OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

'we are not a homogeneous single poster'.

And who is the 'we', Choco? Those in the club? Think you just outed it.

My husband left me 8 weeks ago.... i have two young children, he now is "seeing someone else" I wrote to this woman told her what was happening, she still did it shagged him in our house, I did everything for him.

My advice to you would be, I hope you never have to experience the pain us married women go through when these useless fucks for men do the dirty!

It was a very brave post SJ and I think the reason that you haven't got a flaming is because you have, at least, acknowledged the fact that his DW doesn't deserve what is happening in her marriage, and that he cannot reconnect whilst you are on the scene.

What I would say to you, as someone who has been in your position (different set of circumstances, no problems in my marriage, or the two OMs) is that you need to acknowledge the harm you are doing to yourself by continuing this relationship, and get out of it as soon as possible. Yes it will be painful, but you need to do it, for you, for him and for the families that are involved in this sorry mess.

Good luck.

Why do I have the feeling I accidentally just provided a narcissistic supply??

oops

apologies. I regret engaging with you 40. Time to turn of MN I think and have an actual cup of tea...

What is actually wrong with you 40? You came into this thread from the off mud slinging, Very first post and continue to do so repeatedly.

Despite being bored, having so much to do, much better things to be doing, a real proper life, etc

SJ what teddy said.

No HoP, I came onto the thread to try to balance things a bit. Choco walked right into the 'club' thing. Bingo. So I am happy now. I'll come back if and when I feel like it, okay?

I know I shouldn't be enjoying this thread but I am

And am loving the fantastic job Imnot40 is doing on behalf of all the OW out there

Thanks Not40 and teddy - am pleasantly surprised at lack of flaming, sure there's some in the pipeline though!

I don't feel brave tbh, am actually a regular(ish) but have namechanged unsurprisingly!

I know you're right teddy, I do need to get out of this for my own sanity and gets out of his head so that he can get his house in order so to speak. I know of OW's who wait around for years for the guy to leave but there's always something, baby/wifes birthday/exams whatever. I am not gonna let that happen to me.

SJ - I wouldn't expect a flaming as you have not attacked or insulted anyone on this thread

Good luck in detaching yourself from OM.

I agree that the situation is harmful to you as well as to others. Having to lie, be secretive and the knowledge that what you both are doing is wrong must go against your values and beliefs. Good luck again.

You wont be flamed SJ. Why would you as despite a strawman.

You came on, were honest wanted to put your story out there. No aggression, no digs, no insults, no spite, no blaming anyone else, no attitude or bad tone.

Sounds like you are pretty switched on under it all and know the score.

"And I am not coming back to post again, I can't be bothered"

Hellooooooooo Imnot40

SJ I think ILove's advice is excellent, because it focuses on the damage this relationship is doing to you and your values as a person, an aspect that is often neglected in this debate.

Again as a feminist, I also think about the cultural pressures this man's wife has faced throughout her own life. Perhaps she would have wanted different choices herself if she hadn't been bound by the expectations of her family and culture? Or perhaps despite what he says, she loves him very much indeed but since he hides aspects of himself from her, he is not showing his true self to her and giving her the chance to love the real him? He is showing only part of his authentic self to her, which again takes away her ability to respond and make choices.

I wish you luck with ending this relationship and allowing your authentic self to come through too. I can see you're conflicted because what you're doing doesn't match up with the person you've always thought yourself to be - and like I said earlier, that's where the damage gets done to oneself especially if you are bringing up children to believe that lying is wrong and honesty is good. That split-self is terribly damaging to essentially good characters and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. It tends to infiltrate into other relationships and interactions until you become a bitter, angry person who deflects the anger with herself on to any and everyone else.

It might do you some good having some individual therapy to help you to detach from this man, bow out and then find out why you were vulnerable to this sort of triangular relationship. There are usually clues in childhood or past relationships, including the one you have always had with yourself.

Sternface - thank you for your post, I completely agree actually. It's a v patriarchal culture (aren't they all?). The fucked up thing is, I have always considered myself to be a feminist too - very much so. I believe I still am actually. I don't know her at all so it's hard for me to know how she feels but I imagine she does love him yes, but dislikes some of his behaviour - not without reason! I feel a lot of empathy for her, I know that sounds stupid but I do.

I have been in therapy my counsellor was great and helped me to see that even though what I'm doing is shitty I am not a shitty person. She actually didn't see it as that big of a deal , I guess this kind of thing is her bread and butter.

I don't know how relevant it is but my dh had kind of an EA last yeart with his best friend's gf and left, he now lives with her! But our marriage was pretty much dead anyway and I got over him leaving quite quickly, we are now all friends and they're both coming over tonight (I know, we're weird!). There's a thread about it from last year under this nn I think.

Thanks for your kind comments MAHC and HoP - I probably don't deserve them though!

SJ...how are you so confident about this: "I am the only person who really loves him and accepts him for who he is."

How do you know that the wife doesn't accept him for who he is, and that they don't have a really lovely marriage? I can't help but feel that it's a bit of a cliche. Is there another reason, other than his word, that you believe his marriage not to be a fulfilling one?

No judging by the way, genuine question.

