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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

699 replies

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:06

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 30/06/2012 17:42

Hard day today. Took the kids to an event and he came too. I'm trying to get them through this next few weeks and I thought it would help them to see that we can be on reasonable terms for them. It just killed me, I spent most of the time growing. My DS got upset too and H had to take him off to have a chat. We ended up all going for something to eat together, how surreal. Then he cut the grass (!) and went. He's taking them out again tomorrow. Although it's killing me, I know I have to do it right now to spare my DC's.

OP posts:
Doha · 30/06/2012 18:59

There is really no need to put yourself through this. You can prove to your DC's that you can get on without spending time together. It may even confuse them.
Polite conversation at the handover should suffice.
You are doing so well

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 30/06/2012 20:10

I understand Music, I did the same as mine were very very young. However as yours are bigger, I think Doha is right.

It is possible to be kind, amicable and have good parenting but you also need boundaries so you can heal and Doha is right it may confuse the children in your situation somewhat right now. But doing things as a family from time to time would always be nice for the children. I do have friends who have achieved this very well, now the dust has settled.

I always kept in mind as a goal, that I would want to be able to attend my children's weddings and sit by my ExH without rancour iyswim? Even though mine were young, that is what I aimed for, as a vision for the future. It helped in a strange way.

It's difficult, we feel so guilty and we want to do everything we can to help our children. Sending you a very un mn ((hug)) as you deal with the roller coaster of emotions x

We can all give you our advice but trust your gut, they're your children. But it does seem like you're pouring lemon juice in a paper cut with what you're putting yourself through this weekend Sad

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/06/2012 21:27

This is why we advise handovers at the door and contact to take place away from the home.

That way your home remain your special place, there is less confusion and upset for you and the kids.

For your H, he will realise that he will have to take more responsibility and be more involved with the kids.

Offred · 30/06/2012 22:02

I think it will be confusing and upsetting if you are confused and upset. I think the message you need to send is that it will be different but ok and what you are saying this weekend is "we are trying to make it the same but it is hurting". It seems a bit pointless. You AND the children have been hurt by him and need time and space and a safe place to recover. Don't let him in your home, don't spend time as a family. That route is just picking the scab not letting the wound heal.

chocolatepuff · 30/06/2012 22:21

Hey music, I agree with above posters re contact. The kids know how dauntingly new this situation is and they need to know their parents are clear and firm on boundaries. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising. I'm only advising after making mistakes myself in the beginning, enduring a teeth clenchingly painful trip to the zoo playing happy families to absolve our guilt, being one)

You can't try and make everything as much as poss how it was before.. It won't work and dc absorb atmosphere, they will kno how tense it is. Constant contact is key. Knowing that on x y z days they are out with their dad.

Good Luck music, you're kids will be ok. you're a wonderful loving mum. X

chocolatepuff · 30/06/2012 22:22

*consistent contact, not constant

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 01/07/2012 07:40

Thank you all, and yes that makes sense. Spoke to my Solicitor friend last night, he has given me some excellent advice and I'm starting the divorce proceedings (with his help) this week. As he said, I need to get the financial settlement sorted while the bastard is still feeling guilty!

Had a dream this morning that we were all in the car and I was driving, my foot got stuck and I couldn't do anything to stop. Don't need to analyse that one lol. xx

OP posts:
countingto10 · 01/07/2012 08:00

Morning Music, the dream is probably because everything seems out of control and running away from you ATM - dreams are our brains way of processing things. I had a nightmare during that time of being chased by very, very ugly, Spanish speaking vampires - had no idea where the Spanish came from! Think it was because I couldn't make any sense of what was happening and felt very threatened by it all.

Try and have a calm, peaceful day and do get all the financial stuff in place now while he is feeling very guilty. I would point out here that my DH was one step ahead (as obviously him and ow knew what was happening Hmm) and had seen a solicitor (at OW's insistence he says) a few weeks beforehand - ow wanted my whole life so needed to protect everything, she even suggested going for full custody of DCs!!!!!

