ok give me an MN slap and tell me not to want this guy back

[domesticgodless]

2 years with xp (on and off...more of that later). He is 35 now, I'm 39.

We don't live together, largely because he doesn't work and has expected me to support him completely. Including all food, bills and plane tickets for when he visits family in Europe. He said the alternative was never seeing me at all as he cannot afford anything. Probably partly true cos he only has E450 per month rental income to live off from a property his family gave him. But clearly not entirely true.

he is finishing a pHD, which in the UK means that when your grant runs out you start p/t work to make ends meet- but he decided not to, as when at home he can live off his rental income while living with his mother or father (they live in different cities...) but he cant' do that with me in London as it's too expensive. I have asked for a small regular contribution frequently but somehow this is impossible because he won't be able to 'keep the money he needs to have a decent life'.

So far so uncommitted eh? Yet when I tell him he is clearly uncommitted, he yells blue murder at me. I have various mental illnesses and problems and he paints himself as a saint for putting up with me and my 'situation' (stuck in London for at least next 10 years with my young sons and wouldn't dream of anything else thankyou v much).

I have told him that clearly he lacks commitment to me as if he wanted to be with me that much he could move here at least temporarily and we could make plans to move out of the UK later when my children are older, if he wants it so much. Clearly I am not a free agent and he is. But it's a no. He hates UK blah blah.

So why the heck doesn't he leave ME? God knows. I suppose he wants the LDR and sex/attention at times but doesn't want to bother actually having to be with me. He says he is 'different to other people' which is why our relationship doesn't have to be 'normal'.

That bit I can get, as you cant' always have a 'normal' relationship even if you want one. However, when he is here, he is a demanding nightmare. He came back the other night from being with his friend all day (at 10pm) and wanted to 'spend some time together' by watching a film or something which was fine with me, but he was faffing about so I picked my book up which I had been telling him was really good and I was v into it (I'm academic, it was a book for work and I was enthused by it). Cue a massive teenage sulk about how I had 'made an appointment with him' (wtff????) and now i was 'letting him down' etc etc. This culminated in me losing it and crying saying I didn't feel I had a lot left and he wanted the last bit. He threw a lot of insults at me as I was lying in bed crying and I couldn't take it any more, I was begging/yelling him to leave the room and he just wouldn't. So I lost it totally and flew at him hitting him to get him out of the room :(((((

I feel shit about it and I know physical violence is appalling whether committed by a man or woman. But I feel I was being emotionally abused by him standing over me shouting and refusing to leave the room. I had already become hysterical and he was calling me 'mad' and telling me I had 'forced him to come here' ????? 'by paying for his ticket' ????? (god...written down it is so fucking ludicrous).

Anyway then I got a long letter detailing my physical abuse of him and how he will 'bear the wounds' of this relationship forever (he had a bit of a bruise on his neck). The next day I asked again if he really thought I was an 'abuser' and he had no part in any of this and got another tirade. I went quiet and said I didn't think I could take this any more. He left and I don't know where he went.

The last time we split up he had another temporary girlfriend within 2 days, btw, he is extremely handsome and attractive. So he may well have shacked up with someone else :( I cant' get that out of my mind what is wrong with me???

I can't get over the fear of being alone. At my age and with a mental illness, maybe he is the best I will get....
I know what you're all going to say. But how do i get on with my life alone? How do I have hope of ever meeting a decent man at my age? (And yes I know xp is not a decent man....)

which begs the question why the hell he wants me back so much then

[slap, slap!]

OP

Come on now, there are tonnes of better ones out there. But if you don't kick Mr Cocklodger out for good how will you know?

Why on earth do you feel sorry for him? Blimey, no-where in your writing have I felt a nano bit of pity for the twit.

You're feeling fear that's all, it can be a powerful negative emotion but that's all it is you know.

Stay cool OP, stand back and see him for what he is (if you must).

You're not even 40 yet so stop thinking your old.

Oh and he wants you back coz he hasn't quite sucked you dry enough yet.

Maybe he wants you back because he knows you are a safe bet and will fall for his shit again when the others have wised up to what a shallow prick he is! Not to mention the fact that you will keep supporting his lifestyle!
Prove him wrong this time eh?

Do you have a male friend (not female or else he will try to shag her) who you could send to meet him with him bag?

I was in a situation with a man I needed to forget and everytime he came into my mind, I made my immediate response "Oh do fuck off." If no-one was in the room, I'd say it aloud, otherwise I'm say it under my breath or in my mind. It took a while but it really worked. Now I can't think of him without thinking those words!

I'd be tempted to take his PhD and ask him to confirm it's the only copy, then remove every other word from it and send it back. If you're not cruel enough to do that, just respond to any texts or emails about it with "Don't be ridiculous."

You know he's awful, don't you? You've read your own OP and realised you've been obsessed with a complete waste of space, haven't you? Those days are gone now - you're free!

The reason he's hitting on young women is that anyone with experience of a cocklodger would see him coming a mile off.

lol imperial 'not female or he will try to shag her' heehehehe

you know what you might well be right there. And I think you're right about the young women. I took it as something to get jealous of whereas in fact it demonstrates his immaturity that he only attracts besotted girls in their early 20s. His girlfriend before me was 19 when he met her (he was 30- I thought that was v creepy at the time...ah, red flags).

There have been v few older than 25 in his recent past (Sigh...clearly I am the only old idiot....)

yeah i do know he is awful. I still feel sorry for him as I feel sorry for any awful person who cannot change. It is their loss in the end I know to grow old a horrible abusive person. Also I really loved him for the good part of him (there is one deep down) and if he'd just treated me with normal respect it could have worked for him. But I see that that isn't how HE works. Sigh.

