Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Enjoy the time with your Dad Music and the gym later. Sounds perfect and just what you need. I wallowed at home in self pity at this stage and I have great admiration for you.

OP I just wanted to voice my support for you.

I had some problems in my marriage last year and sought advice on here. (I name changed for the thread) and I got lots of support and also some food for thought. I am really grateful for all the posters who took the time to give advice, because it really helps to have an impartial view on things, and so many people on here are really experienced and astute in looking at relationship issues.

Some posters said they thought I should leave H, but it's just not that easy to turn your world upside down at the drop of a hat. I gave it a lot of thought, and having weighed up everything, I decided I was going to stay and work on things with H.

I got a bit of flack from some posters, and I found myself asking one or two to stop posting, as it was too in my face. What they were saying was probably very valid, but I didn't need to hear it. One poster said that if she knew me in RL she would have zero respect for me because of my decision to stay.

We are still together, and we have a pretty good relationship, although we still have ups and downs.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I think you need to take it at your own pace, but don't dismiss other posters out of hand. FWIW I think poopoo has made some quite good and valid points, but only you know what is best for your family at any given time.

Automatic will do for the moment.

Enjoy the time with your Dad.

I'm glad you have a RL friend to talk to later.

So it has bogey!! Just waded through the pertinent points and sorry to see I was right. . Instincts are rarely wrong!

OP is doing all the right stuff and when she feels strong enough should see a solicitor. She can post on MN Legal as lots of solicitors post there and will give her good advice.

Dontstep. Re. "Well the decision has been made now. I'm sorry if it's not one you would have made"

The reason i carried on asking is because the op was wrong in that i was not criticising her decision, just trying to understand how it was going to work and why? Was she sure etc. I never said i wouldn't have made that decision. Her response seemed rather at odds to what i had asked and defensive even though i wasn't attacking. I kept thinking of new things so posted them as and when rather then all in one post which perhaps made it seem like i was going on at her. This is something i had already mentioned.

I do actually feel rather confused at the reaction to my questions and a bit picked on for trying to help and understand which is pretty normal for these sorts of threads. I really never intended to upset the op at all, the plan just seems so hugely flawed to me that i wanted to understand. I would never deliberately upset someone, especially someone who has just been through what the op has. So my apologies op (although if i am honest i am still not sure what i am apologizing for). I hope it all works out the way you hope

I found it was worth thinking about all the various types of advice given but then realising that, however well-meant, no one knew me or my DH and was giving advice from their own experience/perspective.

So I thought about it all without trying to just hear what I wanted to hear. Then I used it to clarify my own feelings, wants and needs, without being swayed by what people thought I 'ought' to do.

I think this is what you are doing, Music?

Also, I'm glad you can offload with a RL friend.

Beryl Thank you for that and you are right PooPoo has made some very valid points and I am grateful for those.

Thanks all I really appreciate it. You are all giving me a strength I never realised I was capable of. x

If it were me I'd like to think I had the strength and kindness to do what music is doing. I'm not into an eye for an eye. Yes, her h has done a horrible cruel thing but I don't think that entitles you, as the wronged person, to be excessive and cruel in return although it is understandable to want to. The only reason surely you could give to justify preventing him recuperating in his own home (when he has nowhere else to go at short notice) is to punish him for what he has done and I just feel that is wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right in my mind, and I don't think it is weak to do it and music will need to be strong to cope with it.

Offred, I'm afraid I don't see what the OP is doing as "strength and kindness" AT ALL. In fact, your entire response simply amazes me. This man doesn't deserve kindess, in fact he gave up rights to that when he cheated on his wife.

OP - *Poo Poo" was speaking sense and I can't really see that her responses and questions have been aggressive. If I'd cheated on my OH there is no ways on God's earth I would have been welcomed back into the family home for "kindness" - I would be deserving every single thing I got.

