ok give me an MN slap and tell me not to want this guy back

[domesticgodless]

2 years with xp (on and off...more of that later). He is 35 now, I'm 39.

We don't live together, largely because he doesn't work and has expected me to support him completely. Including all food, bills and plane tickets for when he visits family in Europe. He said the alternative was never seeing me at all as he cannot afford anything. Probably partly true cos he only has E450 per month rental income to live off from a property his family gave him. But clearly not entirely true.

he is finishing a pHD, which in the UK means that when your grant runs out you start p/t work to make ends meet- but he decided not to, as when at home he can live off his rental income while living with his mother or father (they live in different cities...) but he cant' do that with me in London as it's too expensive. I have asked for a small regular contribution frequently but somehow this is impossible because he won't be able to 'keep the money he needs to have a decent life'.

So far so uncommitted eh? Yet when I tell him he is clearly uncommitted, he yells blue murder at me. I have various mental illnesses and problems and he paints himself as a saint for putting up with me and my 'situation' (stuck in London for at least next 10 years with my young sons and wouldn't dream of anything else thankyou v much).

I have told him that clearly he lacks commitment to me as if he wanted to be with me that much he could move here at least temporarily and we could make plans to move out of the UK later when my children are older, if he wants it so much. Clearly I am not a free agent and he is. But it's a no. He hates UK blah blah.

So why the heck doesn't he leave ME? God knows. I suppose he wants the LDR and sex/attention at times but doesn't want to bother actually having to be with me. He says he is 'different to other people' which is why our relationship doesn't have to be 'normal'.

That bit I can get, as you cant' always have a 'normal' relationship even if you want one. However, when he is here, he is a demanding nightmare. He came back the other night from being with his friend all day (at 10pm) and wanted to 'spend some time together' by watching a film or something which was fine with me, but he was faffing about so I picked my book up which I had been telling him was really good and I was v into it (I'm academic, it was a book for work and I was enthused by it). Cue a massive teenage sulk about how I had 'made an appointment with him' (wtff????) and now i was 'letting him down' etc etc. This culminated in me losing it and crying saying I didn't feel I had a lot left and he wanted the last bit. He threw a lot of insults at me as I was lying in bed crying and I couldn't take it any more, I was begging/yelling him to leave the room and he just wouldn't. So I lost it totally and flew at him hitting him to get him out of the room :(((((

I feel shit about it and I know physical violence is appalling whether committed by a man or woman. But I feel I was being emotionally abused by him standing over me shouting and refusing to leave the room. I had already become hysterical and he was calling me 'mad' and telling me I had 'forced him to come here' ????? 'by paying for his ticket' ????? (god...written down it is so fucking ludicrous).

Anyway then I got a long letter detailing my physical abuse of him and how he will 'bear the wounds' of this relationship forever (he had a bit of a bruise on his neck). The next day I asked again if he really thought I was an 'abuser' and he had no part in any of this and got another tirade. I went quiet and said I didn't think I could take this any more. He left and I don't know where he went.

The last time we split up he had another temporary girlfriend within 2 days, btw, he is extremely handsome and attractive. So he may well have shacked up with someone else :( I cant' get that out of my mind what is wrong with me???

I can't get over the fear of being alone. At my age and with a mental illness, maybe he is the best I will get....
I know what you're all going to say. But how do i get on with my life alone? How do I have hope of ever meeting a decent man at my age? (And yes I know xp is not a decent man....)

he's a musician back home (you guessed it already didn't you, anyone that narcissistic had to be an ARTIST) and spends all his time setting up 'happenings' that don't seem to happen cos everyone starts rowing. Strange that :D

I am not going to slap you, but I might give you a little hug and ask when you last went out with a different friend, male or female?
Or enjoyed someone else's company?

The reason he looks so good, despite all evidence to the contrary, may be that he is the only game in town.

Please get your gorgeous, intelligent, interesting, funny, charming arse OUT THE DOOR and have drinks, dinner, afternoon tea, long walk, exercise, sex, cocktails, craft weekend or spa day with anyone who asks you, and ask as many other people as you can ask.
Not just potential boyfriends, but older women, non-attractive men, passing acquaintances...go out and DO things that will distract you from this complete and utter wankbadger.

And don't call him, text him, email him, pay for anything else, read his friggin' thesis, write him letters or embroider cushions for him.
You may have sex dreams and fantasies about him, if you really MUST, but NO real life contact. Please promise Aunty Norks

musician, yes indeed

yeah it's a long time since I saw anyone Norks. This is part of the problem. Job is isolating, am a lecturer so just spend all day running round after students or in own office plus it's a 90 minute commute. Then at home I have 50% custody of two charming boys but somehow during the divorce (maybe cos I sort of obviously went bonkers :() I lost all the friends.

I have many old friends who love me but they live all over the planet, anywhere but London it seems. I need to branch out, god knows where to start.

Wankbadger
That has to be one of the best MN insults I have heard to date
Other than cocklodger of course

Ok, let's start branching RIGHT NOW.
If you had time to spend with wankbadger, then you have time to meet some NICE people.
You live in London FFS.
I know I am a lowly country mouse, but as far as I know London s stuffed full of funny, interesting, people and fascinating, colourful places. You can do this.

So your ex got the friends...pah, find some more...start with DS's friends' parents and work outwards.
You sound like a really interesting, funny person (albeit with a TERRIBLE taste in men so far), get out there and prove it.

Wankbadger particularly useful for the self absorbed types, busy scratching their own fleas.

London's an odd one. Loads of people.... no one talks to you or looks at you.

Have tried to make friends at boys' school, I really have. But we're from different worlds. They are all well-off city types (boys are in private school by edict of exH). I just don't fit and as usual they all think I am bonkers.

