Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I wouldn't reply.

I'm quite staggered at this man. And I'm so impressed at the dignity you're showing in dealing with this situation. At the start of the thread it was me who advised you to triumphantly present him with the emails and demand explanation, but I think you've dealt with it so much more sensibly.
I wouldn't reply to his stupid text.

I told him I've told the kids that some machinery has broken. To be honest, I don't care about him (or me) at the moment, but I do care about them. Just let them call him. He still hasn't admitted anything but the lak of communication speaks volumes. I think he switched off to me a long time ago.

music

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I feel angry on your behalf. Some men just don't deserve a nice wife and DCs.

Hope you get through it okay - just stay strong! Let your friends help you.

He really is a prize arse. It's all about him isn't it?

Yes, keep disengaging. He can know what you've told the kids, it'll help them to have the continuity.

He's asked to see them today. I've said yes, I can't play games with their lives and it may make me feel better to have some time to myself.

You are dealing with this so much better than I did I am in awe of your dignity and rising above his appalling behaviour. Can you go out when he comes to see the children?

If he wants to tell the children anymore about what is going on, can you make sure he agrees with you first what is said? Do you think he'd listen?

That's really good music. Be kind to yourself, you are doing really well.

I've already said to him (all via text, I don't want to talk) that I don't want the hildren to know until DS has finished his tests this week. I don't think he'll tell them as he doesn't have the balls in all honesty.

I don't think he'll tell them the truth no, but might he tell them a lie to goad you? "mummy says I can't come home, I don't know why?"

Music, I've been following your thread and would just like to add how very sorry I am. Went through something similar myself a couple of months ago and it's the absolute pits. It does get easier though, I promise. You discover strength you never knew was in you, and all of a sudden you find yourself with strength to spare.

On a practical note, have you changed passwords on your e-mail account and FB and things? I didn't think to do this straightaway and I suspect STBXH may well have logged on and had a snoop.

I think you're doing all the right things Music and dealing with this remarkably well. Use your time today to bolster yourself and perhaps to try to sort some financial stuff out. At least without the kids there you have an opportunity to let some emotion out if you need to.

Passwords all changed in the middle of the night lol, one of the many things keeping me awake.

I don't think he'll say anything to the kids due to the tests. I've told him I want him to just get through this week.

I don't think he is that disengaged. I think he is just a cowardly fucker who doesn't know what you know and doesn't wasn't to face it all head on. Head in the sand and all that.

'Abitwobbly am a little bemused that you deem 'IN THIS' space Music gets to be forgiven. That's big of you. Get betrayed and forgiven by mumsnet all in the same day.' - are your assumptions, your projections and personal to you so I will leave you with them.

What I was talking about was when people 'get it', the impact of their choices on others. THIS is the space of vulnerability in which people can be forgiven, by themselves and their loved ones.

Perfume please dont' be crass about something so delicate private and human.

Oh give it a rest with your squabble eh? The op isn't in need of the sight of you arguing. She's after support and practical advice so give over!

Thanks Curry. I don't want any arguments on here, I've got enough coming up IRL. x

I haven't got any practical advice op but I do have a hand for holding. You sound like you are doing brilliantly. He sounds like he's shitting himself. Which is all as it should be

What time is he coming? Do you think you can manage an icy steely demeanour?

Music when you eventually meet, I really urge you to focus on staying calm and keeping the focus on HIS ACTIONS.
So instead of saying 'you are a cheating bastard etc. which is abuse easily justified in shutting down, you say things like 'I am finding it hard to understand why stepping outside your family/turning to a person you don't know/being disloyal/ is easy for you'. Or 'when you told her you loved her/were planning on leaving, did you mean it?' Then SILENCE.

Say it, then count to 100 in your head. LEAVE HIM IN THE SILENCE. and when he starts to speak, do not interrupt him. Even if he says something provocative designed to push your buttons and get you to erupt (which turns the tables back onto you and off him,'well you never talk to me/your're such a bitch/you focus on the children/you caused this' DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

Men have found that if they say nothing or a misdirection, our mouths go like sewing machines, and they can tune out until one hour later when it stops. They haven't heard a word of it and are just thinking in their heads 'fuckin bitch she is such a piece of work' etc.
Men are very rarely left in the silence which is where they need to be: with the focus on THEM.

Planning on it, he's here in an hour. Make-up has been applied lol.

Do I tell my Step Daughter? I thought I'dsay something if and when she contacts me on FB. Dont imagine he will.

Hi Music, how dreadful for you. I haven't much constructive to add, but wanted to post. Have you checked your online accounts? If you manage to get time, you probably need to do a bit of detective work with your finances - try to get the originals of deeds, any investments, etc. Give these to a friend to keep, out of the house, along with passports, birth certificates etc.

When my dad left my mum, many years ago, he emptied the joint account, right up to the overdraft limit. His father had also given my mum a small amount of money to 'go on holiday' to get over the stress. When we were away, my Dad broke into the house and stripped it of anything of value - TVs, antiques, paintings, diy equipment - pretty much everything. Mum felt like a fool for trusting my Grandpa, because it seems he had been in on it.

Look after yours and your DC's interests.

Make up is good. Icy stare at a spot 6" above his head. No discussion. Just get it over with. We are all there, right behind you, cheering you on

Beryl! That is just a dreadful story

Make sure he takes the kids out - your home is now your own private space and you do not need him polluting it.

You are amazing - stay strong.