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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

699 replies

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:06

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 17/06/2012 00:03

Keep channelling Kathy whatserface from Misery...or the teacher in The Beguiled (Clint: These mushrooms sure look delicious...)

Sorry OP - but I just know you'll survive this because you've got a wicked sense of humour Grin

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 17/06/2012 09:12

PooPoo You have asked so many questions and to be perfectly honest I find them quite aggresive. Life isn't all black and white when you add kids to a equation. That does not mean I'm taking him back, far from it, but I'm doing what I feel at this moment in time (and just a week after all this sht happened) what is the best for my* children. I'm not going to be answering anymore of your questions because I feel whatever I say it will be wrong and to be honest I don't need that right now. Others have asked me difficult questions but I don't feel they are judging me as harshly as you come across, whether this is intentional or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 17/06/2012 09:16

puffberto To be fair, he didn't ask, I offered for the reasons I've outlined before. I've found myself emotionally detached from him and in a wierd way it's helping me to realise I could cope on my own. You are 100% right about giving myself a breather though that is is exactly. x

tallwiv lol, thanks for that. xx

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 17/06/2012 09:18

Give her a break - I think Music is now aware of the pitfalls re her decision and even though we may not understand why she has made this decision, she needs our support.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/06/2012 09:35

Completely agree with you HotChoc.

How are you feeling with it being Fathers Day Music? I hope he doesn't expect a big fuss to be made of him Angry Today you'll need to gather your strength around you especially as you may feel really angry, I know I would in your shoes, at what he has done to your family and the future. Have an unmumsnetty ((hug))

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 09:49

I didn't write them aggressively at all. Shock Im not sure why you read them like that. Perhaps they got your back up because there is some truth there you don't want to admit?

I was honestly only trying to work it all out and perhaps even help, as talking about things often does.

I will leave the thread now.

bogeyface · 17/06/2012 09:51

I think you should Poopoo because that reply was aggressive in itself, not helping at all!

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 09:57

How the hell was that aggressive!?

RightFedUp · 17/06/2012 10:38

As a 'lurker' I have to say sorry Poo Poo but your posts do come across as quite 'in your face' sometimes. They just do.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 10:49

Right.

Well i guess they are to the point. I asked obvious questions that many people must have been wondering rather than tip toeing around the op.

She seems to think i am saying that she shouldn't take him back but actually i think she should just be aware of why she is doing the things she is. To make sure they are conscious decisions rather than just falling back into something by accident which she might later regret.

The op seems to much prefer talking to posters who don't prompt her to question her actions. That's her choice but i don't see how its helpful at all.

Anyway I'll let you guys get back to just patting her on the back and pretending she hasn't been manipulated (by a known to be manipulative man which you are all convenient ignoring) into something which is talking the absolutely pee out of her, saping her self respect, whilst confusing the hell out of her children.

Dprince · 17/06/2012 10:54

poopoo clearly the op and others are taking it agressivly. Music is just trying to do what she feels is best. She knows its not perfect, but who is to say how anyone would deal with the situation unless you are in that exact situation.
Music I think you have handled this very well. I get why you are doing what you are doing.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/06/2012 10:56

"Anyway I'll let you guys get back to just patting her on the back and pretending she hasn't been manipulated (by a known to be manipulative man which you are all convenient ignoring) into something which is talking the absolutely pee out of her, saping her self respect, whilst confusing the hell out of her children."

Unnecessary Poopoo. It's barely been a week since her world came crashing down. If you'd been on my thread when my marriage broke down I'd have found it very upsetting. You're like a dog with a bone.

She will need us when she is ready to file the divorce papers and she will come to that stage in her own time. I know I did. She sounds far more detached and level headed than I was and your posts aren't helpful. So let's not get her to the stage of being afraid/ put off posting on here for advice. Please go elsewhere, back to AIBU perhaps? Where your sort of posts are normal. Relationships should be a safe place to post imo. She will gather the strength she needs to let him go. Right now she is reeling from it all and she may not make good choices all the time. Understandably! But she needs support.