Having said that, I feel for you greatly. The frustrating thing about this Forum is just how many people let cheaters back into their lives and as a result, it seems to me, just die a little bit more inside. Don't let that happen to you. x

Music is only letting the cheating H back for practical reasons. Whats the point in cutting off her nose to spite etc etc... If he has the op and returns to work he can provide better for the family he cheated on. That includes his kids because he has betrayed everyone. When he is better he can be asked to leave if this is what Music wants. Space to reflect is a luxury she cant afford at the moment if Hs earning power is lost.

There would be nothing excessive or cruel about expecting a man, who had given up any right to call the place where the family he betrayed lives "home", to make his own arrangements for recuperation.

If Music has her own reasons for making sure the manipulative sod doesn't render himself incapacitated out of spite, then she must do as she sees fit.

But this fucker doesn't deserve her kindness, the place he is recovering is not his "home" anymore.

And he deserves to be punished for treating his family (the wife and two "complications") like shit on his shoe.

There is no right or wrong way to navigate this path. MusicForTheMasses, you do what is right for you at this point. You've coped so extraordinarily well since affair discovery that it's all too easy to forget how recent this is for you and your dcs and what you knew to be your life has been turned on it's head.

People are pointing out the potential pitfalls (have been guilty of that too) but no one knows the subtleties of a relationship like the people involved. Let's wait if and until Music herself asks for it, and go at the pace she wants and support her in the decisions she makes. MN can be a complete godsend in times like this.

Hi Music - hope all has going well today.

For the next couple of weeks, every time H pisses you off or crosses a line, please share and we'll be listening (and some of us will have some great advice I'm sure!). Just remember though that when he sees you're going to stick to your guns on the situation, he may try and wheedle his way back into your family's life via your DCs. It's obviously going to be really hard for them to see their dad leave again at the end of the 2 weeks and it'll be worse if he's been drip feeding subtle little messages to them about how mummy is being unreasonable or that he isn't going to be leaving again at all, that sort of thing :(

Take care

How's things music?

Mmmm some thing is not right you feel, please go with your gut instinct you have too much at stake here with your family, hope all goes well.

Sorry for not replying sooner. To be honest, I think I've been living someone else's life this last few weeks. I feel like I'm in a soap opera. He's still here but I don't think I want him around any longer, just need to tell him to go. Financially we have debts and no money behind us so I'm f*ed in that sense. My solicitor friend has said they will go through it when I'm ready though which is a good thing. I have found myself on the verge of trying to forget it, but I don't think I can do that, I know too much. That was just putting my head in the sand. I hate what he's done to my kids. :-(

Yes, the badly scripted version of Eastenders rings a bell - how is H behaving around you? You sound very together though Music, having seen a solicitor and feeling like you want him to go. And you're right to feel angry with him. It isn't fair what he is doing to YOU or the dcs.

Practical points if you haven't done so already, get onto the online tax credit calculator and see what you would be entitled to as a lone parent. If you do apply, tell them the point at which you separated as they can backdate a little bit. And council tax give you a reduction if you are a single adult household.

Keep posting if it helps, we're good listeners xx

Music, I just read this through and you are a wonderful person.

The things women do for their children eh?

My very best wishes for your future, which I'm certain for you and your children, will be fine. All because of you.

I hope the thought of what he's done to your kids keeps you strong, music. Always remember those emails.

How is he being? Still into OW, or pretending none of this ever happened?

He's pretending that we are all hunkydory but I know he's still in love with her. I've said to him I won't be second place. I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but I know he is lying.

How is he after his op?

He's fine now. In a moment of weakness (stupidity) I said he could stay here till the kids finished the school term, but I don't think I can last 3 weeks with that hanging over my head. :(

Music, you can change your mind any time you like

He isn't going to go anywhere while you keep having "moments of weakness"

Every day he is still there, he knows it's less and less likely you will make him go

Hence, he just sits pretty, mooning over OW, while you destroy yourself with bitterness and anger