Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

You're running on adrenaline at the moment Music, the upset will come later.

Apart from this feeling and walking on eggshells you had before finding emails, what was his behaviour like? Was he treating you differently, building his case to leave?

It's the adrenaline. You can use it because it speeds you up so if you want to, for instance let people know (siblings or your parents or his) or pack a bag for him or cut the crotch out of his trousers , now would probably be a good time.

meanwhile.

Been off with me for a few months. Was talking about my friend about this the other day strangely enough. Felt like I ould do nothing right.

I don't know whether the upset will come later.

For me, when I found out about the latest affair I remember squeezing my eyes shut and just waiting for the body blow (I'd been through it before with him) and it didn't come. I realised I actually didn't care any more. He'd killed it.

Have you heard from him yet or are you still ignoring?

:o Imperial - we've all done it.

What a complete cunt

OP, what has happened since he replied with the 'what you on about' nonsense?

I really feel for you. What a horrible shock

Yes in shock most likely. That's why it is important to disengage, have your feelings and do some thinking before you address it.

If it's any consolation, I reckon his OW will go right off him now that she knows she's not in fantasy-land and this twice divorced broke cheating bastard is planning to take her away from her family.

Seconding Elephants suggestion to use the adrenalin to get stuff done. Are your finances in order? I know you said debts but whose name are they in? Have you got recent payslips for him etc. P60 to establish what he earns? I'd be tempted to "push the button" for him TWAT that he is and start ejecting him from your financial life right now - make lists of what you need to do to untangle yourself. Re your DS and school tests - how about daddy being away for business just for next week - tell him if he has any regard for his 'complications' then to keep things uncomplicated he can stay away so that your DS can get through next week unhindered by any of this.

One answerphone message on my mobile (pulled the main phone of the hook) asking me to call him back.

I dont think he planned to leave either.

He is still trying to hide it, which says to me that he had every intention of staying with you and having her as his bit on the side, but she needed keeping sweet hence his bullshit.

When he split with his first wife, did he come clean with her or did she find out about your affair?

I wouldn't bother saying you read the emails either - I'd just keep using choice phrases from them to him so it dawns on him. He will have to ask you outright if you have read his emails. My next communication to him would be to let him know you will be telling the DCs he is away on business next week so you will not be expecting him home in order for DS to concentrate on his school tests.

Get a locksmith round to put an extra lock on the door only you have the key to too to ensure no surprise visits.

She found out. He said he left her but now I think she woudnt have him back.

I still can't believe any parent would refer to their children as "complications".

He's an utter cunt. Sorry. TBH I thought that earlier when you noted him giving "proper" cuddles as a noticeable change. He's their dad ffs. Poor things.

Hmm... I wouldnt be at all surprised if it played out with his ex the same way it is playing out with you now.

Suppose if OW is also married with dcs maybe she is the one who was not planning to leave for a couple of years. Who knows? Who cares? It is all irrelevant to right now. He has betrayed and you need to stop him messing with your head while you get some perspective.

Her children are grown up. I actually met her daughter.

No, he wasnt planning on leaving at all.....

His language is priceless. He's not even pretending to be sorry for the devastation this will cause, and he has set you up as the reason for his unhappiness! OW is clearly pretty infatuated and not thinking clearly to want to proceed with a man who a) Takes no responsibility for the failure of his marriage and b) Will happily sneak about behind his wife's back while setting up his next victim and c) refers to his children as "complications".

Hi OP - I have only just found your thread. I was going to post 'trust your instincts' like the others at the start and I just am so sorry that you have found out like this. You probably are in shock right now and I agree with the others - get the financial papers together right now while he's not here and you don't have to deal with the emotional stuff. He's completely on the back foot here and you are totally in control and with the upper hand so use it.

My ex's OW had grown up children who were living with their partners. She tried to equate the shock my small children felt with the shock hers felt.

It's not the physical stuff that bothers me (at the moment) it's the emotional games and the slagging me off. I never did that to him, never discussed arguments with people, never said I was pissed off anything.

Have you spoken to him music, how do you know she found out?

He's a knob.

pissydust well, it's what he said at the time. I think her Friend told her (the one who's husband she ended up with). Gawd it sounds like Jeremy Kyle.