Dprince · 17/06/2012 11:00

To be honest poopoo, you just sound like a twat now.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/06/2012 11:00

Anyway reviewing my posts particularly 16-Jun-12 11:24:59 I'm certainly not back patting and neither are others as far as I can tell.

RightFedUp · 17/06/2012 11:05

Please let's not derail this any more. It's not about Poo poo. She has tried to be helpful, has had her say and given her advice so let's not get into a slanging match and focus on the OP who has come here for help.

Sorry if that sounds stern and bossy - ducks and runs

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 11:19

Dprince. There's on need for name calling. It doesn't make you look good either.

Rightfedup. Thank you. I have tried to be helpful but obviously its not the sort of helpful the op wants right now.

LisaMed · 17/06/2012 11:22

Poopoo - the way you have been on this thread is one of the reasons I would never, ever post for help here. There are some great people, but it is such a lottery if you get support or ripped to shreds.

No offence to you great guys, and nothing against poo a lot of the time, but seriously...

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 11:26

Lisa. Seriously, go back and read the questions i asked. I haven't been at all horrible, nasty, critical. I have just asked obvious questions in an unfluffed up way.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/06/2012 11:27

And ripped to shreads! Where on earth have i done that to the op?! Why would i!?

RightFedUp · 17/06/2012 11:34

Please - let's not do this.

OP how's your day?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/06/2012 11:35

I think the thing the OP struggled with after stating: "Well the decision has been made now. I'm sorry if it's not one you would have made" Was your relentless asking over and over and over in your determination to get her to answer. The decision had already been made. That is the part that was aggressive or a better word perhaps would be persistent? Either way what started off as helpful became the opposite and quite overbearing imo. Maybe you cannot see that Poopoo? I'm sure you had the best intentions but it wasn't helpful.

Lisa please post if you ever need to on this topic. It is helpful although yes sometimes being told to leave the bastard Wink is hard to swallow but not necessarily wrong. MN was completely right when they advised me that my now ExH's affair had never ended and to walk away. And I'm so very glad that I did. I couldn't have done it without MN's support and advice. It is a good place to post.

Anyway RightFedUp was correct, the thread is getting derailed. Apologies for my part in that. Music I hope you're ok. Please come back and post when you need to.

Sneezecakesmama · 17/06/2012 11:36

I'd spy on him, check pockets, perfume on shirts etc. if you confront him he will just get more clever at hiding his secrets! More chance of finding the truth if his guard is down.

He would only deny it anyway, they always do and call you paranoid. Just adds to the distress and the time it takes fr them to fatally slip up. Save yourself months of uncertainty and spy on him.

bogeyface · 17/06/2012 11:41

Its moved on alot since the OP Sneeze Wink

Dprince · 17/06/2012 11:48

You are right just because I think it, I shouldn't post it. I apologise for posting it. I don't want derail a thread.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 17/06/2012 11:50

DontstepontheMomeRaths "I think the thing the OP struggled with after stating: "Well the decision has been made now. I'm sorry if it's not one you would have made" Was your relentless asking over and over and over in your determination to get her to answer. The decision had already been made. That is the part that was aggressive or a better word perhaps would be persistent? Either way what started off as helpful became the opposite and quite overbearing imo. Maybe you cannot see that Poopoo? I'm sure you had the best intentions but it wasn't helpful." This is exactly right. To me it appears aggressive (overly critical is probably a better expressionn) but as I said above I am not sure if it was intentional or not. Poopoo appears to be questioning that so I guess it isn't? She says it isn't critical but it's really not what I need right now. I can't help how it makes me feel. I was trying not to cause all this upset by just ignoring the questions but the persistence meant I had to explain. :(

Thanks to everyone again.

To answer you RightFedUp I'm OK thanks. The kids gave their Dad his card then I've take them to see their Grandad (my Dad). I'm in automatic at the moment. I think there will come a time when I allow myself to start thinking again. Off to the gym later with my friend who knows all about it.

OP posts: