ok give me an MN slap and tell me not to want this guy back

[domesticgodless]

2 years with xp (on and off...more of that later). He is 35 now, I'm 39.

We don't live together, largely because he doesn't work and has expected me to support him completely. Including all food, bills and plane tickets for when he visits family in Europe. He said the alternative was never seeing me at all as he cannot afford anything. Probably partly true cos he only has E450 per month rental income to live off from a property his family gave him. But clearly not entirely true.

he is finishing a pHD, which in the UK means that when your grant runs out you start p/t work to make ends meet- but he decided not to, as when at home he can live off his rental income while living with his mother or father (they live in different cities...) but he cant' do that with me in London as it's too expensive. I have asked for a small regular contribution frequently but somehow this is impossible because he won't be able to 'keep the money he needs to have a decent life'.

So far so uncommitted eh? Yet when I tell him he is clearly uncommitted, he yells blue murder at me. I have various mental illnesses and problems and he paints himself as a saint for putting up with me and my 'situation' (stuck in London for at least next 10 years with my young sons and wouldn't dream of anything else thankyou v much).

I have told him that clearly he lacks commitment to me as if he wanted to be with me that much he could move here at least temporarily and we could make plans to move out of the UK later when my children are older, if he wants it so much. Clearly I am not a free agent and he is. But it's a no. He hates UK blah blah.

So why the heck doesn't he leave ME? God knows. I suppose he wants the LDR and sex/attention at times but doesn't want to bother actually having to be with me. He says he is 'different to other people' which is why our relationship doesn't have to be 'normal'.

That bit I can get, as you cant' always have a 'normal' relationship even if you want one. However, when he is here, he is a demanding nightmare. He came back the other night from being with his friend all day (at 10pm) and wanted to 'spend some time together' by watching a film or something which was fine with me, but he was faffing about so I picked my book up which I had been telling him was really good and I was v into it (I'm academic, it was a book for work and I was enthused by it). Cue a massive teenage sulk about how I had 'made an appointment with him' (wtff????) and now i was 'letting him down' etc etc. This culminated in me losing it and crying saying I didn't feel I had a lot left and he wanted the last bit. He threw a lot of insults at me as I was lying in bed crying and I couldn't take it any more, I was begging/yelling him to leave the room and he just wouldn't. So I lost it totally and flew at him hitting him to get him out of the room :(((((

I feel shit about it and I know physical violence is appalling whether committed by a man or woman. But I feel I was being emotionally abused by him standing over me shouting and refusing to leave the room. I had already become hysterical and he was calling me 'mad' and telling me I had 'forced him to come here' ????? 'by paying for his ticket' ????? (god...written down it is so fucking ludicrous).

Anyway then I got a long letter detailing my physical abuse of him and how he will 'bear the wounds' of this relationship forever (he had a bit of a bruise on his neck). The next day I asked again if he really thought I was an 'abuser' and he had no part in any of this and got another tirade. I went quiet and said I didn't think I could take this any more. He left and I don't know where he went.

The last time we split up he had another temporary girlfriend within 2 days, btw, he is extremely handsome and attractive. So he may well have shacked up with someone else :( I cant' get that out of my mind what is wrong with me???

I can't get over the fear of being alone. At my age and with a mental illness, maybe he is the best I will get....
I know what you're all going to say. But how do i get on with my life alone? How do I have hope of ever meeting a decent man at my age? (And yes I know xp is not a decent man....)

yeah I entirely see it. He was offering me the chance to run back to him and take the blame, I refused it, so the hate comes out.

have you read the book "CoDependent No More" love ?

It's on my Amazon list :D

it's weird isn't it...i had an abusive mother and a codependent dad who was her slave...and I've lived it all out haven't I. Sigh.

Abusive people always say that everyone is on their side - that family and friends all agree that they are right and you are wrong.

It's just another way to grind you down and make you feel you are going mad.

Just grab hold of what remains of your dignity op, and tell this man to get out and stay out of your life. Make like Nike and just do it. If you wait around to feel strong enough that time might never come, especially if he's busy with his texts and manipulation.

You don't ever need to see him again. Tell him goodbye and that he can shove his thesis up his arse. Drop his stuff off anywhere that isn't your home (even if it's at a neighbours house or the end of the road) and tell him to fetch it. Then change your number so you can't receive his coercive texts.

You say you feel sad and I understand that emotions are not like a tap that can be switched on and off at will. But what would be sadder? Two more years of this? Five? Ten? This is your life dammit! You've so much more power than you think.

Sweeti, it sounds like you could really do with some kind of counselling or therapy. If you had an abusive childhood, then you are going to be very vulnerable to arseholes. You need to talk about this stuff, it's the only way to not turning in on yourself and hating yourself. Have you seen th "stately homes" threads- it would be worth having a look... X

yeah indeed infinite. I rang a counsellor this morning .No reply yet. Also went to doctor to arrange another referral to CAHMS for depression and anxiety. I need to deal with these issues, I know. Or another twunt will just turn up and take advantage.

I think that is a good move, m'dear

either that or I'll just fuck up things myself seeking destructive drama- I've go that in me :(

It is a good move, but I do think that the depression and anxiety will both reduce dramatically once he's been out of your life for a few weeks. Hang on in there x

Oh dear. My ex was an abusive drunk.
He constantly told me I was the abusive one, he told people I had the drink problem. He took every penny I had and beat me but it was all my fault because I pushed him to it.
All he ever did was sponge off me but for about six months he earnt good money and bought us a tv and took us on holiday (where he got drunk and locked us out of the hotel room and have me the first of many 'slaps' because I was out of control).
I took him back over and over again for 4 years and each time I told him to go he said I owed him for the tv and the holiday and I'd never cope on my own and I believed him! I have been where you are so many times OP and finally I found the strength to say enough is enough!
I do understand how you feel but you need to get away from him.
I am happier now than I have ever been and my only regret is that I gave him 4 years of mine and dcs lives.

