be faithful, or tell you before they choose not to be? I'm not sure I'd call that a utopia. I would call that a basic standard of behaviour in a relationship.

A minimum standard actually.

No, it's not the only one. I would also expect not to be verbally, physically or financially/sexually/emotionally abused. I would expect to have the right to leave if any of those things were occurring, and that my partner could leave me if they felt they were being subjected to any of the above. But honestly - not being cheated on is not living in utopia, it's what normal healthy people quite rightly expect from their relationships.

I wonder why you don't? Have you experienced being cheated on in a positive way, that means you are so sure that cheating can be a fair and reasonable thing to do? Please enlighten us if so. I'm sure it would heal a lot of hurt people if we could just understand how our sense of 'utopia' can be restored, despite the cheating bastards we married

Shameiseatingaway thanks for that diagnosis, I can stop wondering why I've been hand wringing and trembling now. I have the fear!
Perhaps you could elaborate as to what I'm fearful of? I'm not sure that not being overly sympathetic of the OP qualifies as a fearful response. I just don't 'do' self pity when the pity'er has walked into the situation with wide open eyes. Which she admittedly did.

I'm not saying it is a good thing, i'm just saying on the list of bad things it's not that high up there for me. Violence is, DV is, misogyny is, financial control is, as is serial philandering. However, i know a few people who have had affairs and thus a few who have been cheated on. Some have found out and not all fall to pieces. Not all ow/m are ostracised. Not all cheating partners are ostracised. If you did a sliding scale of bad man to good man, is his relationship with his wife his only defining charateristic.?

I just think there are many more variables than the women on here do.

Missypants you tried to use base language and a witch hunt mentality to scare the OP.

Callie every example you give is not a excuse for having an affair. Its a reason to leave.

Honestly? Witch hunt? Where? Maybe I was needlessly sarcastic in the first paragraph but I would imagine if OP has a thick enough skin to be an OW for two years she could appreciate a note of satire. Although as you have so nicely demonstrated satire isn't everybody's forte.

I'm sorry my language offends you, in the absence of the ability to edit I shall reword my post here and hope it is more pleasing to you.

"I do hope that should my DH ever decide to indulge in intercourse with anyone other than myself"

Of course I apologise to the OP if my post actually did scare her, there was certainly no intent to do that on my part. I'm rather confused that you interpreted it that way Shameiseatingaway, but I hope the OP had more sense than to do so.

At last shame you have given a more reasoned perpective on the situation unlike most of the narrow minded posters on here.
And Abitwobbly I don't believe I even mentioned any 'scenario' of devoted H and frigid wife... I would actually never call any woman frigid I just don't believe in that expression. All I was trying to do was show that you can't always automatically paint the cheating partner (male or female) as a complete villain. There are two sides to every story...

I'm certainly not narrow minded, I'm actually great friends now with the woman my XP cheated on me with for many years. She has never attempted to make any excuses for herself or indulged in self pity, she did what she did and maybe she feels shame now but I have a certain respect for her ability to own her behaviour and apologise. She did so once, we talked, found a mutual respect and moved on. We keep in touch now and we're able to laugh about the past.

I think if she had approached me with sentiments similar to your OP and tried to offer me 'advice' as to what may have been 'wrong' with my relationship to cause the affair I would have hit the roof! Admitting that she had behaved like a bitch and the XP had behaved like a bastard was honest of her.

You can't expect everyone to agree with your perspective, and I don't think branding everyone who doesn't narrow minded is the most open minded thing to do...

I didn't write the OP and certainly agree with you that offering advice about the other relationship would be totally out of order. I don't expect everyone to agree with me either... would just be nice to hear a few more reasoned posts like the one from shame perhaps