@Kaluki 'while others have wised up to what a shallow prick he is'- you know, I am really not seeing that AT ALL. All my friends did though and warned me off v early on. My parents think he is totally immature and that I have lost it. People who meet him think he is the nicest person ever, he does this quiet shy charm thing.

thanks for the slaps btw, they work :D

They work, do they eh?

SLAP!

no really they do. I am administering them to myself whenever I start the inner whining: whyyyyyyy isn't he texting me any more?! etc bloody etc

Stop acting like his mother SLAP oh and SHAKE too.

god knows never wanted another bloody child, I seriously wanted a partner, but when someone whines and wheedles about everything and tells you hard it is for them to put up with you and their crappy situation and breaks down completely when you try to end it (after the tirade of verbal abuse that is), you end up with something different. Sigh. I know there are no excuses. But I think I got gradually beaten down. The person he is inside is v different to the outside.

I am boring myself shitless now. Why can't your feelings for a tosser just END????

They will OP when you put a stop to it, whilst in things you really can't see the wood for the trees. He won't coz you still serve a purpose. He has his thesis to get done doesn't he.

keep posting here

these useless feelings for a ridiculous man-child will pass

you are bes to go "no contact" completely, you know (that ole MN staple might be a cliche but there is a very good reason for that"

don't let the "pick up bag, pick up soft-hearted ole mug again" scenario play out how I imagine you half-expect it will

change the record, only you can do it

it's just that the fear of being alone and not with the 'devil I know' is overwhelming :( why????

Yes, agree with Anyfucker that only you can change the record. He's not going to because this situation suits him quite nicely thank you. He gets everything paid for, plus an emotional punchbag, plus whatever drama takes him out of himself for a while. Do you see? This suits him.

You however, are being slowly destroyed by it. He is sucking you dry. And you need to be well, and your children need you to be well. So time to get off the roller-coaster eh?

I know it's hard when you're fearful of being alone and still desperately attracted to someone, but this man is pure poison.

Think how good you will feel about yourself when you manage to cut him out and keep him out. I really think that the key to improving self esteem is to start acting as though you have some, however much you may feel you don't. Kind of like fake it til you make it - see what I mean? It really works, I promise.

Because you probably have this romantic view that by being sooo dependable and nice he will "see" this eventually and adore you. It doesn't work like that in real life OP. He see's you as a doormat and only you can stop this

You also see yourself as not worth anything more. I hope other wise MNers will be here in a moment to help you understand that you can change that mindset, you really can.

Strangely missF he sees me as the opposite: an abusive loony (I've just had another patronising text to that effect) and it seems all his family and friends agree with him and have been telling him I am clearly 'dangerous' and 'wrong' to 'frame him as a user' etc. But that is so clearly what he is... I think there is a mindset in his culture, that if someone has money and they are in a relationship with someone who doesn't there is a sort of obligation to share everything. And the less scrupulous really take advantage of that.

One time when we split I asked him for some money back for bills, rent, food etc and he laughed in my face and told me he 'owed me nothing'. He seems to think helping me move house once and building a tv unit for me discharges the debt.

He constantly tells me I'm the most difficult girlfriend he has ever had, re. mental illness, kids and not living in the same country as him (although he's not been in the same place consistently for years either).

The blame does have to lie with me in the end though. I put up with it all and enabled him. Believed (?) his rubbish about it all changing soon, how one day he would look after me instead.

:(

the only way you should "blame" yourself here is if you go back to this fuck-up of a "relationship"

you have been completely clear here about what he gets out of it, and what you do not

is this really game over, or just a bit of a vent and soon it will be back to normal service resumed ?

come on, be honest with yourself

its' a shock to me how weak I seem and how much of an enabler.

Right now I'm so angry with him I could really hit him again. I just can't bear his fucking abuse, him telling me I am a lying piece of shit who has landed him in crap cos I won't read his thesis blah blah and how I have wasted 2 years of his life and how much he did for me etc etc.

So no I don't want to see him if that is your answer AF.

But I also do feel deep down like a v shit person probably cos of my divorce, childhood blah blah. And he taps into that somehow, this is what worries me. If I get rid of him, the real worry about surviving alone is that, that I just despise myself. I suppose if you have a boyfriend acting that out, i.e. despising you, you don't have to do it for yourself :(
christ what a fuckup I am eh.

tbh I've never written about any of this before or even really admitted it to anyone except myself. And maybe not even then. So that is why it is game over . It just makes me v sad. Don't mistake my sadness for nostalgia for him.

He really is a cunt.... You didn't follow the script with his 'what can I do?' text, so now he's flip flopping with an abusive one.
You DO see this, don't you? Manipulate. Panic...try another tactic... You MUST stay off script here. He is truly horrible. Use MN to get you thriough but Do Not give in to him. X

If you always do what you have always done,
You will always get what you've always got.

Break the pattern this time.Do NOT get back with him.Or else you will still feel exactly like this in a years time (actually,you'll feel worse,because now that you can logically see what's happening,you will feel even crappier about yourself for accepting it.And that will push you even further down [sad face].

He is a user...he has no self respect (or else he would man up and stop leeching from you)...so don't expect him ever to have any genuine respect for you.It is an alien concept to him.

And as for the 'good times?'.Do you really think that they will feel good,deep down,now that you know what he is like?

You are more than capable of having a happy life.He isn't the source for it though.That starts with you.Take some time off all these head games,let life happen.It might be a pleasant suprise.And you know what,if it really is unbearable a concept,rest assured that he would probably take you back again in the future....narcissists won't refuse a source of supply.

Take one step forward ,Domesticgodless...that's all it takes to walk towards a happier future.And stop worrying about years down the line,just take it a day at a time.

You'll be ok,I know you will x