Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

PS Nini things are looking great! Yeah I might be lonely on occasion but it sure beats living in fear of his next outburst! x

....we know what plane he's on K.....Manipulo, you've escaped just in time!

Haha yep, it's definitely that one!

"You haven't been in contact at all, have felt sad we haven't kept in touch."

What the yellow rubbery fuck? Like we'd just be friends straight away after a normal relationship, never mind after how he's behaved towards me? I bet he hasn't felt sad at all, just pissed off that he hasn't got someone at his beck and call.

I'm dreading next week as a workmate has been on job swap at his work and she's not the brightest bulb in the box and will probably spend ages telling me what a nice bloke he is etc etc, like all the others have. No, really, he's not.

Hi everyone, just saying hello. I've been reading your posts but not writing because it's been crazy here but in a good way - members of my family came to stay who didn't know about Situation...so all was on hold, FW behaved and is behaving like normal person, except for shouting returning as soon as guests left. Guests were lovely and gave me insight into normal relationship, normal people, healthy kindness etc etc. I feel different now my mum knows. She's being very suppportive. I live in hope I will get us out of this soon. I wish I'd had this thread when I last escaped 10 years ago but got sucked back in... but then I wouldn't have my DC, they're worth every moment, but I have to get them out before he bends their minds. I need strength and guts and I have neither.

Maybe he only says it so he can 'look the good guy' (certainly a trait with my NSDH), so he can say to people that he tried and you were the one being unreasonable because you didn't want to be friends. Or some bollocks. But we know better :)

Hello lovely Amazonians :)

Most of you won't know me since I've not frequented this thread for so long but really feel the need to share of my experience since leaving last EA twat.

Really love the planet manipulo expression - its just such a perfect expression of all that these 'men' are.

Well, I'm 18 months into freedom and life is really great.

I'm (still) slowly re-decorating the house, waiting for the exact right things that I really love takes time but is great after two decades of being told what I ought to like and live with.

Sold lots of useless things (including the tv, worth it just for the reaction it gets from people :))

I've made friends (in RL I mean as well as my MN friends who helped me so much) the kind of people I could call on in a crisis no matter the time of day or night.

Having spent so long isolated with a man who was determined to be unsociable and viewed any attempts at others (ie me) being so with great suspicion it's such a relief to realise I'm not a weirdo and actually very likeable.

Through a RL friends comments I realised very recently that I'd gotten stuck in a whirlwind of anxiety (always in a rush, pressured, stressed, heart beating in my throat with worry over the slightest thing) - a leftover habit from my last relationship I think now.

Since then I've made a concious effort to relax more and am really finding me again - I can suddenly see me again in the mirror, both in my body and in my eyes.

It's lovely but it also is making me realise exactly what I sacrificed by suppressing myself for so many years.

Getting to the place where I don't give a rats dropping about what others think of me and it's truly lovely.

Starting violin lessons on Monday and only vaguely worried about what the neighbours will think (quite the achievement for me and something I wouldn't have realised I wanted with the constant negativity of an EA relationship)

Anyway, am posting this in the hope it might provide a little light at the end of others tunnels - this is the longest I've ever been on my own and it's so worth it because it's giving me the time and space to really see and feel who I am.

Keep fighting, the rewards are so worth it!

x

Hi bibi - wow, inspirational! Decorating is a very positive thing, isn't it. My FW views my occasional forays into it with deep suspicion - tellingly!

Nini, how's you, love?
Kerno or he's trying to frazzle your mind, sounds like mine when we were separated. They hate it when we won't engage with their desperate attempts to fight, don't they!

One of my FW's favourite tricks is to come across me attempting something proactive or creative, like painting a cupboard or whatever, and standing watching me, saying "what are you trying to do" and laughing. I do things like this secretly now so he can't take away my oomph and so I have half a chance of finishing without having the life sucked out of me by his Dementor-ness.

