OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

Do you know OP, the only person in this life we can control is our self. I know I will never be the OW, I know this because when I make decisions that effect others, even strangers I ask myself how I would feel in reverse. I would be crushed if my DH cheated on me, I would be crushed if my dad cheated on my mum and i would be crushed in the future if my boys cheated on their wives.

I know whenever someone posts that their DH has had an affair not to blame the OW, but that is a load of crap. Of course it is down to the husband to stay faithful to his wife, but as humans we have a responsibility to each other.

If my DH becomes unhappy in our marriage I expect him to tell me, not go running to another woman. If he did cheat on me absolutely no part of that would be my fault, no matter what. I am not an idiot, i know people fall out of love, but they should be respectful and either work through it or leave. A marriage is between two people and if it has to end it then so be it, but really OW and OM should wait for the divorce to be final before picking over the scraps.

I wonder now you have done this if you will ever have a truly fulfilling relationship, or will the guilt of what you have done taint your ability to trust anyone.

shithappens

Honestly?

It was a satisfying friendship (to start) but a shit relationship.
I can't honestly answer the 'will you trust....' question but I'll know some of the signs to look out for.
I never met his wife.
I got in over my head (emotionally) and had a lapse of judgement, believing his assurances that the separation was in process - it wasn't.

lunar I never thought I'd ever be the OW. I didn't intend to be. I made a mistake. I'm sure I'll pay for it in future relationships.

"I'm fully expecting a flaming ... My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere"

oh right, so it's the wife's fault.

thank soooooooooooooooo much for letting us all know.

he strung you along for years so I am not surprised you are acting like the victim, bless you.

the separation was in process for 2 years ?

really ?

you believed that ? or should I say went along with it ?

I would respect a person more who was honest.

Who said they were selfish, that the ego-boost was gratifying. That they knew it was all bollocks but they did it anyway simply because they could. That the deceit and the sex was exciting, and they enjoyed it at some level.

I have spoken to quite a few OW's off board here. The ones deserving of respect make no excuses for their behaviour.

"a lapse in judgement"? for two years?!?

a lapse in knicker elastic more like.

Scuse me while I put on the worlds smallest record player and play "My heart bleeds" for you.

I've been an OW before, when young and naive and craving attention, and it fizzled into nothing, he left his long term girlfriend (who knew nothing about his shagging about) and is now happily married with a child and we are very good friends still. I have my dp and kids and all is rosy there.

My sister's husband had an affair that started 5 months into their marriage, she found out by 12 months when, during a row she'd instigated to try and resolve their marriage, the pig was on the phone texting the OW the entire time and ignoring his wife.

My sister (the same one who was cheated on and heartbroken as a result) is now an OW to a man who is engaged to some poor cow who is oblivious to her fiance dicking about on her.

Some men are cunts. Some women are cunts and don't give a damn about who gets hurt in the process. I was a cunt when I was an OW but, as I say, it came good in the end. My sister's ex was a cunt, his OW was a cunt (she was a friend of them both) and now my sister and her current man are total cunts.

Hypocritical as it sounds I hate cheating, I hate the mess it leaves behind and I hate the fact it leaves the innocent party unable to trust anymore.

ListenBeforeJudging Sat 09-Jun-12 22:54:01

"And on rereading....yes, the last paragraph is badly worded. It's my opinion based on my particular experience (and some others I know about in RL) and not meant to preach or apply to every situation."

But you haven't got any experience of what your lover's marriage was like. All you know is what he told you.

In my rather young and naive days I remember going on a date with a guy (think I was 18) - at the end of the date he told me that he had a girlfriend but their relationship was over and they slept in separate beds. I liked him so I believed him. Two weeks later and at the point where he wanted me to go to bed with him, I got cold feet. It felt seedy because it was. I didn't tell any of my friends and I called it a day.

I do feel sorry that you have lost what felt like the love of your life but in a few years, when you have met someone new, I am sure you will see that he wasn't the love of your life and you will appreciate how seedy it was.

Hardly a coup de foudre or a love affair written in the stars, was it? It was a waste of valuable time with a waste of space.

Your mistake was in allowing your ego to believe that a spineless lying toad was the answer to your prayers.

It's your bad, honey. Suck it up and find a way of making amends for the hurt you caused another woman otherwise it's probable that karma will ensure that, at some point in the future, you'll discover what it's like to be a wronged partner/wife.

I agree with most of the post on here , I do think this woman knew what she was getting into , Im sure you would pick up some signals that it was more than just friends maybe some women have really low self esteem and feel better about themselves taking other womens husbands , many years ago I met a man who I went out with a few times after the 3rd date he told me he was married but his wife was more like a flat mate ! I was only about 21 at the time and was really falling for him , however I knew it was wrong to get involved with a married man so as young and naive as I was I did the right thing and hope my dd would do the same in the future if she's in this position .... Run a mile !

Stupid weak man. Should have left her .
With or without you in the picture .

I am sorry but this is a pile shit. At least the thread 'an affair..a perspective' the op says and knows there is no excuse for what she did and it was wrong. Your kinda saying and following it up with 'its the wifes fault'.
Its not the wifes fault, he should have left. Actually left, not nearly left, or left and gone back. But just left. It does take two years. The truth is he was leading her on. He didn't simply leave because he didn't want to. She thought they were trying to make a go of it. Which is why you were off and on. He didn't even have enough respect for his wife to cut contact with you while you were off and on. He led you both on and you fell for because you wanted to. You slept with another womans husband because you could and it gave you an ego boost.
Yes he was the actually cheating, but I agree with pp, as a member of society we have a responsibility to each other.
Also he wasn't terrified of leaving because her feelings. He didn't want to leave but he wanted to shag you. So he said that. If he have a shit about her feelings he wouldn't have had an affair and messed her around so long.
You got involved knowing her was married I find it difficult to have sympathy for someone who gets involved, knowing there is a partner who will get hurt, blames said partner and then moans about how this man is the love of her life.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Let me get this right, he lied to you about his "separation" from his wife and obviously lied to his wife about his relationship with you and here you are being all righteous about why some men cheat.

