OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

But Lurking That could be years away. I will do the right thing for my DC but I want to be completely honest and say it is hard.

Elephants - you need to make clear to your H what your intentions are. It may be best to set up your own thread as I think you will get more help as this one has turned into a bun fight?

elephants - you need to see CAB/solicitor to find out more about your finances if you were to leave him. You may be surprised and realise you can manage on your own.

melbie I have told him, again and again, and at Relate, he doesn't hear me. As far as he can see whilst we are still living together and married then there is hope. Bizarrely (sp) if he met someone else Iwould be happy to confirm to them that we aren't in a relationship. Not the best thing for the DC though is it? I have lived a few years like this, I can manage a few more

Mad I have looked into it, I cannot see how it is possible right now. I have been a single parent before and coped on very little so that doesn't scare me but I also have to be realistic. It will happen , I just have to make sure that it happens as soon as it is possible to.

Anyway, sorry for the hijack, I don't think this was the right thread for my moaning and whinging, which is actually small fry compared to what others are going through.

Elephant - your only risk is that if you say it's over and you want to see other people, he might use this against you and say you have been having an affair or you're looking to end it so you can be with someone else. He will take away from the fact that he has signed out of the marriage and will take no blame. Potentially.

I would stay clear of any talk of other people until the seperation actually happens. That way your reasons for leaving can't be twisted or refuted.

Elephants I don't know the reasons why your divorce will be years away - why can you not move out now? I am not saying I myself won't be in this very situation in years to come - but that is the heart of the matter. With the exception of some situations (I cannot make blanket statements which apply to all relationships) I would say that if you really want the freedom and independence to pursue another relationship you have to do it from a "no going back" position. That means moving out however hard that may be and starting out on your own. How can it be any other way? (sincere question)

*Separation. FFS

I also couldn't see anyone else if I was still living under the same roof as my husband, whether it was over or not. It would still feel like a betrayal even though it's not.

'I think if you tell him your marriage is over and you are going to start seeing other people and have that conversation with him then I don't see that that would be wrong. As long as you are very clear to your husband that it is over, there is no going back and you in no way give him any idea that you are still in a relationship with him. If there is really no way you can move out then maybe that is the way forward. Just my view'

These are exactly the circumstances in which I became an OW, Elephant. I spelt it out, I said I wanted to separate, he wouldn't listen and wouldn't accept it. My mistake was not to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. If you are decided your marriage is over and you are going to see someone else and you have told your H, then it is probably a good idea to see a solicitor. For me, my H saw that we were still as married as we always had been, as we had not divorced. Technically, if marriage is a piece of paper, he was right. And yet I felt that ending the marriage by telling him was enough. He did not agree, and he would have remained in that stance for 5 years. If you go down the routre of seeing someone else, you need to be clear with him and see someone to help guide you through.

lavender Financial reasons. With the best will in the world I cannot magic money nor a house out of thin air, believe me if I could i would. I am not working but have a few ironsin the fire (is that the right phrase?) so hopefully that will change soon, but I am low priority to get council/HA house (4-5 year wait) and DH will not move out. ( I am regularly looking out for private LLs that will accept HB) So I need to get myself a job and then go from there.

Believe exactly, which is why it will stay a fantasy in my head

I don't think Elephant's circumstances are exactly the same as yours 40.

For one, Elephant might decide that any relationship she pursues will be with an unattached man, reasoning that just because her own marriage is over it doesn't entitle her to contribute to another's demise.

And it's very different saying to a husband "As far as I'm concerned our marriage is over" and saying "As far as I'm concerned our marriage is over and I've met someone else with whom I'd like to have a relationship/intend to see other people".

The last statements are honest about one's intentions. In a marriage that could actually be saved, this could have the effect of waking the partner up to what he might lose if he doesn't fight for his marriage, or making him realise that it's beyond redemption, therefore allowing him to move on himself and see other people too.

If a marriage is really over, there's no need for secrets or deceit - and there's certainly no need to be an OW or OM. That's a very different choice.

Actually Stern, they are pretty much a mirror image.

How do you know how similar our experiences are? Were you there? Are you me? Are you Elephant? Do you know either of us in RL?

Oh I have no plan on becoming anyones OW, what I was trying to say that I can see how I would end up with an OM (unattached definitley) and whilst I wouldn't think it was being unfaithful (on account of telling H our marriage was over) H would definitely see it as being unfaithful because he hasn't heard what I have been saying and probably never will.

They are not a mirror image, as Elephants has so eloquently explained. The big difference is that she wouldn't countenance an affair with an attached man, whereas you did. The similarities might be in the health of your respective marriages, but that's only part of the story. It's not an essential requirement of an affair to have one with someone who is married or in a relationship himself.