Stern, I would like to concur with you. My H is very deeply ashamed. 'I am not the man I thought I was'. By choosing what he chose, he put deep pain in the eyes of his wife and his children every time they look at him. He also chose to throw away things like integrity, honour, loyalty, steadfastness, trust.
He talks of his affair as having destroyed and traumatised him.

SJ seriously, this is an addiction and like all addictions it blackens your soul. Go cold turkey - really.

To all OWs - I would like you to hear this.

He was the love of my life. We were so in love - too in love, really, and we went through so much together. He used to frustrate and hurt me with his refusal to face any problems I brought up, the ones where he refused to see that children need boundaries to be safe which meant that he had to step up to the 'mean' plate and not leave it all to me, that we never talked or spent time together, that he focussed on the children before me, that I was just a housewife an not a person to him; but I really loved him and lived in the hope that 'one day' he would 'see me' what I was trying to tell him. I continued to play my part in the team, even though he said he made more money and was more important than I was.

When he got a big promotion, changed and became cold and cruel I was bewildered and hurt. None of it made sense. When I asked him if there was someone else, he said 'no'. This was my best friend and the love of my life, why think he was lying. If I was such an awful wife and he didn't love me any more, why was he still here? If I said, 'OK if you want a divorce I will give you one', why was he suddenly nice to give me hope, then turn cruel again? Why did the 'reasons' why he didn't love me and it was no use going to counselling, make any sense at all?

So if that is a bad marriage and I am a bitch rather than he is a selfish avoidant coward, my bad. But that is literally what my marriage was like until he looked at you and you batted your eyes and winked your c t, and came into my life and became an intimate part of it without my knowledge.
I thought I was going mad, until I found you. I never knew heartbreak was physical until finding out that the love of my life was disloyal and betrayed my soul. There was a knife that stabbed with every heartbeat. I lost weight and became thin. It's called the Shock and Grief diet. I thought I was going to die from the pain. 'I thought you were my friend!' I cried to him (apparently that was what woke him up from his delusion. You got dumped in that moment). It absolutely hurts so much that you knew, he knew and I didn't know. It hurts that he preferred a stranger he didn't know, to me. And you know, I would like to ask you. I don't know you. What have I ever done to you? WHY would you help hurt me and my children, as much as you did?

Now he is really sorry, wishes he hadn't and doesn't want to lose his family, but that doesn't really help me and it does't really help you either, does it? So what the FUCK was all this for?

I hope you hear me and I hope you hear my pain.

BelieveInPink - because I knew him as a friend before we started seeing each other, we also have mutual friends who have the same understanding of the situation. Obviously from his side only though. I am acutely aware though that the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' is the oldest line in the book!

In this case though, I do believe there is some truth there.

Wobbly - so sorry for your pain. And you probably have a point about the addiction thing.

I also wanted to say that. Did anyone see that film 'The Best Exotic ... Hotel'?

This bit killed me. Where Judy Dench found out that she didn't know her husband (debts) and Manoj's wife knew all about her husband's male lover and STILL accepted him for it.

I sat in the dark theatre and cried and cried. In the bible there is an ancient word for intimacy: to know.
In his affair I learned I didn't know my husband. Despite our vows, despite our mixing our blood to eternity, despite our struggles and our triumphs together, he has a secret part of himself that he kept away and shared with someone else who I don't know. It is so painful. The damage is so much more than sex!
And the advice books say to a man: in order to heal, a cheater must be completely open and above board. Patiently answer ALL questions, no matter how many times they have been asked before, because each time they are looking for a different piece of the puzzle and together you can fill in all the missing bits and trust eachother again. Know eachother after the secrets, and you will be better than before.

In South Africa a beautiful asian bride was killed and now there is a trial. There are allegations of gayness etc. Again, family pressure. How did he know she would never accept him?

And, to be honest SJ, the only way religion and culture is changed, is if they are respectfully challenged from within. Martin Luther did, and Europe moved from the dark ages as a result of the Reformation. THAT is your friend's life task, not to run away from it. He needs to gently talk to his wife. Who knows, she might feel a bid under obligation as well! She might also want to have hot fantastic sex.

I do empathise wobbly. I was with dh for 12 years and feel like I didn't really know him at all. But don't we all have parts of ourselves that no-one else knows about? Even those closest to us.

I don't feel in a position to get into a discussion on the hot potato that is religion and culture but I do take your point. It runs so deep though that any change would take lifetimes. I'm not saying it would be impossible for him to be completely transparent and authentic with his wife but it's a massively complciated situation. And I really don't think it's much to do with their sex life, not that he really discusses that with me. Actually he never slags her off or bitches about her, I wouldn't be happy if he did tbh, although I know that's ridiculously hypocritical!

Whatever this stupid sign means I meant every word of my earlier post:
'I may nc but I do not come on here to shit stir or be nasty to anyone. I have not made anything I have posted up and lastly and I am most definitely not obsessed with WWIFN...'
Maybe someone would be interested to hear about how much pain I am going through right now and stop treating me like sht

I asked what your problem was? Did you report me? I'm not in trouble. You'll find your last post shall be removed as will my reply to it as you can't help being spiteful and bullying named posters. Irony.