Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Pissy - the OP is talking about when her husband's first wife found out about his affair with the OP (I assume) many years ago.

So what did he do when his wife threw him out way back when, OP? Did he come to you?

Went to a family members then h's company helped him get somewhere temporarily (we lived a couple of hundren miles away from each other).

Sorry, my misunderstanding.

And if it does all read like an episode of jezzer please don't forget it is all his doing, not yours.

Take care of yourself and try to use this phase of adrenalin to sort some of the practical stuff.

Packed his suitcase, so that's one thing done. Not sure I have enough to tidy the house though, if only.

plenty of time for house tidying later.

Do you know where your mortgage deeds and certificates etc are, are they all kept together?

Anything slightly embarrassing you can add to his suitcase? Many years ago, after I finally came to my senses and kicked out a bf, I left some of his belongings out for his toxic parents to collect on his behalf. I made sure his stash of porn mags were accessible for them!

Couldn't read and run. Very sorry it's come to this, love to you and your children.

Well, he's just turned up. Called my friend asap. He said a few things (from the other side of the deadlocked door), denial (of course) then let him in as it was his house (I said, no it's our house), then 'who told you what' - he's very confused how I know I think so I'll let him sweat on that front. He kept asking to be let in but I didn't till my friend turned up. I've told him when he admits it we can talk. No tears though, he was fuming - hmm that he's been found out.

My have to tell one of the neighbours just in case he turns up and I need someone lose by.

Has he gone?

Yes. shaking his head and muttering my madness under his breath.

Good, how are you?

Erm, OK. Got a bit teary on the phone to my Mum but holding it together still.

You are dealing with this with utmost dignity. TBH id let him know how you know, i don't think this man needs to be stewing, simply because he sounds like he could take it out on you. Get yourself a lawyer as soon as you can and keep your friends close by.

I find it quite telling that he didnt get upset or put up much of a fight to stay. If someone was kicked out for cheating and they havent cheated then they would protesting their innocence, crying, begging, offering proof of their innoncence etc.

He didnt. He got angry, demanded to know who has been telling you things and then left.

Even without the emails he has shown himself to be as guilty as hell.

I may send a copy of the e-mail to them both on Monday morning, letting them know together (aaaaah).

Yes, have that in mind music. Be kind to yourself. Keep your distance from him and don't engage.

Add a note to them both that this is word for word what he told you about his first wife, so he might want to save it for when he dumps OW for the next one to save him writing it out again

You're doing really, hopefully he will stay away now and let you have some space.

I wouldn't be telling him anything, not about letting him stew more so that he caused this so let him work it out.

Did you give him his suitcase did you shit in it?

I wouldn't do that, I would keep completely silent on how you know and what you know. Firstly it will drive him mad and secondly it reduces his options for damage control and lies. If he doesn't know how much/ little you know, he won't know what to cover up.

There is a part of me that loves that it is driving him mad not knowing. When will the enormity of it kick in?

You are allowed to feel like that music but it shouldn't be the main aim. The main and legitimate aim is to prevent him taking control of your reaction and trying to create a big shit storm of fighting to deflect responsibility.

You're not at blame, what ever reasons/excuses he comes up with. He chose to do this to your family not you.

You need to stay practical, did you manage to find bank account details, passports etc yet?

Did he have children with his first wife? Did he behave decently towards them when he left? This might give you a clue as to how he will behave towards your children now.

Agree - don't tell him anything.

Get an extra lock on the door (as you will need the extra security now you are the only adult in the house, after all), get legal advice and stay dignified.