Hello lovely Bibi we were fellow escapees and I am still living in my Little House by the river but have gone cake themed! I am sharing my life with a lovely man who has a very nasty ExW who exhibits many EA traits. We constantly delight each other with our normalness and our giggly fun.

More recent arrivals from Planet Manipulo will not know that Bibi is the lady with the smart uniform who issues tickets for FWHs and FWPs to take them to the Far Side of Fuck on a one way ride.

Exactly that, tryingtoscape! The derision and the rolled eyes, the chuckles and the onslaught of negativity (it won't work, too expensive, the noise is disturbing my gaming, what's the use and on and on)

For so long I would only try to do and learn 'useful' things and tie myself in knots about the end result not being 'good enough'

Creativity was a very dirty word in my own head in the end.

Now I'm growing flowers and herbs for the pleasure of it (and if they die, hey, I'll try growing something else) am trying different avenues of designing jewellery, having fun finding out what really appeals to me and not beating
myself up for the routes I don't like/haven't worked, learning a language etc etc.

Amazing what boredom from the removal of that flickering box can push you to do

Truly amazing just how much inner life I dismissed for the sake of
a moody, manipulative, angry and unhappy manchild

Oh, hello LemonDrizzled, vair nice to see you :)

Glad nice man is still around and still nice and making you laugh (so important that)

I'll have to go shopping for a new uniform at the weekend, the old ones continue to be too big which is another nice side effect of being happy to be me.

Amazing the amount of weight unhappiness can pile on (in my case)

Wow I should quit weightwatchers and join EA Anon!

I had two offers from agent on house rental today (ie renting out mine following secret valuation visit) I feel this is an opportunity but am too tentative to take it.... but am making baby steps.. have told mum, have had house valued, have told other friends... am trying to throw off comfortin feelings of normality following recent "less-horrible"ness from FW that feels such a relief, it stops me acting IYSWIM.

Hello think i may need to join here waves around to drained now to share but will do so as soon as

hey umbrella, waving back...

Yes I recognise the relief feeling and sitting with it for ages.

But it sounds like you're not just sitting tryingtoescape - the steps you're taking may feel like baby steps at the moment but their massive strides in comparison to where you were only a little while ago.

Well done and you will keep going because each step will create more momentum and fuel your confidence and determination.

We so often forget to give ourselves even a small bit of credit I find because, for so long we've lived a life where superhuman effort is/was simply taken for granted and as the norm (often with complaints for us to do even more)

It frightens me sometimes how many people are willing to just accept their life and circumstances no matter how crap (not talking about anyone on this thread) just from talking to people in RL who seem to have been almost brainwashed into the view of 'oh we'll, I'm not remotely happy with my lot but there's nothing I can do about it)

Heck, I was one of them - used to go around saying 'well, I may as well marry him, we've been together 10 years, no point in starting again now'

It's not easy starting again and frightening as hell at times but i'd much rather be scared stiff of the unknown at times than the fear of stagnating in an unhappy and abusive relationship with my soul knowing its getting crushed a bit more each day.

Crikey, time to out away my soap box for the night, hungry cats and tired eyes demand attention :)

Goodnight all and keep fighting the good fight :)

Oh yes, missed you while typing - goodnight and hello umbrella

Up for a while, if anyone needs a rant

i will rant but at work now think i need to see if i am right in thinking it was EA .....

Hi Umbrella feel free when you want to offload, we're here :)

Thanks trying, I'm ok, just feeling utterly shattered. Last night I had a phone call from my sister asking when I'm coming down to see her - she lives 1 1/2 hrs away and will be going back to my Mum's in a few weeks for the summer so I won't be able to see her for a while if I don't go soon. No idea when I'm supposed to fit that in with work, my exam and DD. Then I had an email from my Dad, which is unusual in itself, asking if we want to go to Devon with him and my youngest sister during the school hols (which is unheard of). I think he's depressed again and reaching out which is unlike him, I feel like I want to help as he's actually had the courage to reach out, but at the same time I can't afford it, Mum would be really angry if she found out we were going away with him and not sure I want a holiday with NSDH. Argh it makes my head spin.

