ok give me an MN slap and tell me not to want this guy back

[domesticgodless]

2 years with xp (on and off...more of that later). He is 35 now, I'm 39.

We don't live together, largely because he doesn't work and has expected me to support him completely. Including all food, bills and plane tickets for when he visits family in Europe. He said the alternative was never seeing me at all as he cannot afford anything. Probably partly true cos he only has E450 per month rental income to live off from a property his family gave him. But clearly not entirely true.

he is finishing a pHD, which in the UK means that when your grant runs out you start p/t work to make ends meet- but he decided not to, as when at home he can live off his rental income while living with his mother or father (they live in different cities...) but he cant' do that with me in London as it's too expensive. I have asked for a small regular contribution frequently but somehow this is impossible because he won't be able to 'keep the money he needs to have a decent life'.

So far so uncommitted eh? Yet when I tell him he is clearly uncommitted, he yells blue murder at me. I have various mental illnesses and problems and he paints himself as a saint for putting up with me and my 'situation' (stuck in London for at least next 10 years with my young sons and wouldn't dream of anything else thankyou v much).

I have told him that clearly he lacks commitment to me as if he wanted to be with me that much he could move here at least temporarily and we could make plans to move out of the UK later when my children are older, if he wants it so much. Clearly I am not a free agent and he is. But it's a no. He hates UK blah blah.

So why the heck doesn't he leave ME? God knows. I suppose he wants the LDR and sex/attention at times but doesn't want to bother actually having to be with me. He says he is 'different to other people' which is why our relationship doesn't have to be 'normal'.

That bit I can get, as you cant' always have a 'normal' relationship even if you want one. However, when he is here, he is a demanding nightmare. He came back the other night from being with his friend all day (at 10pm) and wanted to 'spend some time together' by watching a film or something which was fine with me, but he was faffing about so I picked my book up which I had been telling him was really good and I was v into it (I'm academic, it was a book for work and I was enthused by it). Cue a massive teenage sulk about how I had 'made an appointment with him' (wtff????) and now i was 'letting him down' etc etc. This culminated in me losing it and crying saying I didn't feel I had a lot left and he wanted the last bit. He threw a lot of insults at me as I was lying in bed crying and I couldn't take it any more, I was begging/yelling him to leave the room and he just wouldn't. So I lost it totally and flew at him hitting him to get him out of the room :(((((

I feel shit about it and I know physical violence is appalling whether committed by a man or woman. But I feel I was being emotionally abused by him standing over me shouting and refusing to leave the room. I had already become hysterical and he was calling me 'mad' and telling me I had 'forced him to come here' ????? 'by paying for his ticket' ????? (god...written down it is so fucking ludicrous).

Anyway then I got a long letter detailing my physical abuse of him and how he will 'bear the wounds' of this relationship forever (he had a bit of a bruise on his neck). The next day I asked again if he really thought I was an 'abuser' and he had no part in any of this and got another tirade. I went quiet and said I didn't think I could take this any more. He left and I don't know where he went.

The last time we split up he had another temporary girlfriend within 2 days, btw, he is extremely handsome and attractive. So he may well have shacked up with someone else :( I cant' get that out of my mind what is wrong with me???

I can't get over the fear of being alone. At my age and with a mental illness, maybe he is the best I will get....
I know what you're all going to say. But how do i get on with my life alone? How do I have hope of ever meeting a decent man at my age? (And yes I know xp is not a decent man....)

Yes. I know I do have problems myself anyway with my temper but I manage not I lash out at my sons and to be patient with them. It's not like I am some loose cannon these days. Xp just set something off
In me, I felt trapped and yet desperate to please him. :( no worries Af,I know this 'relationship'' never really was one and brought out only the worst in me.

This is a bad morning. Kids are playing happily but I feel cold, painful and empty inside. As if I'm not fit for love. :(( I know drama drama!!! I've still got horrible virus so feeling even more sorry for self :/ :D

I'll be giving you another in a minute!
Of course you are fit for love.
You deserve genuine proper love with someone who respects you and wants to make YOU happy.
Until you believe that you won't meet that person - you will attract more idiots who want to control and dominate you.

from this end too!
You need to do one of those bloody mantra things - write out "I am worthy of being loved by a kind and decent human being" on a post it - stick it on the mirror you use every morning and read it to yourself until it sinks in!

Learn to love yourself again (god I sound like that Louise whatsit) so that you always know someone loves you. :)

aww, your sons love you

and we love you

so there

< forcefeeds paracetamol and chicken soup >

Oh good point Izzy!

Yes, it was Louise Hay. Someone gave me a copy of her (first?) book when my fiancé fucked off with some secretary from work, and I found it a little difficult to stomach but did appreciate the idea behind it, and did take from it that smiling at yourself in the mirror every day is a damn fine idea. :)

Of course you are fit for love...and it strikes me that the person you most need to love is yourself (try not to puke ). Almost everyone of your posts has had a dig at yourself, your faults and failings. STOP THAT (sorry for shouting).

You sound like a lovely person, who has no insight into how strong and lovely you are/have been. And you have taken the scraps of affection that this wankbadger has thrown you - maybe you dont think you deserve the real thing?

You will meet someone else DG.

Only you can decide whether that someone else is another wankbadger or a decent man.
If you put yourself down and think you deserve nothing but shit then that is what you will get.

It does sound wanky but it is so true - love yourself first!