Elephants - I understand exactly what you're saying, but in those circumstances it might be best to sort out a legal separation while remaining under the same roof so that there is no room for misunderstanding or failure to listen. I certainly don't think you should be expected to live in misery for another 2 years and while it obviously makes better sense to live separately now and go straight to divorce and a clean break, I'm aware that this is sometimes unachievable financially. Just make sure you've got the correct legal and financial advice when making these very difficult decisions.

Fine, so my advice is the same as Stern's but not valid because I am an OW.

Says it all. I am bored now.

I expect other posters are getting bored with your petulance and wilful misunderstandings 40.

The fact that you were an OW has nothing to do with the validity of your advice and in fact no-one suggested that it should be dismissed at all.

I simply disagreed that your circumstances were a mirror-image of Elephants', which is an observation based on factual accuracy and not opinion.

Elephant - with reference to your post of Wed 13-Jun-12 12:16:50

• whilst you are under the same roof and he is getting the benefit of your care of the children etc and you are getting the benefit of whatever he contributes to the marriage (aside from his shortcomings) there is still some kind of contract. I know some people live very separate lives under the same roof but I still think - break the contract first properly - see a solicitor. Get the ball rolling. The end of the marriage might give you the resources to take the next step to live independently (or at least the freedom to take the next step accommodation wise). Once you are standing on your own two feet away from the home and separate from him financially then there is real freedom to find someone else. I realise you (and others) might disagree with me on this so I just say it is only my opinion about how to do things with respect.

I see that this thread has moved on to a less productive angle now but I would still like to tell my story if anyones still interested! For the last 3 months (although I have known him a lot longer) I have been seeing someone who is married with a young family. Although he is cheating on his wife I believe 100% that he is not a bad person. I know he loves his wife but there are some serious problems in their relationship, none of which are her fault, just the way things are. Their marriage was not 'arranged' as such but he was heavily pressured into marrying fairly young by his family and was introduced to her in a formal way by their parents. I know he did marry her because he loved her though, it's complicated.

He is a different culture to me and there are certain expectations from his family and community that he feels he can't live up to. He is really conflicted, he doesn't want to lie and cheat but at the same time I am the only person who really loves him and accepts him for who he is. He has always been a bit of a black sheep in his family, they never approved of him and just don't seem to get him at all. He isn't really living a life that is true to himself. He drinks (not like an alcoholic, just like a typical 30 year old guy), has white friends, loves Western music, films, tv etc and doesn't identify with his religion in the way his wife, family and community do at all. He feels trapped, but at the same time he loves his wife and dcs and doesn't want to hurt them. He has been lying to his wife for years about his lifestyle (drinking etc) and they don't have anything in common, no shared interests except for the children. He spends most of his time at home when the dcs are in bed in his study on his own and they only really seem to have the dcs in common. He says he's never cheated before and I believe him (maybe I'm just naive though, I get that).

With me he gets to be exactly who he is, the things he enjoys he can share with me instead of having to hide them. It's not about sex really (although I'm not gonna lie - it is amazing), it's more an emotional thing, we make each other laugh and confide in each other. I absolutely adore him and it makes me so sad that he can never be with me. I will never encourage him to leave his family and I never put any pressure on him to see me. I know it sounds weird but I do feel a sense of responsibility to them as a family in a fucked up way. And yes I do know we're not Romeo and Juliet or anything, but I know we do have genuine feelings for each other.

FWIW, I do feel terribly guilty about his wife, and especially the dcs, I am a woman and a mother too and I often feel disgusted with myself for what I'm doing. I know I might come across as trying to justify it but I'm really not, I know it's wrong - I never thought I would do anything like this but here I am.

Anyway, like I said I really don't believe he is a bad person and neither am I. I fully expect a flaming and I'm sure I deserve a lot of what's coming. I too thought the last comment in the long departed OP's post was disrespectful and inflammatory, as well as being incorrect. I know this fucked up mess is in no way his wife's fault, she doesn't deserve this and I hate myself for it. I am going to end it very soon, just kind of steeling myself for it really. It will break my heart but I know it's the right thing to do, he has to see if he can reconnect with her/his family and he won't be able to do that while I'm on the scene. Am honestly not looking for sympathy btw, i know I don't deserve any! Just wanted to share my story really.

Wow, this was posted a whole ten minutes ago and no flaming yet...I was going to warn you to duck SJ, but I think the OW-bashing club members are having their AGM so they align their reactions, assess exactly what kind of OW you are, and get the DEGREE and TONE of flaming right.

It won't be long in coming though, so do be sure to duck : )

And it was a very brave post btw

FGS 40 you are every bit as offensive as this fictitous 'club' you are banging on about, we are not a homogeneous single poster. And you do not represent every OW on here

Choc, you may call me offensive all you like. I will throw mud when it is slung at me. I think that's fair enough. And where did I say I represent every OW? I missed that bit.

Wow you REALLY want a fight don't you? Please stop, it's pretty sad.