Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Music,
Please don't leave him alone with your DC when he comes. Don't give him the opportunity to poison their minds against you, no matter how subtly he may try to do it.

when the time is right (like after tests) it is up to you to decide what to tell the DC - don't give him an opportunity to let him do this.

Like abitwobbly says, don't get drawn into any argument or discussion when you see him.

Actually, it may be a bit late to say this, but I think it is a mistake to let him come round at all - if he is in the house he can access documents and things. Can you change the plans to meet together with the DC at a coffee shop? Keep him out of the house?

No, I think right to let him come. Much as you might want to you, you can't stop him seeing the dcs for things he might do but I think wise to be prepared for him doing silly things like using them to get to you. Very tempting for him to do this when you have disengaged.

wobbly your post says it all. That is exactly what my ex did. I couldn't hold back, I do now though, I have learnt wisely. Hope you are ok Music

Hope everything is going ok for you this afternoon music x

Thinking of you Music xx

Music I hope you are doing ok. Despite not being in total agreement with wobbly, I think her advice is spot for dealing with your h. Less is more. You've been so dignified in this nightmare so far, in awe of you really. x

You are doing great OP.

Much better than your dirty, sleazy, deluded STBX.

I hope it shrivels up and rots.

Katie

Keep it up, your dignity is amazing.

My dignity may have waved a bit. Just sent her an e-mail entitled Infidelity "Just to let you know that when I do start divorce proceedings I WILL be naming you so I hope that you have told your husband, before he finds out some other way.

By the way, thanks for the birthday card you sent me whilst fornicating with xxxxx"

Will leave it at that though.

that's not necessarily undignified music! Has he taken the dcs out?

They are back with me now. xxx

Call me undignified, Music, but that really made me chortle!

I am very much admiring you this weekend.

Well done. Am glad you've let her know you know. How gross of her to send you a birthday card

I'd call that a success then, how are the dcs?

I think your restraint is still very dignified.
Just a note of caution, it's very difficult to prove adultery in divorce, so your lawyer will probably advise against it. (DH was advised against it in his divorce).
However, it won't hurt to put the wind up her, sending you a birthday card? That's ice cold.

Admiring you Music. Keep going. Sending hugs and the best of luck to your ds with his tests this week x

I think i would have been inclined to mention how he had said the same crap to her as he said to you all those years ago.

Second not having any discussion with him. Good luck.

Oops - see things have moved on. You are a model of dignity and restraint!

it's very difficult to prove adultery in divorce

Possibly not when you have a full set of emails

You're only human Music. It must feel as though you've really had no actual discussion of the marriage imploding so far. Did h say anything atall to you today?

Cannot blame you Music.

I used adultery in my petition for divorce as the reason. ExH couldn't wait to be rid of me and signed and sent everything back at high speed I didn't name the OW though. I did ponder it but resisted. Either way I still admire you greatly. We're all human and I'm not surprised you ended up e-mailing her.

I'm not sure I would name her but it doesn't hurt for her to be pondering that I will.

Are you done, Music, or does 'would' mean 'hypothetically'? Are you sure? If you are sure, how are you sure?

Only asking because you seem to be so much clearer and facing reality than I was, innocent me went into shock and disbelief which actually lasted a long time ...
there really is a knife blade between my shoulder blades
the love of my life really did this
he really did this
it is really happening to me

etc. It took a hell of a long time to sink in.

So am interested in how you are, where you are (in yourself)