I have just been fb'd by an old male friend from a previous job, who was great fun. But he lives in Exeter now. This shit happens to me all the time :D I'll just have to organise a weekend.

Other great friends are in: Stoke, Newcastle upon Tyne, Thailand. Etc.

I need to find a sort of hub: an interest I can meet people through. I am an academic type so it'll have to be lectures or a language class or something. I don't do practical stuff :D

god I feel so fucking empty this eve and perversely GUILTY for hurting exp. Why the fuck do I care when he clearly doesn't give a shit about me except as a source of cash and sex. Gah.

I can imagine London being a rather lonely place, tbh

ave you any leave coming up ?

long summer break ?

plan a weekend away to stay with one of those far-flung friends

Newcastle is a friendly place !

yes I am busily messaging everyone. Going to spend weekend with old friend in Exeter too, he is offering scones, this is a definite draw.

mmm, scones

I am shattered! night all and thanks SO much for keeping me sane. Still got wankbadger's bag in the hall, going to think up a plan that means he actually gets his passport, otherwise he might be in the country for TOO LONG

Domesticgodless, how about finding some sort of evening class you're interested in? Or exercise class? Or local book group? That's what I'd do if I wanted to meet some new people.

I think there are local mumsnet meet ups sometimes too. Sounds as though you get plenty of child free time. Make the most of it.

It's not surprising this man has become your entire social world - isolation is what abusers excel at. He may start looking far less attractive once you start getting out there a bit more.

good night x

AF- and cream from Devon, IN Devon....it has to be done.

night all

DG - glad that you have had an evening of solid and good advice (plus random slaps! )

Will add in a few more bits.

Re the bag - you text him, you tell him it will be outside your front door at x time and he will have to come and pick it up then or someone will nick it. You tell him you will be out so that he needn't bother knocking as you won't be there to answer (But I'd be there anyway just in case he tries some sort of stupid retribution - just don't answer the door!)
If that's too close to home, then take it to the nearest hostel you can find - there must be some in London! - and put it in storage, then text him where it is.
The problem with lockers at stations is that they have keys which need handing over; hostel storage is usually just a big cage. Since you have his passport then he should be over like a shot to pick it up!

Re. the guilt - I believe you are actually feeling guilty about yourself, not him. You're feeling guilty that you have somehow fucked up another relationship and you're going to be on your own forever, and it's all your fault. Aren't you?!
This is utter bollocks. This man was never "in a relationship" with you, he was just using you, sponging off you, taking whatever he could get and giving nothing. That is not a "relationship" - that's an abuse of you. As soon as you realise that actually the only mistake you made was getting involved with this loser, you can start to feel that you are actually the injured party here, not him. He is the one who has fucked it up by being shit! He is the one who failed to be in the relationship and he is the one whose fault it is that you are going to put a stop to it.

If you have bipolar disorder (do you still have it? Are you on meds for it?) then that is an illness, again you are innocent of causing the breakup of your marriage. Your illness might have been a factor but what it really was about is that your exH couldn't handle your illness and chose to split rather than stay with you and see it through (I admit, I'm extrapolating wildly from very little information but I'm probably still close).

Now - when you wake up in the morning, text him that you will be leaving his bag somewhere and he needs to pick it up. Tell him that you want nothing more from him and have no need to ever see him again. And he can stick his thesis where the sun don't shine - he is responsible for finding someone else to proof read it.

(And if you do do his thesis, I will get on a plane from Australia and come and slap you for real!!)

what she said ^^

I'm sorry you feel so guilty, he's really done a job on you hasn't he!! If I were you I'd try to channel your emotions towards anger. Throw his bag in the Thames if he doesn't come and get it. Laugh when he asks you about his crappy thesis- he's going to have to find that money now, the sucker!! Tell him you don't owe him anything and he must be mad to think so after all you've done for him and how he's treated you.

Alternatively, completely ignore him. Block calls & texts, delete from Facebook, post his bag back to his mummy's house and be finished with the whole thing. Don't look for closure; you won't ever get any.

You'll be amazed when he's finally gone how much better you'll feel AND how much more money you have!! Who cares if he slags you off? Anybody you care about will know what a dick he is. Good luck.

Hoping that this prize wanker will now do you a favour and follow the script, if he can't reel you back in by being nice, he'll turn nasty.

If that happens call the Police. Seriously. Oh and give THEM the bag!

doesn't his mum live abroad? GENIUS! Post the bag to her, including the passport!

thanks all. Well it appears he started ignoring me and is no longer trying to get in touch. I don't know how I feel about that: I guess there is relief mixed with a lot of sadness.

Thumbwitch I think you have hit the nail on the head with the guilt. Also I know that I created part of the drama etc by keeping on going back to him despite the fact he was clearly a narcissistic man-child. Something in me needed it. I guess other posters on here can attest that there is a sort of intensity to abusive men that is weirdly addictive. And of course he tells me what I believe: that I am a dreadful, sick piece of shit- BUT that he forgives me and still loves me!

I think now, that I have remained calm and not given him any anger of my own, he just doesn't know how to deal with it and will probably bugger off cos I am not supplying him any more.

I've still got the bag and passport, I'll think of something to do with it. He said that he is staying with a friend in East London (- a guy who he always claimed before, didn't have room for him....I actually think he's lying and is with a woman he met on the plane....he went out for a drink with her and her friends 2/3 days ago, saying I should 'chill out he was just trying to make friends in London' and I reckon he has hooked up with her and is getting lots of sympathy and 'poor thing how could she do this to you' plus sex, which he can never resist).

I am planning to do stuff with my garden with the money I've saved and take the kids up north to see all our friends. :)

Hissy but if I post the passport abroad he won't be able to leave the country :D so I HAVE to get it back to him!!!