Interesting what trying and Bibi say about creativity, I'm nodding in agreement. When I first met NSDH I was a keen writer (I actually won a few small awards and had a few short stories published in the early days of our relationship). I was working on my first novel when we met, which I've never finished but haunts me sometimes - he never used to give me peace to write, used to tease me about it and as the years went on the amount of time I had to sit down & write dwindled to nothing. It makes me very .

Bibi very inspiring to hear from someone so positive on the other side. Well done you. :)

Hiya all. Feeling slightly in more control today. I confess to having seen him, but that I have cut back. I always feel guilty - like I'm letting you and my RL friends down by seeing him, but I think you understand how hard it is.

Firstly, he has injured himself (won't say what, incase it outs me). He did this the day he verbally abused me. I went to work then to my house. He was playing sports and hurt himself and went to hospital. He asked me to go and help him and I wouldn't. This was really easy - he's lied so many times about being in hospital and as recently as this weekend, texted me to say his mum was in hospital, which turned out to be a lie. He tried to act upset about me not going but I pointed out he'd cried wolf about this kind of thing before. It actually turned out to be true, but I don't feel bad at all. It's weird seeing him all pathetic. When he tried to guilt me, I pointed out what he said to me and how unacceptable this is. I know it's bad that I'm still 'negotiating' behaviour, but it's got to be better than turning a blind eye to it.

Secondly, I've cut the cocklodger off financially. As mentioned above I think, he doesn't work (finished his degree) and we don't live together. I've been helping him (heaven forbid he sign on or get a job in the meantime). I've found this hard as because I'm a nice person, and feel like I'm financially controlling him - but it's MY money and he's been controlling how I spend that. So, I've squirelled away some of my disposable income and ordered some clothes and shoes so that I don't physically have anything to give. It might seem odd, but there's a method to my madness. I know I'm too weak to just give a flat 'no'. He said this means him moving away with his family, and I've accepted that. He's not thrilled with this, he thinks him moving away is a threat. It's not going to be easy for me, but I've pointed out there are other ways to pay rent that don't involve asking me. I really mean it. I've got a shopping list that I'm using to inspire me.

So I'm writing and wearing pretty clothes.

I'm so glad you are here.

Hi Anastasia I loved that line; I am sitting here and wearing pretty clothes - good for you :) I think you've handled the entire thing beautifully, more power to your elbow!

Thank you Bibi for your lovely, encouraging words.

Nini your decision sounds very tricky, one of those with so many issues attached it's impossible to think! Could you go down by yourself for one weekend to join your dad, thereby saving money, not being with NSDH and hopefully not annoying mum too much? Sad to hear about the stifled creativity but it's still in there Nini and when you move on it will probably get released again IYSWIM!

Anastasia sounds excellent strategy. Whatever stage we are at, we have to nurture ourselves in small ways, and outwit ourselves in other ways! Did this for years - but couldn't let go of hope! Now the things I really hope for are starting to come true. Nini one of those things is my writing, which he sabotaged also! but it is never too late to write something...

Anastastia I've started to believe that looking after yourself makes you feel better so your thinking is sound. Have a good pamper tonight and maybe that'll help too :) I totally get what you mean about doing what you like with your own money, it's all about taking back a bit of control.

I forwarded the email my Dad sent to NSDH and got a snotty reply saying we are 'already going away' with our friends although nothing's booked, so that hasn't helped. Oh well. I'm taking tomorrow off to sleep all day and he doesn't know, and quite frankly I don't care.

Now to walk home from walk with DD in the rain . Amazing how the crappy weather affects your mood!

from *work, duh.

Calling Lemondrizzle, have PM'd you.