Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

basking hope you can make it through the posts BTW..."any other woman" would not be happy she would either be out of the house, out of her mind or out of touch with herself still. No-one can survive an ongoing onslaught to their perceptions of reality without either leaving or being damaged in some way

Thank you. yes i am still with him. we have 3 dc, or rather i had one before we got together and we have 2.

he is so so damaged. i can't believe anybody can live for 45 years and still not have the first clue about what life is all about. if you don't at least strive for the truth about yourself, what have you got?

he is not god. he is not perfect. and yet he cannot take responsibility for his words and actions. i accept that i am not pefect. it is hard to see yourself, but the difficult truth is always better than a pretty lie.

i have only just realised what has been going on. i don't know what to do next.

Hi basking and welcome to this sorry place.

All you have to do at this stage is sit back and watch him.
Detach detach detach is our motto here.

You read the links above, you learn what is abusive behaviour and then you observe him. When he performs to the script you smile wryly to yourself. You note his gaslighting and denial of your reality. You don't get as engaged in the mindfucking spaghetti head mess. You value yourself and you treat yourself with kindness because he doesn't.

Little by little you get together an escape plan. But that comes later.
For now all you do is sit and watch. And talk to us because we have been there and we know what it is like to feel like a crazy woman blamed for everything!

Great post Lemon. I'm being a bit trigger-happy with the 'leave the bastards' at the moment as it is so liberating to finally be twunt-free and I want everyone to experience it! But I know your plan of action makes more sense. Its about accepting/acknowledging the situation for now and building yourself up to a point where leaving isn't such a scary prospect.

For me it was only a matter of weeks, but for those really mired in it I can imagine it taking months or even years in some cases to undo the damage.

Basking your line "he is so so damaged. i can't believe anybody can live for 45 years and still not have the first clue about what life is all about. " really resonates with me. This is half the battle - realising that he is the one with something missing, not you.

Hi all, just wanted to check in and keep contact. I am thinking of of this thread a lot and taking strength from it. Things have been busy but I have almost fully detached and the next stage will come, I feel sure about that now. I like the idea of packing boxes as though one's leaving - because who knows where it'll lead....I'm feeling less scared now and more my own person. I have to get through planned summer holidays all of us together. Then I have tentative plans for making the break in September when kids have security of schoolroutine. I have second interview for a job next week - a job will be financially vital but also give me strength in other ways. Strength and good thoughts to everyone.

Ah have a great day superdog. I've got a kid-free one and still can't quite get used to the peace!

I must admit that even without H here, there are still some inevitable arguments, which makes me feel sad as I'd put a lot of it down to him and his impossibly high standards, whereas now I realise that just having 3 DCs around is bound to entail some arguing!

Its harder than I imagined being fully responsible for everything, but even with the extra workload and the stress of separation, I'm still much happier being in control of my own future rather than being swept along by his.

We're even thinking of getting a pet (never 'allowed' before!) so that's when I'll really feel that his reign is over

Good luck with your job interview tte Your plan sounds ideal, enough time to get yourself together without dragging it out longer than necessary.

Enjoy your day super and hang on to your visualisation - it will come true. Thank you doing for your words of encouragement :) I can imagine that there are some bumps along the way even after escape, but you must be so happy having achieved what you have; fantastic idea to have a pet, it's so good for children to nurture an animal.

Yes, we could all do with a bit of nurturing at the moment, so I think it will really help them to learn how to care for a pet and to get that love back.

Little DD is a bit fearful of animals (screams when she sees a dog) but is just starting to get a bit braver and tentatively stroke the ones she sees more regularly so I think it will be good in lots of ways.

trying good luck with the interview! Make sure to let us know how it goes :)

Hope you've both had lovely days superdog and doing. And having a pet is a great idea, DD adores our little cat and likes dogs a lot too (but not when they lick her!).

I hate weekends in this house. It's always the same shite. Trying to get NSDH to do things with DD to take the pressure off me (bearing in mind he doesn't see her at all during the week). When all he wants to do is lounge around in front of the TV. After yesterday's argument and him spending most of the day out drinking, today he spent the day whinging that his leg was hurting him. I persuaded him to take DD out to the park for an hour so I could do some gardening.

He grumbled about it as he just wanted to watch the tennis (as did I but family comes first!). When he got home I was upstairs pottering around with the TV on, so he lies on the bed. DD wanted to come up on the bed, so he picks her up and puts her next to him. She then starts looking at the empty coke can I'd put (out of her reach) on the headboard. He was much closer to her than I was so I said "Don't let her get that." I said it THREE times, during which he just sat and watched her while she picked it up, turned it upside down and sprayed coke dregs over the bed. . So I told him off. Cue him then shouting at me that I 'shouldn't leave my shit lying around'. I snapped back that 'it was out of her reach if he hadn't put her there and he's nobody to talk about leaving shit lying around'.

