Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I sent OW'S emails back to her with my own choice message so that she knew I had seen them.
Still thinking of you...try to remain dignified, I know it's hard but it will shock him

Thanks. I'm surprised it took this long to have one of those.

Ignore them music, you have oodles of support here.

Isla I thought your post was aimed at my no gin comment

Hindsight is a glorious thing, if only we had the skill from the age of about 12 eh?

Novak has been weird and kind of mean on every single thread I've seen her on.

Ignore her.

Music, sorry to hear your instincts were correct...I had very similar experience with OW who was close friend of ours his, a year ago. Within 2 weeks of asking him to leave our home to think things over, he had gone off camping with OW and her 3 children, the brassneck of the pair of them - clearly not having any children's interests in their mind!

You are handling this very well so far. Do NOT trust anything they say, he will be on the backfoot as you have rumbled his game early but he no longer has your interests at heart so please play your cards very close to your chest.

Look after yourself, eat and sleep as much as you can. tomorrow the shock might hit you more ... and the gaping realism opens up. I really feel for you but MN helped me through and I know it can do the same for you. You will get good advice and so many of us have been through same and feel your pain. x

Was hoping from reading this morning that it wouldn't turn out this way

Jog on, Novak, and take yr judgypants with you. Now is not the time or the place.

Good luck OP.

Music, I am saying this gently, but you really are now going to go through what you did to his first wife.
It isn't judgement, it's not 'one of those', but nobody can escape their consequences - not even in a society that says God doesn't matter any more.
We are all flawed human beings, we make mistakes, and pain is what teaches us when we wilfully put our needs and desires over the wellbeing of others.

Very helpful Novack

I know abitwobbly and I think about that every day believe me. It's a part of my history that I've never liked. x

Abitwobblynow How is that helping Music?

It's OK Shelly. I understand people think that way. All I can say is at the time I was young, on the rebound from a serious relationship that had broken down and was flattered when an older man took an interest in me. I have never been proud of it though.

Abitwobblynow, whilst I don't entirely disagree with you, it wasn't really what Music did to his wife, it was he who did it, who betrayed his wife. And did so again.

Thanks for that perfumedlife

Sorry but actually I don't see it that way. My xp's OW did nothing to me. I wasn't sleeping with her or having children with her. I was doing that with xp and he treated me like absolute dog shit not her. Even though I felt she was a formidable tigress of a step parent to our dcs (xp is a shit father) until he cheated on her and left for current (mousey and pointless) gf.

I'm sure we have all done things when younger and naive that we regret in some way now we are older and wiser.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to come onto musics thread on the very day she has discovered her husband affair just to put your point of view across?

Xp is the common factor and yes, getting involved with someone who is involved isn't a nice thing to do but people rarely do it deliberately, not like shitbag affair havers who cheat in full knowledge and with full choice over it and I say that as a person who has cheated in relationships too.

I would be fighting the urge to tell the OW's husband, get it all out in the open

You sound like you're coping really well so far. We're all here for you as the shock wears off though

Thank you Offred and all of you, even the negative comments. x

I know abitwobbly and I think about that every day believe me. It's a part of my history that I've never liked. x

And that [thoughts and emotions] is what makes you a good person, Music xxx That you care enough to have empathy. We are all flawed and we all fall short. UMNtty hug to you.

Shelly if you want mindless loyalty don't come looking for it with Wobbly. I think we should all strive to be the best human beings we can, and to admit our failings, and how we have hurt others. Because therein lies our humanity. As Music very touchingly said. She knew I wasn't pasting her otherwise she would not have written the caring humble thing she did. And IN THIS space Music gets to be forgiven (compare this to the attitude of MR Music who has thought of none of this, clearly). to Music.

Perfume and Offred, that isn't quite true, is it? OWs are not helpless puppets or barbie dolls they are cognisent human beings who also are aware, and also make choices. They are responsible for: making themselves available to a person who is unavailable (because that is what marriage means), for putting their selfish needs over other people who have more claim (especially children, see Mr Ms delusions), for encouraging the betrayer and for helping them lie and betray. No more, and no less.

As Linda J Macdonald (an affair specialist) defines the triangle;

Faithful spouse ' The spouse who did not step outside the marriage for sexual or romantic fulfillment...Not to be confused with a perfect spouse.

Unfaithful spouse: The partner who sought romantic or sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage... Not to be confused with an unredeemable or inherently evil person.

Affair partner: The other man/woman who was involved.... Not to be confused with a harmless friend or victim. He or she is equally responsible for the affair that ruptured your marriage, no matter who seduced who first'

Id find out who the OW husband is and send him the email. I dont know what happened between you and your "D"H when you got together, but im not going to judge you. We can't help who we fall for, but you CAN help but be faithful once you have settled with someone and had children. As it has turned out, and you have found out to your cost, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else. The OW is also selfish in this instance because she too is married. He is the one mostly in the wrong, but she also has a family i assume, is she to just up and leave them or uproot her kids and take them away from their father. Or does she view them simply as "complications" too.

Keep strong and keep posting x

Oh dear.
So sorry for what you are going through.
Not much I can say that hasn't already been said.
Just wanted to send my best wishes and my support.
Hugs. Xxxx

But anyway: how are you Music? Are you alone or do you have support? At the moment you will feel numb and calm, make sure you stay on MN/talk to your Mum because the crash will come.

One thing I would advise, is rehearse what you are going to say to Mr Music. Please don't be like me and scream blue murder/go nuts. All that did was give him something to react to and defend against, ie, put the focus on ME.

If you rehearse what you are going to say, you have more chance of staying calm and not getting sidetracked. (It is staggering how we think of men as more simple as we are. I have NEVER met anyone as good as twisting it on to me/putting out a red herring as Mr fukinWobbly).

Also: this is not the time to make decisions, when you are shellshocked. So say to him 'unless you are absolutely sure you want to turn your back on another family I do not want to make any decision until I have absorbed this, so can you leave me alone until September (3 months is the rule of thumb).

NOTHING takes the shine off an OW's twat than it being constantly available/she knows he is all hers!

Work on keeping the focus on him and his behaviour and his choices. Good luck xxx

I think the point is this.

Music has learned the hard way way that "if he's prepared to cheat on her, he may well do the same to you."

The trouble is that this advice is coming 15 years too late.