I hope so infinite. The last time we split was at New Year and I went crashing downwards- particularly after finding out about his temporary girlfriend :S It put me in a weak state and very vulnerable to taking him back. I don't want that to happen again h ence putting help in place.

DG, you are one of his "temporary girlfriends"

except you are the one who adds the extras of financial and emotional support despite you getting nothing (or should I say worse than nothing ) back

that needs pointing out, I am afraid

yeah I suspect that too, AF. As in, god knows what he is up to when he's back at home.

have you been "home" with him ?

god Kaluki all that sounds so familiar. xp has never hit me, but he is incredibly verbally abusive. The worst are the childish sulks and near-tantrums that occr whenever he feels he is not getting enough attention. These drive me nuts, I do not provide the requested attention of course, a row will start instantly and this is ALWAYS my fault. When a row starts he will shout in my face, and follow me around shouting, outrageous things such as I described. It just never stops even when I lock myself in the bathroom, and this last time I lost it and hit out at him just to make it stop :( so now I am a 'physical abuser' :/ and I still feel bad about lashing out (if a man did that to a woman it would be abuse right?)

he has written a narrative of the relationship now, and has told it to all his family and friends (decent people some of them), that I am the abuser. He even posted that on FB once: 'I have been abused so much I do'nt know who I am anymore'....bah. He has taken every aspect of my behaviour that could be twisted and taken out of context: eg once he had been shouting in my face and following me around the house and I threatened to call the police unless he got out. This has been told to everyone and all his friends were horrified that I 'threw him out for no reason and threatened him with police'. He tells everyone I am mentally ill and justifies his behaviour thus, eg the times he went into my FB and email messages and accused me of an affair with a male friend who had left a wink ;) on one of his messages (following a joke). He reported back that his friends had said 'well, with people like that (eg nutters) you have to keep an eye on them eh?'

I'd have been lucky to get a TVand holiday out of him. Heh. I really thinks he believe I owe him for the few times he's helped me out eg once when I moved house and when he came to visit me in hospital after an op (!! what a saint eh....)

Why do we take this stuff.... it must be self hate eh....

yeah I've been home with him quite a bit but had to find my own accommodation as he lives with his mum and it was made clear I wasn't welcome! So yet another fucking expense. So I stopped bothering. Lovely city though, I did get a couple of nice holidays there, that's basically the only good thing to look back on :D

pay your own bed and board in another lovely European city

there are plenty of them

did you meet any of his family his wife and kids ?

In my case I had an alcoholic father who had recently died when I met ex. I think in some wierd way I saw something of my dad in him although my dad was not violent at all
Towards the end I went to al anon for help - he told everyone I was going to anger management to control my temper !!

He used to shout and spit in my face too and follow me around shouting abuse and I would never have dared to read a book / use the pc / do anything else in his company or I'd be accused of ignoring him. I had a hobby which I had to give up because it meant I had to go to evening classes and he used to accuse me of sleeping with the other men in the group!
It still makes me shudder to think about it now!
MN was a great help in those days!

fucking hell, kaluki, he sounds severely and irrevocably mentally sick in the head

Thats just the tip of the iceberg AF
The best thing I ever did was call the police and get the hideous little bully done for assault and an injunction to keep him away from us. But it took a LOT to get to that point.
The thing is - he is still out there doing all this to another poor woman, same as the ops ex and god knows how many men who follow this 'script'
Makes my blood run cold tbh

Do I really have to come on here and tell you what you need to do DG? REALLY?

I see many of my fabulous MN friends here and I know that they will tell you the right thing to do. you KNOW the right thing to do.

These dreadful men are addictive. But they are harmful, dangerous, lethal even.

For the love of god, please listen to what people here are telling you, listen to what your own body is screaming at you to do, trust us, trust YOU.

Use every weapon there is to keep away from this man, bin his numbers, his emails and everything you have to contact him.

Anytime he contacts you, do not respond to him, come here and post what he has said and we will distract you. Call WA for RL talking help, call your friends, PM anyone of us, but you HAVE to kick this wanker to the kerb.

You need to do the freedom programme, you need to read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft, you NEED to learn that this is HIM.

I shall leave you in the capable hands of AF et al. I know you will be safe with them

oh yes, apparently I too was abusive, I had a drink problem and was mental. Spent FIVE YEARS in a mental institution dontya know

They are all the fucking same love.

I know I know :(
I'm so fucking sad and empty this evening .I know it's not him I want. Just a fantasy of.... something or other.

I told him by text I wouldn't do his fucking PhD, that I refuse to accept being called an abuser any more, and he couldn't stay here and now nothing of course, I'm of no further use to him (although his bag's still here with passport etc so I'll have to find something to do with that.)

I just feel so depressed. I know he was vile and I should be happy to be rid of him so why do I miss him?
bah I really despise myself for this (I guess that's the problem)

oh btw AF you made me laugh re him having a wife and kids.

There is no way he'd take on any of that: he is a true man-child. No way he'd have any sort of other responsibilities. He's scared of noisy children. The minute a woman popped a real baby out he'd be off.

No, he definitely lives with mum and/or dad atm. It suits him, he gets looked after :D He may well be visiting his hot 24 year old selection of babes though, who knows.