OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

Agreed, I wonder how the couple deal with the issue that both has been deceitful. Do they often argue over whether the other one will stray? Or do they promise never to use it against the other, or even know that they will never do it again because it such a massive fallout.

We are all in agreement that no marriage is perfect Stern, sorry that's why I put it in quotation marks but it did look ambiguous.

There are women who see a happily married man and target him, to try and make him feel less about his wife, to make him stray...what does it say about the mind of that woman? That one in particular has always interested me.

WRT the first question, I've seen the trust issue in second relationships cause significant problems. I've also seen some very sensible couples who come for counselling not because they are having problems, but to discuss how they will deal with trust when very evidently they had once both been untrustworthy to former partners.

Another situation that crops up nowadays is what I've nicknamed the 'Facebook sweethearts'. These are affairs that started between childhood sweethearts who've woven a 'soulmate' fantasy that they would never have been unfaithful with anyone else, so they regard themselves as a 'special case' and quite unlike normal infidelity. Of course, this is often not true and they have problems much like any other couple. The common difficulty with these relationships is that often, huge sacrifices have been made to be together and sometimes this puts disproportionate pressure on them to remain united, even if the fantasy has run its course.

WRT to your last paragraph, I think it's always worthwhile exploring why people of either sex are repeatedly part of a triangular relationship. There are so many reasons and appearances can be deceptive. Someone who plays the public role of a player or sexual siren often has deep insecurities, often linked to paternal and maternal relationships that are unresolved and get played out in adulthood with the hope of a different ending. Again a common theme is poor or non-existent friendships with people who value them for themselves and not their physical desirability.

I was at a work night out and watched as a 'girl' in work (who has a penchant for men in wedding rings) actively pursued a man who is married with two small children - she was quite relentless!!

I just think she has issues that she should deal with ... it was a terrible thing to witness

stern, I noticed that too. Why do some people suddenly see someone "like that" just because they've put their hands up her knickers or told her she looks pretty today or whatever these "plays" are? Why can't the person say - you're married so I'm not interested but if you go and get a divorce by all means come back to me after the dust has settled, instead of just moving seamlessly into their arms in the office and having it off in the office broom cupboard after work or whatever? People are not compelled by lust whatever their gender to stray. They choose to. It is not a hypnotic force. If I can turn down married men I don't see why anyone else can't. If married men or women choose to of course that is a different matter and as it's something like 30% of married people they are hardly a rare breed and never have been . You just hvae to read any culture's literature going back thousands of years and it is littered with plays about the topic.

They used to think the Amazon indians were pure and natural and happy and then found that 30% of the men have killed another man and most of the time it's over a woman, sexual jealousy etc.

Fascinating post, Stern. Thank you.

Sorry, I think that is fascinating because for me my husband has always dealt in triangles.

First it was with the dog.
Then it was the kids esp. daughter
Then it was OW.

His mother would communicate with her family by appointing a favoured child and telling them a secret. It would take about a week.

I so wish I had been a more whole person myself, to see the dangers of those early red flags.

Thank you Stern, I found your comment about 'sexual sirens' very interesting because when I was another woman, that was the role I played. And I have deep-never-to-be-healed scars from my father not loving me. (he used to say he loved my DB more because he was a boy.)

It makes me feel proud of myself that I realised I deserved better and am worthy of love. It's a nice feeling; because I am rarely proud of myself. So thank you.