Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I would hand over the email address, your relationship with your SDD sounds very precious and I wouldnt want to risk that for the sake of an anonymous emailer. Its just not worth it.

It's good that you have a positive relationship with your DSD but for now the priority isn't how you found out..your DSD might be feeling responsible for her dad moving out (or her dad could be blaming her!) but I would just ask her to give you time to digest everything and reassure her that she isn't in anyway responsible.

You now know the truth, that's all that's important for now and you have much more to focus on. I feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in but you will rebuild a better life.

Oh Music, I want to give you a squeeze love. Telling the children is hard. It makes it more real. Almost like you're admitting it is over, even though you already knew it was, saying it is, makes it so iyswim.

Keeping busy was a big help to me at this time and gave me less time to think about it all. But it took all my strength some days just to get up, feed the children and try and to eat. So I am thinking of you often right now.

Anyway, she is now asking for the email address as her forum wants to know who dopped her in it

Don't quite get this? Who wants to know? What emailer?

I had an e-mail of a copy of a post my step daughter had made on a forum about my H leaving me. It basically confirmed he was planning to leave me in a few weeks, even though he had denied it (he told her that knew he was leaving). To be fair the post was about how bad he is and how nice I am. I think she's a bit peeved that someone got in there first, I found out from someone other than her. I'm really not sure she would have told me that she knew (he had asked her not to talk to me). I guess she feels that someone 'shopped' her but she seems to have taken no for an answer.

I feel grateful for whoever took the time to hunt me out and send it and I wouldn't want them to get into trouble over doing a good deed (which is what I see it as).

Say to SD: this is so hard for you, and for you to be the messenger, knowing something I don't know, is really cruel and unfair.

So I am hugely grateful to the person who emailed me. She wasn't 'telling on you', she was helping me get real with the picture because you were told I knew and she KNEW I didn't know this. This takes the pressure off of you, and in my mind she did the right thing.

Or just claim it was an anonymous e-mail from a google mail account.

And I agree with ABitWobbly's suggestion.

Who told you isn't the real issue. Your H is lying (again) and letting everyone else know of his life plans before you.

I've got my sons sportsday today then when we get back he'll be here and we'll have to tell them. THE DCs were asking me why I was so upset (being ill isn't washing anymore) and I found myself lying to them, telling them it;s because their elderly Grandad is in hospital (which he is). I hate myself for misleading them. He suggested we just told them he had found a place near work because of the travelling but I've insisted they know the truth.

What a fucking cop out of his to want to tell them that. There's one way of making sure you can never move on, if the DCs think he's staying over near work and you're still together.

Tell them the truth. If they find out either of you have lied to them their trust in you will be severly dented

Tell them an age appropriate version of the truth. It's hard but it's the right thing to do. Of course your H may find it uncomfortable as it may make him look bad. But he chose this path not you. Telling them together is the best thing to do, so you can reassure them together, but it seems from what I can gather on here from your posts, doing it on your own maybe better

Yes, you know what you have to do. ((hug)) xx

chin up, chuck x

Told them. Their reactions have nearly killed me. DS screamed 'I knew it' and begged his dad not to break our hearts. DD just cried and cried, she ripped her Moshi Monsters Family tree poster off the wall. He even tried put the blame on me and say that I wouldn't have him back. The git.

They have clamed down a bit now and are eating their tea. :-(

She said 'I'm only 7'

He even tried put the blame on me and say that I wouldn't have him back.

Selfish, cowardly, lying wankstain of a vile excuse for a human being.

That is seriously scum baggy of him I am do

He had no intention of coming back what a scumbag.

I would, on the basis of that, seriously reassess what kind and level of contact he has with them since that really demonstrates his priorities lie with himself and he is willing to damage his children to protect himself as well as use his children to hurt you. So for you .

But they will be ok, they will. Poor children and poor you

Ah bless her...it doesn't matter how old they are, it wouldn't have been any easier.

And 'git' doesn't begin to describe him.

Great ways to cope with the anger are letting them use a baseball bat on cushions, drawing angry pictures, writing it out, being able to talk about it without judgement, interrupting in a safe way perhaps with an Auntie or similar, someone they trust etc. They will need to let it out.

But I promise you one thing, it won't get any harder than what you have just had to do. time? Or is it too early?

My children have a lot of anger about our break up and one was 8 months and the other not born when it happened. They are now 5 and 7. The 7 yo likes to talk it out and needs alone time and headspace and the 5 yo likes drawing pictures and throwing them away.

Shedding a tear for you here Music, and your poor children. At least it's done now. You can start to move forward. They're lucky to have you.

I am so sorry, Music x

I think it just as well you were there when they got told, can you imagine what bollox he would have said if you'd made him do it on his own ?

Music I've been following your thread from the beginning and this is such a horrible situation for all of you. As well as dealing with your own pain you have just done a very brave thing for your DC. Yes, your DC will be very upset and show it in different ways but none of this was your choice. Your worlds have been turned upside down but your DC have you to protect them and you are doing a great job unlike your pathetic, selfish excuse of a DH

You have already shown so much strength, it is early days still and you will be ok.

Well done, thats must've been awful. God, he is beyond words. Karma does wonderful things, and lets hope it works really, really fast.

Thinking of you Music.