The only truth here is that you didn't and still don't know what that is, he played you, he played his wife and you played your self. Your only source of information about the state of his marriage was from him, someone who you knew and know to be an accomplished liar and he might have had moments of truth telling but how could you distinguish that from all the other times his lips were moving.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. Any man or woman who whilst in a committed relationship has sex outside of that relationship without their partners knowledge is a cheat, their actions defines them as one, not the lies/ excuses/ reasons they give to justify their unjustifiable behaviour.

I understand that you want your situation to be different (shades of grey, blah, blah, blah) and him being your "soul mate" means that your level of denial (despite everything that has happens) seems to be at such a high level still, where you feel the need to give advice about your not so unique situation.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore. suggests that you believe the unknowing share the responsibility in the poor behaviour of the knowing.

OP you played a knowing part in the hurt and betrayal of another human, accept that sincerely and move on.

"He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this."

Yes. I've been through this.

From the other side mind you, where someone with the same morals as you decided it was OK to shag a man she knew had a pregnant wife and small children at home. Of course I hold XH to blame as well before anyone trots out the usual comments about "only he made the vows".

"My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore."

Well, it would be nice if the "D"Hs in that scenario actually told their wife there was a problem before finding some tart to shag but [shrug] you're right. It's the wife's fault isn't it? Clearly.

Also, you only have one side of the story. Did he really try to leave her? Are you sure? Did he leave in the end or did she throw him out because he had been shagging you?

I did listen before judging.

But I still judged the same.

I would imagine the wife wasn't aware her marriage was platonic.

OP I would be of the view that you were single and you were entitled to go out with whomever you liked. Your ex was married and so he was the one at fault. You weren't responsible for the wife's feelings. It was he that betrayed her.

That said, I think you were very very naive. You fell for a whole lot of bullshit. The whole "our relationship is platonic" and "my wife still loves me and it's going to be so devastating for her if I leave" is practically written in a script it's such classic fuckwit schtick. He was fucking both of you at the same time and what a power trip that was for him - the OW hanging on, waiting, hoping for him to leave his "shit" marriage, and his loving, committed wife at home with no clue that anything was wrong. The idea that the wife knew things were bad and did nothing about it is ridiculously naive - I can't believe you actually think that. Her husband knew for a fact things weren't right - he knew he was shagging someone else - and yet he did nothing about it - how do you square that one?

Get a bit of sense pet.

That mentality pisses me off tbh. Just because someone is single does not give them the right to shag a married man/ woman and hold no responsibility.

The single person can't shag a married person unless the married person wants it. It's not like the single person makes the married person want them.

I hope every OW or potential other woman reads the replies to the OP and remembers the sage advice from posters who've been there and felt the pain. The wife, like so many posters, was probably trying to put her finger on what was wrong with her DH and vainly trying to mend the marriage on her own, while her DH was busily weighing the pros and cons of whose bed made the softer landing.
So yes it is the man who is to blame for not keeping it zipped and using the same old tired excuses to act on his feelings for you OP, but hands up how many of us have had feelings that have been or might have become inappropriate for someone at work or a friend. Guess what the responsible, adult thing to do is? Walk first then start running fast before you wreck some innocent person's life.
Perhaps when you have stopped running you might take a long hard look at yourself and why you thought your 'love' was so all-encompassing that it was ok to destroy a marriage.
Glad you've learned your lesson OP. It takes one person to lie and another gullible enough to believe the lies

Struwel - I honestly don't think a person can just walk in on a truly happy marriage and wreck it. It doesn't matter if you have feelings for a workmate - if that workmate isn't interested in cheating nothing is going to happen.

I didn't say they could could or it is all their responsibility. but its morally wrong, imo, whether your the married party or not.
You shag a married man and the wife finds out, is heart broken, marriage breakdown, kids effected. broke whose fault is it? The married person AND the bit on the side. Neither of which really care about who is hurt by their actions.

Thank you Lunar for your post.Have felt almost guilty for disliking and blaming OW so much.But why shouldn't I?She knew full well what game she was playing
In f act in our scenario she was the one saying 'I love you' to my DH,reorganising her schedule round his so they could 'bump into' him at work so often,and initiating the explicit texts and generally winding the situation up whilst her poor DP was completely unaware that she was feeling bored,frustrated and needing attention.
So she sought it from a married man instead of being honest in the relationship she was already in and sorting that out first.Selfish and cowardly just like the man in OP's post.And although OP may feel she was strung along she willingly got involved with a married man and chose each and every day to be complicit in his cheating.At any point she could have stepped away.

I get that Dprince, but often I feel the OW takes a lot more blame than she should. Often she is quite naive, like the OP in this thread, and is fed a load of lies by the man. The man knows exactly what's going on - he's the only one with all the information and so he is the one with the power. I agree that sleeping with a married person is morally wrong but blaming the OW for hurting the wife and children deflects blame from the man who actually has a sworn duty to look out for them.

It doesn't deflect blame off anyone. Its a shared responsibility.