It really bothers me that we've started arguing in front of her. It makes me very .

Nina it's the control thing again our arguments happen when the kids are around & I hate it. He knows that too & I always back down because I don't like to see the kids upset :( .

The DC's will become involved in it all

That could be the final straw for me - I really hate it

You put so much effort into doing your best for them, and it's so undermined in a moment

Agreed. I usually try and back down when DD is in the room, and like you say newbe, he knows that. It breaks my heart for her to be in the room. That hurts more than he's ever hurt me.

It always seems to be that the arguments have to happen when the children are around cos that we he knows he can stay in control :(.

Sometimes I feel as though this isn't really happening and that I must be imagining everything. It as though I'm just floating at the moment. NSDH is away working for the week which gives me some space but I constantly struggle with the notion that it must be me - he doesn't drink; does housework; takes the kids out - so why do I feel that everyday is a battle??

I have been reading some of the links Fool put on here & it is as though I am reading about my life. I have just been listening to the 'You are not crazy' link - NSDH is a classic for forgetting!! So much so that I think I either need a hearing aid or I'm going mad.

Can someone please explain the detach motto - I think I'm almost their with him anyway because I am emotionally exhausted atm :(

"Why do I feel that everyday is a battle?"

Because newbe you have a relationship that is not loving and supportive and is instead exactly that, a battle! For whatever reason you didn't realise this is not normal and settled for something that does not make you feel cherished.

Read as much as you can from the links to understand what is happening in your marriage. Then sit back and try to observe the dynamic as if you were a video camera or some other inert third party recording device rather than an involved participant. That is what we mean by "detach". If you do that you will find it easier to stay calm. You will see how your H is pushing your buttons and making you react with hurt and anger. You will see how he makes you behave like the crazy loony woman! You will notice his unkindness and how he belittles you and runs you down.
You don't need to say anything, do anything or decide anything yet. Just watch and learn!

detach means try to put your emotions away...imagine you are watching eastenders with rubbish acting(!!) and just look....try not to respond...just look. If you don't get sucked in you will:

1. have a much clearer view of what he is doing
2. be much more sure that it is not you but him
3. have more emotional energy to decide what to do and when to do it. xxfool

PS an old friend with a new name could do with some support over here this thread

He is like a Jekyll & Hyde very loving one minute but then subtly manipulative the next. I think over the past few months with support from domestic abuse people I have begun to detach but I suppose my battle is to survive until such time as NSDH & I are not living under the same roof. The loving, doting dad makes it all so much harder.

but the loving doting dad is training his children to either be treated badly or to treat others badly: doesn't look like such a great dad to me.......

Newbe they have to be nice sometimes otherwise why would we stay? If it was all bad you'd have left ages ago, so he's nice enough to keep you hanging on but horrible enough that your confidence is sapped and you feel that you can't leave even if you wanted to.

Good point fool and u are very right. And actually my son is a lot happier when Daddy isn't around - he's been my proper boy again today. Grrr so frustrated I let him back in again - must plan better. At least I don't have to worry about sharing a bed with him DD has been sleeping with me for past 2 months - security on her part but fine by me atm x

keep that bed buddy!

I'm back to rant again. I'm sorry that is all I ever do, but I have no time with young children to keep up with this thread.

Why why why are people so quick to judge and pounce on others peoples bad relationships, but can't see how awful their own are??!! I've been really upset today because I posted somewhere asking for advice about how to support a friend. People said I must phone social services and insinuated I was responsible if anything happened to my friends child. Some of these people are in abusive relationships themselves! and the way their OH treats their children is awful!
I guess its me because i can now spot all of the signs. I could before too, but now that i'm out of it I can see others people situations more clearly.
It is scary how many men are abusive and controlling.
Oh and while i'm rantingman ex from years back is sniffing around and keeps calling me babe. Does it hurt to headbutt people? because I really want to headbutt him!

I just watched a film where a woman used the phrase "I'm gonna junk-punch him in his man-business" - that must be less painful for you and more painful for him than a head-butt!

I know MN is great for support but there is also a lot of judgyness too in places. I'm always shocked at what other people put up with (even in apparently happy marriages, there are a lot of women putting up with some selfish shit) but like you, until they are out of it they won't be able to see what their situation is really like with any clarity.

Ooh I like that! I will have to try that haha
Yes i think i'm just on high alert at the moment. I keep wanting to tell people what is going on, but its none of my business really.
Two close friends are becoming shadows of their former selves and I wish they would leave, but I guess all I can do is be there for them.

On a god note I got to swear at my ex yesterday. I shouldn't have done it, but it was fun! :)

It is quite cathartic to sceram a big F* OFF at them isn't it, but then I always think of everyone on here saying 'detach' and feel like I've let them all (and myself) down by showing emotion. People have pointed out to me that the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference, but I guess I haven't quite got there yet!