Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Abitwobbly am a little bemused that you deem 'IN THIS' space Music gets to be forgiven. That's big of you. Get betrayed and forgiven by mumsnet all in the same day. Those are your standards, your ideals, probably are great many others but you don't speak for me. It is quite true in my world, that the man is wholly responsible for his affair.Cheating men don't need to be encouraged by ow. They are capable of doing that all by themselves.

But anyway, I don't think I want to say more, this doesn't seem the time or place for it.

I think e are all agreed he is a twat. I feel better for saying that!

Got one DC home, just waiting for the other. Told my friend I'm not discussing anything with them in the house.

Can someone give me a list of things to do, people to see?

I like the idea of getting him to leave me alone for a while, but it would have to be mid August, I would want it all over before the kids went back to school. :(

No wobbly she is responsible for getting into a relationship with someone she wanted a relationship with. It doesn't mean she understood the impact on people she didnt know or wasn't manipulated by the person with the commitment. I don't see how it helps to extrapolate blame that widely.

Anyway, not helpful sorry op.

You need to go see a solicitor to get an idea of where to go from here. Get paperwork - mortgage, payslips, bank statements, passports, birth/marriage certificates, credit card statements together. If you feel up to it have a root through his stuff to look for nasty surprises and check all bills are up to date.

Look after yourself, eat and sleep. Give yourself time and tell him you need space.

You need time to decid what you want to do.

Do you have access to money for bills etc for the next few months? If it is in a joint account I would arrange a new account and transfer it.

You can do all of that online now if you think you need to.

My ExDw left me after having an affair with her sisters fiance, ten years later he went and did it to her!!! with her 'best' friend.
Leopards dont change their spots.
He's a twat and she's welcome to him. It will only be a matter of time before he does it again, and again and...... he will end up a lonely sad old man.

"No wobbly she is responsible for getting into a relationship with someone she wanted a relationship with. It doesn't mean she understood the impact on people she didnt know or wasn't manipulated by the person with the commitment. "

Yep agreed. My ExH flattered and pursued a 21 year old (a mutual friend) she in turn believed all his crap about how awful I was etc He reeled her in and she being very naive believed every word. I am afraid that one day she will suffer the same fate as Music

I really feel for you Music and agree with Offred's advice and definitely open your own bank account and transfer in child benefit etc where possible.

I definitely think ExH OW had no idea at the impact of her actions. None at all. She was flattered and had always looked up to him. But who knows

Sorry to hi jack the thread.

Right Music in addition to finding the documentation Offred mentions above, if you have online banking, have a look through that for any suspicious payments, and also check e.g. that he has been paying all his wage into the account every month (if it's a joint a/c) in case he's been siphoning any off. Print off a few months worth of statements of all accounts which you may need at some point (banks charge for supplying printed statements past a few months so print as much as you can now for free).

I'm not sure what you will want to tell DCs but there are people far wiser on here than I am to help its that as well as other practical stuff.

I hope the helpful comments are doing just that, helping?

Some good advice here, be strong.

I'm so sorry, Music. I don't have any practical advice other than to be kind to yourself, try to sleep (difficult, I know!), and talk to friends and family IRL who can offer a sympathetic ear.

And please ignore the unkind and patronising posts on this thread.

That's my first sleepless night over. Almost relieved.

Hello op. just wanted to let you know there's someone here.

Thank you both. x

What are your plans for today? Do you expect him to turn up?

I'm not sure he'll turn up again. Got to get the DC's ready for school, still have homework outstanding! Need to make an Olympic Torch so will have to go and buy some card so a trip to the shops is about it. Not sure about him turning up again. No communication at all since yesterday so assuming she's with him, he'd be trying to weasle his way back here otherwise. When I have a moment I just reread what he's said about me and their prospective future together. Puts me in the right frame of mind.

Morning Music. Hope you're not too shattered. I also hope you can see a bright future ahead with your lovely DCs (I'm assuming they are lovely anyway for the sake of this!).

Have you forwarded the emails on to your email address? Or maybe make another to keep them under? Just thinking you may need them for evidence in the short or long term future , and the first thing he will do if he finds them is delete them.

Have forwarded the e-mails onto my e-mail address. I deleted them of his laptop!

That's going to really mess with his head when he realises they're gone. He will panic and flap but have no idea if it was you who deleted them. And no way to ask you.

Clever girl!

Hope you aren't too tired music, thinking of you today. X

Just had a text asking what I've told the kids. Ho hum.