You are doing really well considering how much has changed for you in a very short time.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2012 20:18

You are trying to play Happy Families

it's not a good idea

it doesn't help the children as it confuses them with mixed messages, it doesn't help you because it fucks with your head

the only person it helps is him...as usual he is placed right in the centre as the most important person in this whole sorry mess

he needs to be removed from that priveliged position, and the sooner the better, for your kids sake

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 01/07/2012 20:21

You are right. I've come to that realisation today. I'm giving it a couple of weeks to settle down, purely for the kids sake then I'll be putting some rules in place. Won't be going on any family trips out for a while though! He was really off with me today. I was about to tell him I was going to do a DIY divorce when he cut me dead, so he can find out in the post!

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 01/07/2012 20:21

You are right. I've come to that realisation today. I'm giving it a couple of weeks to settle down, purely for the kids sake then I'll be putting some rules in place. Won't be going on any family trips out for a while though! He was really off with me today. I was about to tell him I was going to do a DIY divorce when he cut me dead, so he can find out in the post!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2012 21:41

it will settle more quickly when the kids get used to the new status quo

pretending all is hunky dory is not the way to expedite that, IMO

make his contact with the dc away from you, handover in the doorstep

anything else (at this stage) is false and confusing for the dc (and a headfuck for you)

ReportMeNow · 01/07/2012 21:47

He has no idea how kind you are being to him and yet he has the gall to cut you dead. Sounds par for the course with someone selfishly immersed in an affair. Agree, with your decision to bring it to an end.

For a while I had exH visit the dc in the family home and found his attitude and behaviour riled me no end that I barred him from the house. Wished I'd done it earlier - was thinking it was kinder on the dcs - but in effect it delayed them coming to terms with it. Still balled my eyes out when he first took them out for the day, and it was just me...but now can't wait to have a bit of time to myself! You will too xx

ReportMeNow · 01/07/2012 21:47

He has no idea how kind you are being to him and yet he has the gall to cut you dead. Sounds par for the course with someone selfishly immersed in an affair. Agree, with your decision to bring it to an end.

For a while I had exH visit the dc in the family home and found his attitude and behaviour riled me no end that I barred him from the house. Wished I'd done it earlier - was thinking it was kinder on the dcs - but in effect it delayed them coming to terms with it. Still balled my eyes out when he first took them out for the day, and it was just me...but now can't wait to have a bit of time to myself! You will too xx

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 02/07/2012 11:02

Does anyone know, can I pay the divorce fees (for DIY divorce) on my credit card?

OP posts:
bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:13

Have you checked whether you can get legal aid? You can claim the costs back from him either way as part of the divorce. I think you need to see a solicitor properly to ensure that you are not getting screwed.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 02/07/2012 11:25

My solicitor friend is doing it for me, so it looks DIY but isn't. He has been doing divorces for years, and I know he is good! ;-) Forgot to ask that bit though.

OP posts:
horseygeorgie · 02/07/2012 11:51

I should've thought so MFTM. I can't see why not.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 02/07/2012 13:16

Been to the Dr's and got her to refer DS for counselling. I know there's a waiting list so probably better doing that now. My other DC is talking which is better so I'm not so worried.

Also got an appointment with the Dr for myself to have STI's tested. :-(

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 17:06

My friend was told she had to pay her DIY divorce fees by bankers draft as they dont take cards or personal cheques but each court may vary. I had to pay my solicitor and they paid the court.

Well done to you, I have just caught up on the thread, the last I read was him staying after his op. don't let him mess you around any longer.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 02/07/2012 18:49

If I need to pay cash I'll draw it out the bank as it's only round the corner. x

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 03/07/2012 00:00

Most legal firms will allow you to pay by BACS so just get the details & move it over as & when. Mine let me pay mine as I went along to reduce the final bill.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 03/07/2012 08:17

8.15am and I've not cried yet!

One plus thing, I am losing loads of weight lol. Back down to below 11 stone for the first time in a long time. Not that I would recommend the lying cheating scumbag of a (STBX)H diet.

It's the first time I've used STBXH. Things must be looking up. x

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 03/07/2012 08:36

I've only recently started using STBXH too, lol.

I've lost three stone on that diet in three months! Think it's slowing now though as my appetite has come back a bit.

Well done and stay strong.

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