Some may consider it to be a load of old woo, but I think you and I are of the opinion that woo works, Thumb - and it sure does pack a punch once you've mastered the art of creating the life you want to live by becoming the person you want to be

Yup!

Do it, DG - you can, you know!

Thanks for all the paracetamol and wet fish slaps :D

I feel a bit better, been out with the boys and they are fab (apart from he FIGHTING whenever I leave the room.....eldest has mastered the art of the surreptitious verbal put down sending youngest into outraged hysterics in secondsl ) self pity seems to be harder out of doors eh.

Hmm yeah I can see that I just don't like myself and punish myself for every fault. Perversely I think this leads to even worse behaviour at times cos you give up on yourself and trying to change anything. I think this is At least partly what happened to my marriage and why I behaved so awfully, though definitely some of that was just bipolar madness :S

Any book refs are welcome- things that turned you around when you were coming out of abusive relationships etc. and I shall do the mirror thing I think. I used to try this thing where you tell yourself 10 positive things in the mirror but I could only ever manage 5 at a struggle! Hehe x

A book I really like for its down to earth nature is "Help!: How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done" By Oliver Burkeman -it's about £5 on Amazon. None of this shouty "Change Everything Now! Immediately!" type of self help books! Your DCs sound heavenly, by the way!

Coming out of an extremely abusive relationship which almost destroyed me...I found 'co-dependent no more' a good start. 'Men who hate women and the women who love them' was good too once I had got my head around it.

I'm near the end of one in a very very subtle way. I've done what you have OP, funny enough he did the same as yours, I was the abusive partner(I'm gobby but very kind), I shouted, I drank too much, blimey what I didn't do ay. But he knew because I was quite feisty he had to go at it from a different angle. I blamed me to the point of going on ad's.

How I'm getting out of it, as it is a process, no matter what anyone says. I sat back and "watched" him. Once I did that I saw many awful traits that I acted out against. It was him, not me.

Jeez where on earth do these men come from?
They are all so similar it's scary!!

who knows kaluki but there are certainly a lot of them around. } but i also think that as long as women enable them they will do what they do. I look at all of my friends and can see that one way or another its happening. I actually don't know one healthy couple and I'm nearly 50.

I'm sort of known as a "man hater" yet im still an enabler? Blimey. But this is the last time for me. It's certainly still a "mans" world out there.

Gosh yes I was an enabler in all my relationships until this one.
I thought it was all I deserved

Xp always uses against me, the fact that his two other major relationship partners didn't call him abusive or find him invasive/frightening/scary etc. they were both virgins when he met them and by his own admission extremely clingy and needy. I think they were perfect for a narcissist. Mind you they both left him, but one of them stuck out 7 years with him?! Wtf....his culture is also much more deferential to men than ours so he expected looking after. Well fuck that ;)

I feel a bit str

God this i

Aaaaaaaargh I hate i

Now this is just silly. I hate iPhones!!!! Am trying to say I feel a bit stronger today altho still bitter and stupid over him. But his behaviour in disappearing like this has been so awful that I cannot make a single excuse for it any more. I know that his new 'girlfriend' off the plane here is a dope dealer and he's been smashed off his face for last 3 days. Sad git. This will of course be my fault and if he's shagging her the same will apply (plus he is 'single' now of course.... Which is true, but I am just seeing his promiscuity for what it is. The sign of a hollow person.)

He is just a good looking twat. I see it clearly now. And I just have to forgive myself my entanglement with him. And see it as a sign of ongoing mental illness!!! Lol

He texted to ask how I was (how caring!!) to which I replies that I was I'll and exhausted. He replied 'same here' (all that shagging and smoking must be hard work) to which I replied 'enjoying your new friend's hospitality?' and told him where he could find his bag (outside my house in the grit container). Silence since then of course. Imagine, if I'd just been nice and grateful enough, he might deign to come back to me and stoP shagging his new girlfriend!!! It's unbelievable isn't it- mostly that I ever fell for him.

he may be good looking on the outside, but he is ugly within

Really, he is

You do sound stronger, I really hope you are strong enough for when he gets tired of his latest dope-dealing fuckbuddy and tries to move back to the long-suffering fuckbuddy who has the added benefits of financial and educational support (that's you, btw)

it's loooong overdue that you remove yourself form the toxicity of it all

does he take risks with sexual health, btw ?

might be best to get yourself checked out

I've just ordered the Anne Dickson - A Woman in Her Own Right - looks really interesting. Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Pyschopaths are two of my favourite books. In the first she categorises ten different types of abusers which is helpful as if you leave the dominant narcissistic type you might fall for the gentle clinger/little boy lost the next time - and they're just as bad in their own way. The second book looks at the traits of women who end up in abusive relationships, high level of empathy etc., and how their traits can be used against them. She also covers red flags and how social/family conditioning cause women to ignore them.

A website that I found really helpful was Susan Elliot's Getting Past your Breakup which has a lot of good advice on respecting yourself/setting boundaries etc. so that you don't settle for abusive behaviour. (Cocklodgers are known as Bananaheads on there). Here's an article on self love and respect:

www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/2012/06/i-matter-yes-i-do/#more-11945

I don't agree with everything they (Brown/Elliot) say but there is a lot to be gained from them.

OP you say that you are afraid of being alone but I think that is what you need at the moment - to have a think about why you ended up with this man (and put up with such crap behaviour) so that you don't repeat the pattern.