Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

He had kids with his first wife, and was fair to them, saw them twice a week. I think he'll be OK with them. He 'thinks' he's a great father.

All the passports etc are in a filing cabinet, I may clear that tomorrow.

Do you think he is a great father?

The door is a security door so not sure how I can get an extra lock. I may start using the back door as he doesn't have a key.

He's OK but I don't think he's as good as he thinks he is.

Not much of a role model, though, especially if you have sons.

What a prize he is! Sounds like "he isn't as good as he thinks he is" across the board!

You have acted very well so far, you are the one with all the power at the moment. You need to secure the paperwork, the money etc. I would call your lawyer friend and ask her to draw up a separation agreement of not get the ball rolling on the divorce straight away. You will be entitled to maintenence from him for the children and you should be able to keep the house. Are you renting or do you own?

We own (well mortgage). He has a good wage, would I be able to stay here with the kids do you think?

Did his first wife get to do that? If so, that's how it could go this time. See that solicitor asap. I hope he has deep pockets.

No, they sold the house first time, but very different circumstances. Our kids are a lot younger and he's a lot better off finiancially.

It really depends on the children, will you be able to make a case that you should be the resident parent? Have you done most of their care over their lives? Does he work longer hours than you?

If you can get residency of the children I am fairly confident you will be able to stay in the house and will definetly be able to claim maintenance from him.

I'm assuming his children from first wife are grown up? If so you will be the only claiment for maintenence and should be able to get 20% or more of his salary.

I've never returned to work since having the kids. Do a (very) part-time cover job at the school. Yes, all kids grown up.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Calculator.html

So sorry to hear this He sounds so cold. And a selfish git with a huge ego.

Take care of yourself and try not to let him manipulate you as you may feel vulnerable once the shock's worn off?

Thanks for the calculator. Not sure what his expenses will be, but did it without that and it looked doable.

Oh no Music- I was lurking on your thread this morning before going out- so sorry it's turned out like this.

Are you able to contact the bank today to protect your finances? He sounds cold and calculating enough to try to make things very hard for you. Are you sure you're fully in the picture about finances?

I wouldn't tell him how you know or what you know. He's clearly angry because he's been found out, not because he's innocent- he wanted to control this, he wanted to get his ducks lined up before dropping a bombshell on you, and now things are not going his way.

The way he has talked about your children is appalling- all about what's comforting for him, not a word about how devastated the children will be.

What are you up to now OP?

Nothing really. Am going to tell one neighbour just in case I need someone if he turns up. Other than that, I don't know what to do.

To follow up on what Inertia said about him being calculating, don't forget that he has been through all this before. He will have an idea in his head of how it all goes and he has no reason to suspect that you won't be as 'difficult' as his first wife was I.e. that he will fight hard for himself and what he believes is 'right'.

You were the OW once but now you're the one who has been wronged and you need to realise you're up against a pro.

God it's shit isn't it but men who have affairs will just lie and lie and lie. Don't believe anything he says. It sounds stupid but I had a brief thing with a guy like this once and it took MONTHS for me to click that he was probably lying to me about having ended his previous relationship before we met, given his record :(

What usually seems to happen next is he admits the bare minimum.

Do you know the OW's H or have a contact for him?

I think you should tell him too.

Music, I felt the same about it not being just about the physical stuff with the OW, it was the lies and the way he treated me. I couldn't get my head round how disloyal he had been and imagining them talking together about me and our family. Still makes me sick when I think about it. I thought we were soul mates.
How stupid was I.

Wish i could take the pain away from you.

Make sure you eat well and don't drink to much gin

Well what goes around comes around and now you are seeing what you did to his first wife.

There had to be one didn't there
Op you are handling this with such composure, I wish you well.